The sweetest face

It has been an uphill battle since I got out to the hospital. I still am not able to eat much. It just doesn't seem to agree with me all that well, causing nausea. But eating something is better than not at all and as long as he is growing properly I am not as concerned. I had an appointment with the perinatologist, Dr. Rosemond as usual this week and the ultrasound tech wanted to see if she could get him to be still long enough to get some 3D pictures, and WOW!!! what a shot to see that precious face before he even arrives is such a blessing. He is growing really well and is approx. 2lbs, which makes him larger than Zach was when he was born, that is still small but huge in comparison. Dr.Rosemond and my ob have decided due to my lack of carrying to term, Zach at 23.5 weeks and Maddie Grace at 36 weeks, that we should go ahead and plan an amnio for 36 to 37 weeks and if all turns out well and his lungs are mature then go ahead and remove my cerclage and have the C-section that day. I do understand the point and I am ok with it, since I DO NOT want to go into labor with the cerclage in, but I also am not to crazy about what goes into an amnio the whole sticking a needle into your stomach scares me to death but Dr. Rosemond assured me that there is nothing to be afraid of, to be honest i am more afraid of it hurting than anything. Yeah silly I know. So that gives us about 10 more weeks to wait for Samuel, and we all wish the days would go by in a blink. Baseball season is in full swing and with Kyle gone so much we have really been blessed with people from our Sunday school class bringing us dinner, I really do not know what I would have done without them.

Back to the hosptial, it never ends.

This has been a week to say the least. Monday I was not feeling great but not horrible either, by Monday night things went in a really BAD direction. I got very sick very fast and by the time I got to the hospital I was severely dehydrated, to the point they could not get an IV started, I am usually very easy, veins stick out. The doctors were concerned at first about me going into labor I only had a few contractions though which eased their concern after I started getting fluids and I am slowly but surly starting to eat again, very little at the time but I am doing much better with fluids. I finally was let go yesterday (Thursday) and I am so glad to be home. Although, I am still feeling pretty rough, it is always better at home.
Maddie Grace had a really hard time with me being in the hospital, bless her heart she really has been through it all and by the time Kyle picked her up from school yesterday before they could get back to the hospital to get me she was asleep in the car, she was emotionally and physically exhausted. And without my mom coming all the way up here to help and a few of our friends we would really be lost. And since it is baseball season, my poor husband is being pulled in more directions than anyone could stand. And let me just say how lucky I know that I am to have him. Being a coaches wife is not always easy, but he really does the best he can to make sure that Maddie Grace and I are first.
So, I think at this point we all wish we could blink our eyes and May would be here. The constant worry and hospital visits are beginning to wear on us all and although we are all very excited about Samuel joining our family the emotions for all of us are hard to swallow and we know even after our precious boy is here emotions will still run high. We laughed at the hospital the other night, when Kyle and I were talking, God really has faith in us that we obviously do not completely understand. Our lives have not been easy over the past 3 years, but blessed none the less and with the anniversary of Zach's death just around the corner, the anticipation is a bit much. Please keep us in your prayers as you all have been so wonderful to do, as we also pray for a pregnancy that for the next few weeks is a complete bore

Safe and Holding, for now.

