4 years? I miss you so much

I know in my heart that it has been 4 years since your tiny body came into our lives.  But it seems like yesterday.  This time 4 years ago I was happily pregnant with my 2nd child, a little boy who we were waiting anxiously to join us.  What we didn't know was how much our world would turn upside down the next day.  Today as I sat at your grave, I cried for the memories we never got to make, for snuggles and hugs I miss so much, the precious face of my first born son. You sister has lost some memories but most remain.She still hurts and misses you so. She asked today to if  I would tell her the story of the  Halloween night the year you were born. I think she is afraid she will forget. I re-live
night for her which in a strange way seems to help her and me too, but then again talking about you always does.   I have learned to smile although the smiles usually fade quickly.  You taught us and remind us everyday so many things, how to fight like no other  I have learned to hold those I love close, how to love,

that it is ok to hurt but most of all to never give up. You were such a fighter- who honestly should have never made it past the the first night-- you are a hero and an example for us all to strive for. You are never far from my thoughts, funn the scent of hand sanitizer always gets me. It is so hard to see your big sister and little brother doing things that I know you will never do, it makes me that much more protective of them. my patience my complaining parents and parents that just don't care is very short. I love remembering all of the antics of pulled in theNICU the strong little boy you were and how much stronger you are now.  I know that you are happier, you can breath, you can walk and talk and have  life that you never had on earth. That does not  ease the pain, it does make the next 50 years a journey, a journey to see you again.  I look at Samuel and smile know that you two would have made quite the pair, making memories in my head that will never play out.  My heart

aches, no way to get around no way to heal it. I like so many parents of have lost their child to soon, I  ache.  It will never go away, it doesnt heal with time. You only learn to cope and go and far as you can each day.  My ache is painful tonight, more painful than yesterday just like evey year on your birthday or the day you died.  But my ache also reminds me of you something I never want to go away. I Thank you for being my son thank you for letting me love you when I was so undeserving of someone so perfect.  I pray that I have made you proud.


love - Mommy

So Blessed

There are very few things in life that really make your heart feel full, that are marked in your memory as one of your most proud moments.  Maddie Grace a few months ago came to Kyle and I and told us she wanted to ask Jesus into her heart as  parent there is no greater prayer.  So after going through our new Christians class she was baptized this Sunday, I was so proud of her, she was so brave.  One night last week while we were doing her devotion I asked her what she most excited about after becoming a Christian and without skipping a beat she smiled and said getting to see Zach, she then paused and said and Jackson (our dog we had to put to sleep this summer).  My family came up which as a big treat and she loved spending time with her cousins and our newest addition sweet Evelyn. Her first few weeks of 3rd grade, yes 3rd grade, have been great she loves school and loves her teacher, I guess there is not much more to ask for. 
Samuel is doing great, although it if you ask Maddie Grace he is a holy terror and mean. Oh the joys of siblings.  He has really started talking more and tries to repeat most everything which can be very entertaining, he even likes to "sing".
Last week I went to a meeting at St.Mary's Hospital I was asked to attend.  It was for a group they are starting to help families with babies who are terminal, premature, have birth defects etc.. I am so very excited about this it is giving Kyle and I the opportunity to help other families who may be faced with the same decisions we were.  Helping them through a journey we have already made, helping us heal a little more in the process.  If anything good comes from losing Zach this is without a doubt something he would be proud of.  We still have so much healing to do and know that we will never heal completely that we are forever changed but things like this make each day better.  I read a book a month or so ago, Heaven is for real if you have not read this I really encourage you to do so although I know I will see Zach again one day this book made my heart smile, if it can do that. 
We are getting ready for a busy fall and school year like so many other families taking it one day at a time, prayers for everyone for a wonderful start , please say a prayer for everyone in the Northeast, our friends the Bryan's (In Virgina) and my friend Greer's grandmother(in New Jersey) both were hit hard by Irene, praying they are on the mend or at least their homes soon. They are all safe but we know they are without power and have damage.  And prayers for everyone else.