I had the surgery to stop the problems with my cervix, and the doctor was very pleased, a beautiful stitch as he put it although I didn't see it, the beautiful part that is. I have had a few issues since then but nothing too serious, I am doing alot of work and sitting in the chair, work meaning, my job from the den in a chair, which is a blessing. My issue is my cervix was funneling meaning it was opening from the inside, allowing the amniotic sac to funnel down into the cervix, not good and very dangerous, increasing the risk of the my water breaking early. When I went in this past Friday although it is still open with the cerclage it will prevent it from opening more and hopefully allowing me to carry Samuel to more healthy point in the pregnancy. This is the week Zach was born during my pregnancy with him and anxiety, seems to get the better of me this week as each day passes although I feel so much better so much more cared for and being watched so closely does ease my mind some. We did keep everything about my surgery from Maddie Grace to be honest I do not believe that she can handle anything else, as far as she knows mommy had tests and had to stay over night , you could tell she was very uncomfortable and look up when we walked out to the huge windows above the labor and delivery to see the NICU, yeah I know probably the worst layout for a NICU possible, just what you want to see when you have a sick baby is all of the healthy babies below.
We had a nice snow fall on Friday night and Saturday Maddie Grace loved playing in it for hours on end, and she was lucky enough to be entertained by a few of Kyles baseball players, she was having a blast that is until I looked out the window and saw one of them with her in the air in front of them using her as a human shield, they knew that hitting her with snowball, was a no no especially with Coach by them so when they wanted a break they used her. And of course she loved every minute. I did find out today that I do have an infection that they caught very early so I am on round 2 of antibiotics, to protect both of us. We have been so blessed already with my mom and sister coming up to help when I had surgery, cooking, taking care of MG and just supporting us and Kyle, who needs it as much if not more than me. Then our friends, who have brought us food, checked in on us and make sure daily that I am following my bedrest rules, (some more than others HA!!) Baseball season has started and is very hard on Kyle to leave us but I know it is somewhat of a relief to know that we have people surrounding us at the drop of a hat. Samuel James Kirk will be here before we know it and we are so excited and feel so blessed and pray that he will stay safe inside for a few more months.

What a day!!!

Today has been, well a day. I had my usual weekly appointment with the perinatologist, I went in thinking everything was great and there were no problems, after 2hrs of the doctor looking and checking everything, things were not great. Samuel is good however he is growing, kicking and doing all of things that a baby this far along should be doing. I am not doing great though apparently, my cervix has now decided that it has a mind of its own and apparently is not holding our precious Samuel in place as it should. So after meeting with the doctor he recommended that I have a cerclage, and honestly at this point I would do anything including standing on my head to make sure this baby stay right where he should be until it is a safe time for him to join us. So tomorrow I will go in for surgery and if everything goes well I should be able to go home on Saturday. My surgery is a little different being that I am a good bit further along than most patients when they have this done. But we know that God is in control and that he will protect baby Samuel and hopefully keep me from going completely insane in the process. As if that was not enough for today after spending all morning and afternoon at the hospital I got home to make sure I was here for Maddie Grace after school. The afternoon was fine, homework, snack, etc.. Until she came out from mine and Kyle's bathroom with her children's scissors in hand, saying look mom I wanted bangs. I think every bit of color must have left my face and I felt sick, not only had she cut herself, SHORT bang, she had cut hunks out of other parts of her hair. What makes child do this is beyond me. But after an emergency run to the salon Maddie Grace is the proud owner of a bob with bangs, and although it will take some getting use to is actually pretty cute, I could have dealt with the short bob a lot better with out the bangs and without all the emotion of the day. But as my sweet husband says, honey it is just another memory to look back on.
We had enjoyed a great month of January before all of this, we had a girls weekend in Atlanta, me, my mom, sister, nieces and Maddie Grace we went to see "Annie" at the Fox which was great and then enjoyed a trip out to the American Girl store, it was lots of fun. And of course baseball started this week as well adding to all of the mess. Please keep us in your prayers, and as soon as possible I will post pictures of our sweet Maddie Grace and her new do.

A new year, a new day

Yes we are still here and I promise I have not forgotten about our blog. With Christmas and my new restrictions, I have had to learn when to do things and how to better manage my time. I find that I can work a lot since I am sitting in a chair but have a hard time getting my mommy duties done, without the help of Kyle I know I would be stuck.
Christmas was wonderful, Maddie Grace had a great time and it was such a blessing to see her enjoy all that Santa brought. We headed to papa and dede’s that afternoon but had to come back on Sunday afternoon since I have to be at the doctor every Monday morning, more about that later. We all enjoyed spending time together I must say it was one of the best Christmas’ that we have had in the past few years. I did go and see Zach and take some time to talk to him, although going to cemetery was almost more than either of us could take. The pain of not having him with us is almost unbearable. The guilt is playing havoc in my head with having a new baby and somehow I thought going to his grave let him know, yes this is crazy I know he already knew he is having a little brother, but it is for sure a tough mental hurdle for me to jump. New Years was sedate and quiet, we went to spend some time with friends and then headed back home I was a little surprised that we made it up to see the ball drop, but we did in hopes that we will see 2010 be a better year for our family. Maddie Grace did have some major changes during Christmas; she had already lost 2 teeth right before we got out for the holidays and then between New Years Eve and Monday she lost 2 more this times her top 2. She officially has no teeth in front and looks precious; we get a good kick out of listening to her talk. Kyle is doing well although baseball is about to start and we are praying that there are not any more changes to my bed rest status, being married to a coach, time is not always easy to come by during the season, although he has made it very clear that family comes first and he will do what is needed, not that I ever doubted he would, I am very lucky to have him.
As for Samuel, yes that is going to be his name, we cannot figure out a middle name, he is growing and doing very well. He has put some stress and strain on my body and I am having some cervical issues which are why I am on modified bed rest. And I am still losing weight which is totally fine by me, I have plenty of extra meat on my bones but the doctors are not as happy and have now made me drink protein shakes, since I have figured out that one of my triggers for nausea is meat, sounds crazy I know but pregnancy does crazy things to your body. I have to go to the perinatologist every Monday for him to make sure there have been no changes and that he is ok. Samuel has looked great every time, and I will take whatever as long as he is doing well. Almost half way done I cannot believe it, we are almost at the point in my pregnancy when I had Zach, makes me realize what a miracle it was that we had him for the 6 months that we did, I couldn’t imagine not having that time. I know that he has made our family what is now, all of our family. At night I think and pray about when Samuel is born, I honestly have so many fears about how I will react how I will handle those emotions of holding a new baby, a baby boy. Please keep us in your prayers, pray for Samuel that is grows and stays healthy. And yes for those of you that know that story of Hannah and Samuel from the Bible that is why we picked his name, we thought it was fitting.

This baby is kicking my behind. I have been so so sick and nothing seems to help meds, eating, not eating, certain candy, sea bands, you name it I have tried it. Everyone says remember it is a good thing but it sure doesn't feel good. I really can not stand throwing up.
We have had a long few weeks with lots going on, Maddie Grace lost her first tooth which she could not have been more excited about, she was the last in her class to lose one and it was driving her crazy. Although she doesn’t realize that she is almost a full year younger than most of the kids in her class because of the date her birthday falls. Apparently the cost of the tooth fairy has gone up in years past due to inflation and she got $10, she spent it when we went to papa and dedes for Thanksgiving. She is doing great and can not be anymore excited about the baby. She still has lots of questions and you can tell is a little scared herself just like we are but we are trying to be reassuring to her as much as we can.
We had a great Thanksgiving with the family , although it seemed to be a little tougher this year missing Zach I think my pregnancy hormones have a lot to do with that, not that I don’t miss him anyway but the hormones make it harder to deal with the emotions.
I have started to show and have a bump, we went last week for an ultrasound with the perinatologist (high risk pregnancy doctor) and the baby looked great he is growing well and seemed to be quite feisty already. And yes I said him, the dr said although he would not say 100% he was about 90% sure it is a boy. And although that is wonderful news it brings in a whole new set of emotions that we have to deal with, fears, guilt etc.. We really just want a healthy baby, you hear people say this all the time but we really mean it , like more could not even imagine or want to imagine. A healthy baby is our goal. My doctors goal is a minimum of 34 weeks, which puts the baby in a much better position than Zach was being on 23.5 weeks. I think also actually seeing him and knowing he is there makes it that much more real, as Dr. R would push in to try and get him to rollover for measurement, he would swat at the intruding thing from my belly and then promptly go back to sucking his hand.
We have so much going on with the holiday season here and makes me so very grateful for the gifts that God has given us, and there are so many this year who are struggling so much. We all need to remember that this is a season of giving and if you have the opportunity to give to another family and are able to do so please do, we adopted a child from Maddie Graces school and I think she has enjoyed finding them gifts as much as she has looking for things she would like from Santa. Keep us in your prayers and this growing baby boy, God will teach is something with this too we know.