We are still here

Yes we are still here.  I have been so busy with work and family I haven't had time to keep things up like I wanted to.  I guess chasing a busy little boy is tougher than I thought it would be.  He is into everything, they say boys are different than girls and goodness are they.  But what fun he is. Now being 15 months old he has really started to develop a personality, started talking and uses his sign language to tell us when he really wants something although he will pitch a royal fit when he feels the  need.  Maddie Grace was very quite at this age would sit and read books with you lay down with you and snuggle, Samuel not so much although he is wonderful at giving kisses, he wants you to read him books while he is standing and can move around and he isn't still long enough to snuggle much.  




Our summer was busy but great we went to Seagrove Beach and it was beautiful, we have always gone to Amelia Island, but it was a nice change. It is one subdivision over from Seaside, famous for the movie,"Truman Show".  Maddie Grace had a ball and loved the calm seas of the gulf, Samuel hated the sand but after a few days did warm up to the ocean.  It was a great trip.  Maddie Grace had here 8th birthday right before we left so we had a small thing before we left with just the 4 of us, and we finally let her get her ears pierced.  We also made a trip to the zoo this summer and several trips to the lake.  It seems every year it goes by faster and faster.

Daddy and Sam checking out the sand

Maddie Grace had a spend the night party last weekend to finally have the chance to celebrate the big 8 with her friends.  I wasn't sure if I was crazy or a glutton for punishment.  The girls were really good though,  we all stayed over at Papa and Dede's townhouse , I didn't think that a 15 month old and 8 little girls would work very well.  I had a friend whose little girl was at the party spend the night and help.  Between Greer and I we pretty much had things under control. Although it has been a long time since I had a slumber party things are  much the same still, lots of giggles,pizza, cake, junk food and little girls trying to stay awake as long as possible. We did manage to get them to sleep just after 1am. All in all it was a great night and Maddie Grace was so happy which is what matters the most. She has had a tough summer she started sleep walking and almost came over the balcony once , scared us to death and has had some anxiety issues which we are trying so hard to work on.  It developed when Zach was in the hospital and became worse after he died.  She is now to the age where she has lots of questions about Zach and what happend, his funeral,etc.. It takes time to go through it all with her

and drains us both in the process-- We just pray she will be okay.

School started on Wednesday and Maddie Grace is now in the 3rd  grade, wow, where does the time go??  She was thrilled and was a little upset that I wanted to take her to school instead of letting her ride the bus.  Sam missed her so much he has really enjoyed her this summer or maybe I should say enjoyed driving her crazy. Kyle is teaching 4th this year and coaching of course.  Last season was tough but we saw alot of improvement this summer and are excited about the chance for a better season. 

After I took her to school since she has to be there by 7:30 Samuel and I decided to make a run for some oatmeal at Chic-fil-a (excellent by the way).  While I was waiting in the line I noticed I line of girls coming out all in high school dressed like a 25 year old going to a party.  As they strolled across the parking lot I noticed that each little girl got into their car and I lost it-- Really?? lets go down the line new Mercedes convertible, Mercedes SUV, new BMW convertible, new Solaris convertible, and 2 more lexus'.  I mean really! At 16 maybe 17 you really need a 70- 80,000 car.  This week  took MG to a Chic-fil-a for lunch (i think there is a pattern here) , we went in ordered food and as usual the staff was more than nice and so helpful even when same was "talking" loudly.  The young man behind the counter was as nice as could be and when I looked up I realized that he went to our church and Maddie Grace recognized him because he sings alot with the youth band.  On to my point this young man was working at chic-fil-a, wasn't driving a fancy car and I know that his parents could afford it, how do I know this? Because his dad is Coach Richt.  It made me smile to see that expectations have not gone completely away and that teaching children how to earn something is still valued.  And it made me have even more respect them.  And let me say this before someone gets ma

d-- I know that these girls could very well be sweet, outgoing, the perfect child who thinks of others first and is the next mother Teresa, doubtful but I will accept that. Even if they are NO 16 year old needs a car like that and if they do then why. 

Anyway off my soapbox-- We are all doing great and since we are back on schedule I will update more frequently. Hope everyone had a great summer and wonderful start to the school year. Pray for our country no matter where you fall politically are we are in a bad place as a nation and need to get it together soon

Has it really been a year?