Blessings and Heartache

The last few weeks have been tough and that is putting it mild. With Zach’s birthday days seemed a little longer. On Halloween morning Maddie Grace woke us up singing happy birthday to her brother. It was so sweet, a tear jerker too. We did enjoy family time together and even got in a little trick or treating, in the rain and mess. She was Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, and was just precious I found a lady on Etsy to make her costume and it was cute as a button.
As the day wore on Kyle and I new that the time had come to break the news to Maddie Grace. After more than a year of infertility treatments, 100’s of shots, blood draws and ultrasounds, God has blessed us with a baby. When we told Maddie Grace she was so excited all she could do was say “momma I am so proud of you”. If she only knew just how proud we are of her for all she has been through over the past 2 years and what a wonderful little girl she is growing into.
So yes we have been blessed with what we have prayed so hard for, we have known for a while but wanted to keep things under wraps until we were further along, things have gone very smooth so far, minus the continual sickness that zofran has no effect on so I am now on phenergan, which has seemed to help some. The baby is growing and looks great, I am being watched so close I will have more ultrasound pictures of this child than anyone has ever seen. We will be due at the end of May if all goes as planned.
As excited as we are about our new baby it brings up a host of emotions and feelings that we are dealing with one day at a time. Fears of something happening and fears that somehow our sweet Zach thinks we are trying to replace him. We had many long talks about this and we both know that no child will ever replace Zach that they will only add another member to our family. So I will be a mom of 3. Something I always wanted. Two nights ago while coloring Maddie Grace asked, “if this baby lives can I help change diapers? We do not know what the future holds or if something will or will not happen, but I quickly responded that this baby was in Gods hands and he would protect him and not to worry about what happened with Zach. She feels the stress and pressure just like we do. It took Kyle quite a few days to really take it in but as my waist line has started to expand I told him there was no getting around it anymore. I have been so sick I have lost weight although you would not know that from my belly. Please keep us in your prayers as we make this amazing journey God has presented us with, “we prayed for this child and god granted our prayers” Pray for a very healthy pregnancy and for the things we will have to face in the next months, Zach’s room, birth and all the emotions involved and getting past the point we had Zach. We know our new doctors are watching me very close along with a perinatologist. Praying for a healthy baby no matter what.

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!

I can not believe it is already the end ofOctober. I apologize for not updating sooner but I have been without a computer for the last week or so due to a deadcharger, gotta love computers. This month has been a good one I try to keep myself as busy as possible to due this month’s significance. Kyle and I made a weekend trip to Nashville with friends and had a blast, the food was great and I have to say that watching my husband ride a mechanical bull was the highlight of my weekend. I always knew I had a cowboy somewhere in there. Mom and Dad were gracious enough to keep Maddie Grace for us and she even went down to Tallahassee to stay with my sister and her family and had a great time. We had a few teary phone calls but all in all she was great, I think I had a harder time than she did although she was very ready to see me on Sunday and could not wait to see her daddy. On Tuesday we went to a luncheon for my dad, he is the Georgia Farmer of the Year. They announced that day who won the national at the Expo, and although dad didn’t win, even though anyone that knows him and how much he has done for agriculture knows that he should have won and needs no award to prove that although I am sure it would have been great. We did get to take Maddie Grace to the pumpkin patch this past weekend it was packed and cold, but she loves it every year, the hayride, cow ride (don’t ask), pig races ( yes you are reading correctly) and of course the petting zoo and patch.

She was very concerned that all of the pumpkins would be gone. Funny story that night I was not feeling well and Kyle grilled steak and corn to go along with a few other things I had for supper. Maddie Grace had eaten a few bites and about 10 bites in she started crying and ran over to me. I was very confused thought maybe she had bitten her tongue but she had actually bitten down and made her front tooth pretty loose. I guess the movement and the fact that she has not lost a tooth so she did know what that feeling was freaked her out. We tried to clam her by telling her how great it was and that when she lost it the tooth fairy would bring her money for her tooth under her pillow, well that made it worse and she made it clear that she didn’t want any fairy under her pillow and could she just put it on the bedside table. Kyle and I got a good laugh out of that, she has since really enjoyed having her first loose tooth and grosses me out by pushing it back and forth, yuck!!! I do not have much to report as far as fertility goes but hope to have good news this month.