Happy Birthday Samuel!! Can you believe it has been a year?  I think that the last 12 months has flown by.  So sad that our once tiny 4lb 13oz baby is now a huge 23 lbs and so tall and healthy, praise the lord, he is healthy.   He has brought so much joy to our family over the past year.  His sister is completely in love with him and reminds us every day how happy she is to have a little brother.  He is now walking and can say mama, dada, all gone and few other things in a language we have yet to figure out.  He is very different from Maddie Grace as a baby , very busy on the go all the time.  He has a great disposition and is usually scrunching his nose and smiling. He loves to eat, ALOT, and thank goodness he is not a picky eater.  My mom fed him a big plate of squash this weekend at the lake and he ate it all, along with about 10 other things.  He has the biggest blue eyes and a serious set of dimples, watch out girls.  God has blessed us so much, Samuel was truly a gift and a blessing.  I am amazed everyday at him and how much he is changing and growing.
We had a small family birthday party at Papa and Dede's lake house, my sister is due at any moment and driving ask for from Tallahassee was not an option and it is Papa's busy season so he couldn't be far away, it also gave the older girls a great weekend of tubing and skiing who could ask for anything better than that.

So, Samuel as you turn 1 I want you to know how much we love you. How proud we are to be your parents, you are a true joy to us and can not believe how blessed we are to have you.  This time one year ago I was sitting at the doctor in pain crying because you were not supposed to come early, we had taken measures to keep you in surgery, bed rest , medications.  Dr. A checked me and could tell my oh so wonderful cerlage was pull apart. So they sent me to the hospital I called your daddy and he met me there.  Once at the hospital,   she took out the cerclage and waited to see what would happen within 20  minutes it became painfully aware that you were coming out , off to the OR and 20 minutes later with lots of crying from me bring scared to death you joined the world.  The took you to the NICU but I knew that the nurses would take great care of you as they had with your brother.  They intubated you long enough to give you surfactant , to help you breath,and you did well, a few days on oxygen and all we needed to do was teach you to eat.  Within  2 weeks you were doing great and we brought you home.  I think I checked you 15 times that night, I was so afraid but you were great, always hungry but great. We wouldnt have it any other way, we love you and can not wait to see what the next year holds.

3 Years



Zach and Daddy 4/12/08



Is it ever possible to grieve enough? Do we really ever allow ourselves to completely feel the pain of our loss? A few nights ago Kyle and I were talking about the anniversary of Zach's death which is tomorrow (19th).  He and I both agreed that in we really never fully grieved Zach's passing. All of the well meant pushing, and attempts at keeping us busy after his death really kept us both from really talking and grieving his passing.  As a parent you feel like there is a time limit that people put on you sometimes, on the amount of time they will allow you to hurt. But we do not feel that same time limit we do not move on, time doesn't heel our wounds, a new child doesn't make it better or replace the loss and no you do not just get over it.  For the last 3 years there has been a constant sick feeling somedays are better than others but it never goes away.  You can read any book that will tell you "how to grieve" which is a joke and really makes you feel good when you realize they have never even lost a child.  Please tell me how to feel when you hold your child in your arms as he takes his last breath, when you see every hope you ever had die along with them.  The day he passed seems so vivid still sometimes more vivid than the happy times we had together the 6 months before.  Walking into your bedroom to have flashes of you franticly giving your child CPR on your bed does not make for the best night sleep.  No time doesnt make it better but we know God has a plan for our family although most of the time that plan is hard to see or understand.  Although there are those special moments when someone comes along you do not know and tells you how much Zach meant to them or when I see or feel something that I know is him.  Zach was more precious than anything to our family.  We know that Zach would have had problems from his prematurity but it is amazing what you will accept as "normal" when it means having your child "perfect doesnt seem to matter anymore. 



To Zach we miss you more everday but know that you are watching us we know that you have seen things that we can only imagine.  You are walking, talking and pain free. We wish that you were here with us, we wanted so to have all of our babies here to have a 7, 3, and 11 month old would have been the greatest challenge yet.  To us though you will always be that 6 month old baby with chubby cheeks and firey attitude, who went through more in your 6 months than most do in 70 years.  And we know that letting you go was the most unselfish thing we could have done although our hearts so wanted us to keep you.  I am blessed to be you mother,blessed to have been there when you quietly came into this world at a tiny 18oz, and I was blessed to hold you in my arms  and tell you it was ok to go as you took your last breath, with your daddy by my side we prayed and you peacefully went from my arms to Jesus'.  Something no parent should ever do but I am so lucky to have had that time. We love and miss you, our first son-

love- mommy



Ready For Spring

MG and Sam loving the snow

I always loved snow, but after the week of being "shut down" due to 8 inches of snow plus almost 2 inches of ice I have had enough for this year.  The first day was beautiful but it soon turned ugly with the ice, our driveway is an incline and there was no getting out luckily we had the fore thought to put Kyles truck at the top of the drive way but even with that we were not able to get out of our neighborhood until Thursday, let just say a week at home locked up without the ability to even go outside

Notice Dad's nose injury

made us all have case of cabin fever. And caused one minor injury from a nameless dad, trying to show his daughter how to sled lets just say we are not as young as we us to be.  But the snow melted and life has gotten back to normal. We have even had some nice weather here this week. 

Samuel is doing well he is now 9 months old time flies so quickly he is trying to walk and very hard to contain our living room look much like a large play pen.  He has had an issue with his eye that we are heading to the pediatric specialist in Augusta for tomorrow.  We hope it is nothing but if not then we will get it fixed and move forward. It is not slowing him down I can assure you.  If it is we may want to reconsider going to the doctor, just kidding!

Maddie Grace is great as well softball season is starting nexet week and she is very excited,  she is reading like crazy and has really enjoyed the weather this week as well.  She got the flu about 2 weeks ago and it has taken her awhile to get back to normal, even after getting a flu shot.  She is still in love with Samuel but she is now starting to learn just how much "fun" a little brother is . 

Baseball season has begun and so Kyle is at the field, this is a "rebuilding year"  he lost 9 seniors and one jr who moved so he is having to start over. But that's what it is all about or so he says.  It is going to be a tough season after such a great one last year but still fun. 

This weekend some of friends from Zach's NICU stay had their 3rd birthday this weekend and although Zach would have already turned 3 in October and it really didn't hit me until I saw pictures of the boys at their party , playing, walking, eating cake.  It really hit just how much we are missing with Zach.  We are doing out best to make sure we honour him with our lives daily.  We were asked to be the March of Dimes ambassador family this year, we have raised money form them since Zach passed , and we excited to do so.  I have had a few speaking engagements and have done ok holding it together but there are points that still get me even though I try to make it as clear as possible, crying only makes it harder for others to understand what an amazing child he was.   I will let everyone know as soon as we know about Samuel's eye, please keep him in your prayers as we go tomorrow (Tuesday) . 

A new year

I know I should be ashamed it has been 6 weeks since my last post and I had no idea that time had gone by so quickly.  We are already in 2011, and if you would have asked us a few years ago I doubt we would have thought we were going to make it this far.  The last few months have been a journey of emotions and joy.  Still dealing with the guilt of Samuel to a point but being so grateful at the same time for the blessings that we have been given.  Samuel is now almost 8 months old, he will be on the 10th at least.  He is growing and changing everyday funny he in already 2 times the size of Zach when he passed away at 6 months.  He is a big boy not a whole lot of meat or sweet baby rolls but tall and full of energy and love. He is trying to crawl and does a good job of "commando crawling" and gets where he needs to without much effort.  And of course he is still the apple of his sister's eye.  Maddie Grace eats him up and can not get enough of him, she is doing wonderful as well, getting taller and more like a young girl instead of my little baby.  She is still doing so well in school loves reading and can not wait until Kyle gets home everyday to tell him what she has learned, I am not sure how I was blessed to have such a sweet child my mom and I laugh and say that God got Maddie Grace mixed up with my sister's little girl Ruthie who is so much like her aunt Jess, bless her heart. 