As most of you already know our sweet Zach’s birthday is Saturday, Halloween, he would have been 2 this year; which means it has been a year and a half since he has been gone. We miss him so much and no matter how much time has passed that pain remains unchanged. It is hard to imagine what he would be like at 2 when he died so young and so small. I am trying to remember the sweet little boy we had for that short period of time. When all you have are a few videos, pictures and short memories you can become afraid that you will forget his little smile or his smell. We thought at 2 we would be chasing a little boy who had his sister’s dolls and keeping him in his toddler bed, but we don’t get to do that. Things that as mom’s we do not always like, but we would take every tough moment every time out for us or him just to have him here. So to my sweet Zach we love you and although we know that you have seen things in heaven that we can not imagine and you are whole and you are happy, we know that you are home which makes us homesick for you. You are our angel that we think about every hour and that will not ever change. We have and continue to learn so much from you and cant wait to hold you again one day. We love you.

Waiting for Fall

I am not sure where you are but we have started to see glimpses of fall for the last week or so, and boy do I want cooler weather. Although I love the pool and summer fun there is nothing better than a cold day and a sweater. And of course a Georgia Football game to go along with it. The last few weeks have been busy physically and emotionally draining. With the constant driving to Augusta at the crack of dawn, it tends to take a lot out of you. My RE raised my meds for this cycle by 2 ½ times and by the end we still had not really seen the response that she wanted, although it was a little better than the first unsuccessful cycle it was no really where she wanted things to be. So once again we are waiting, you would think that as much as I have been waiting lately I would have become much better at it but sadly that is a no. I am trying though, when you are a control type of person like me, it all makes this a huge test in faith, like we didn’t already know that. Maddie Grace is doing very well in school and loves all the new things she is learning in 1^st grade, she is reading so well and is so excited to read to you or anyone else who will listen. I am so glad that she loves it I really want her to enjoy reading like Kyle and I do. There is nothing like being engrossed in a good book. She has still had a few things that have come up which impress upon us how much we still need to boost her confidence, we had a friend over to play the other day, and I heard them in the backseat talking about how she had a little sister, when she then looked at Maddie Grace and said “you do not have a sister like me” and of course Maddie Grace responded and said no I have a brother, as my skin began to tighten I new what was next and without a missed step it came out of her mouth like water out of the sink, “but your brother is dead” and whack just that fast and hard but without skipping a beat herself, Maddie Grace looked at her and said but he is alive in heaven and will always be in our hearts. Well that was it, the tears began to flow like rain, I was so proud of her, we know that some things have started to sink in. And as the days draw closer to Zach’s birthday she remembers everything like it was yesterday just as we do. She even remembers the kids stealing the candy bowl off of our porch that night after we had left for the hospital. When they say kids are like sponges that is an understatement and it doesn’t mean just the good things either. When we went to Augusta last week we had to take her with us and you could tell as soon as she saw the hospital she was very uncomfortable.My compassionate friends group added a new online video to explain about compassionate friends and about losing a child, it is a wonderful video and really gives those who have not lost a child a small window into our world. I have added it here and if you are interested take a look at it.We had supper club in September as well and it was yummy!!! Todd and Julie thanks so much for hosting. It was so much fun to stuff our bellies and let the kids go (they were invited this month) and enjoy adult conversation, it was a lot of fun. We do it every other month with a new host each time. November is our month to host and those that know me know how much I love to cook, so I am getting ready trying new recipes, because everyone knows you NEVER try a new recipe on the night of a party. I am very excited. Anyone with any great recipes, please send them to me I love trying something different.Please keep us in your prayers as you all have been so kind to do as Zach’s birthday approaches and as we continue to travel this road of infertility. Although we are more than aware that we are not the only person to be at this place right now, sometimes if feels like it. There are millions of families facing infertility and sadly there millions facing the loss of a child, but we know that God will lead us through this too, he never promised it would be easy and only promised he would be there when it is tough. Many times as Christians we, and when I say we I mean me too, expect that because we are Christians things should be easier that we should not face the challenges that others do. We find our selves believing the lies that if we had more faith or prayed harder that the outcome would have been different or believe that God is punishing us by taking someone away. Although these experiences will be used to teach us and others, they are for a greater purpose, like those that have been touched by Zach. Although God embraces our anger at these time and somehow returns it with love.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God,the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary;his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,and strengthens the powerless.Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall exhausted;but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary,they shall walk and not faint.Isaiah 40:28-31

Rain or sun life goes on

Have you ever had a sick feeling in your stomach that eventually caused you pain. It caused you physical pain even though the sick feeling was only that a feeling, not from an actual illness. That is pain that I have had for the last 16months. Some days I seem to be able to cope and move on better than others although I know that I will have this feeling for the rest of my life but the past few weeks have been worse than most, feeling emotionally drained and exhausted, crying at the doctors office and breaking in medical students, that was a hilarious I must say.
We did all of the shots and as much as we wanted it to work it didn’t so we are on to cycle 2 more shots at a higher dosage. It is hard to “keep your head up” so to speak over and over again. But we know that it will happen in Gods time not ours. But being patient and listening is not one of my strong suits, just another lesson to learn. When I went to the doctor today she asked me if I would mind explaining my history to the 3 medical students in the room, this was after having them all in the room for the exam, by then all sense of modesty was gone so I moved ahead and told them my “history”. When the tears started to fall the kids as I refer to them looked as if they wanted to crawl under the table. Although my doctor has a point to all of it apparently she wanted them to see how it is when things do not go as planned, reality. Poor kids I think all they got was a crazy woman crying but a learning experience none the less. We were blessed when Zach was in the NICU to have basically 3 doctors that we knew we could depend on, one here Dr Morales and then 2 in Augusta Bhatia and Buckler. Although we know that most are not as lucky and neonatologists are trained to help the babies they really are not the best at dealing with mom and dad. I hope one day that I will have the chance to help the doctors learn to help the families.
I had a friend at bible study the other night mention during the course of our discussion that she cant wait to see one day in heaven all of the lives that Zach has touched and continues to touch. In that same line I too want to see who else he has touched but I also know of hundreds of people who touched us along with Zach with their prayers and simple gestures that still continue today. We miss him so much and over the course of the last few months I have for some reason convinced myself that it was not ok for me to cry or get upset, and holding things in until an “appropriate” time makes things much harder. But I am not doing that anymore after today, it hurts too much and frankly I think it does more harm than good. So if you see me crying sorry, I will do my best to try and keep it to a minimum. Things always seem to be a little worse this time of year, with his birthday just around the corner, I can’t believe he would be 2, I see pictures of our precious NICU friends that are just now beginning to walk and are making great strides it makes me smile to think that Zach might be doing that to. Maddie Grace is always quick to remind me if I get upset in front of her that Zachy is a big boy in heaven running around, although she is currently concerned about what he is wearing in heaven, to which I have no good answer so of this we are just having to come up with as we go along.
Maddie Grace is still doing really well in school and loves going. She has continued to ride the bus much to my dismay, but she really loves it and I do not have the heart to take it from her although the first dirty word she comes home with will be her last bus ride. She is still practicing soccer and doing well but I think we are starting to realize Maddie Grace is just too timid for soccer and we may need to move to something else, she does love it though. Her teacher told me this week that Maddie Grace told her that her mom had to go to the dr. to get shots. When she asked what the shots were for she said they were giving mom a baby, I thought this was hilarious I can see that we will have to have a serious conversation about where babies come from, when she is MUCH older. So things are not going as we planned but they never do in life, just have to keep rolling with the punches. At least we will have a distraction this weekend when the bulldogs play, GO DAWGS!!!! Keep us in your prayers as we continue this journey in hopes that we may at some point see a light at the end of the tunnel.
We did have some fun things over the past few weeks, since Maddie Grace is playing soccer again we went to a UGA soccer game to show her how big girls play soccer, which was a blast with friends. We also had my friend Mary's surprise birthday party at Shokitini in Athens, which was so much fun and a wonderful distraction with friends, Kyle and Jacks performance was the highlight of the evening or low light maybe depends on how you see it. Shokitini is a restaurant that is downtown Athens, a sushi bar that has rooms upstairs for about 20 people each and have a huge karaoke screen with 100's of songs to choose from, lots of fun. We also made it to a concert on the lawn at Ashford Manor on Monday, it is always lots of fun you take a picnic and tons of familys sit around eat, talk and listen to great music, this week was a swing/beach music oldies band, it was great.
So not everything has been bad, there are good days too they just seemed harder to find this week.