The past few weeks have brought lots of reflection, as we went home for Christmas we went to see Zach as we always do, it always stirs emotions and thoughts.  I started to think about things I wanted to do not trips or activities but things in my life in my families lives.  What I want out of the next year, not a resolution, those are never kept at least not by me.  So what do we want for 2011 WOW!!! what really can we ask for we have been blessed so much in 2010 I would not even know where to start.  I am doing a new bible study my Francis Chan called The Forgotten God, which I HIGHLY recommend, I have done another study from him called Crazy Love which Kyle and I both really like as well, we have both been through it at least twice, we now lovingly refer to it as our goat book , a joke from our Sunday school teacher, except our goat is a 8 month old little boy.  Anyway  The Forgotten God is about the Holy Spirit, so I have been trying to work on my fruits of the spirit trying to maintain them in my daily life, and no it is not easy and no I am not good at it but if you see me somewhere talking to myself saying, "fruit of the spirit" over and over, I am not insane at least not completely.  I am also making a better effort to update the blog. I do this for therapeutic reasons but I also do it for Maddie Grace and Samuel.  I would like for them to have this one to see how their lives were. 

Baseball season is quickly coming upon us which means less time with Kyle and lots of long hours for him, we will see how this season turns out. After such a heart wrenching end to last season and the loss of 9 seniors this will be a "rebuilding year" lets just hope it is not a long one Clarke Central is in one of the toughest baseball regions in the state which always makes for tough games.  It should be interesting with our new addition .  I hope each of you had a blessed Christmas and a great 2011!!

Happy Birthday my sweet boy

First let me update everyone and say how great Samuel and Maddie Grace are doing. Sam is growing like a weed and is doing really well he is already trying to get his knees under him to crawl I am really hoping we can put this off a little longer he weighs in at a whopping 16.5lbs although he is heavy he is not fat but long. He has an infectious smile and is such a sweetie.  Maddie Grace is doing great as well 2nd  grade has been wonderful although we can see he gaining lots in independent ideas and behaviors, oh where has the time gone. She is playing softball and loves it even though she is a full head shorter atleast than all the other girls. 

Sunday will be Zach's 3rd birthday which means it has been 2.5 years since he has been gone and honestly it feels like yesterday.  I still vividly remember holding that sweet boy in my arms and miss him so desparately.  The other day I thought about the time we had with Zach, the 6 months he was in the hospital and the day he came home.  I would not change anything if that meant I would not have had him as much as it hurts the pain is worth every moment we had with him.  We have grown so much in the past 3 years, but would love to have had him here with us to share in everything. Having Samuel does not make it easier, it does not make the pain any less and it doesnt make us miss him less. You see words like miracle thrown around alot, too much for me personally, and for the longest time I was very angry that we did not have a miracle, we didnt get to spend our life with Zach but as time has passed I do know that he was a miracle, he should have never lived at all and that in itself was a miracle.  We have been so blessed to have some many pray for us even still and many who are still touched by his strength and will to live we are are lucky to have each and everyone of you in our lives.

At night before I go to bed you are always the last thing on my mind I pray that you are happy and that you are whole.  I pray that you forgive me for not being able to make you well, if I could have I would , I think most mothers would.  Maddie Grace talks about you everyday and tells Samuel all about you and what a great big brother you would have been, she always tells him he is the little brother and his big brother is watching him from heaven.  We love you so much and wish that you were here too but we will be at grave on Sunday, although we know that you are not there it is only a place to go.  I do not have to go there to talk to you I do everyday from where ever we are and I see you in place I never imagined so I know that you are there watching over us until we meet again.  We love and miss you Zach-

love -Mommy

Keeping mommy busy

MG and Sam at Amelia

I promise I had  no idea it had been so long since my last update.  We have finished the summer and started school since my last update and  Samuel is almost 4 months old.  he beach was great as usual relaxing and wonderful to have some family time together.  Samuel even got in the pool with me and slept under his little tent on the beach.  Maddie Grace had a blast although she was not impressed with the fact that mommy had to go back up to the condo with Samuel. The joys of 2 children, she has basically been an only child for so long that sharing mom and dad is a new concept.

Maddie Grace started 2nd grade, where has the time gone?  She is growing up so quickly. She loves her teacher, Mr. Bill and was very excited to head back to school she told me the night before her first

MG and her new glasses

day very sweetly,"mom you don't have to walk me in tomorrow I will be fine" Oh it broke my heart but I know that she is just being independent which we want her to be.  About a month into school we noticed that she was straining a little to read books, see the board, etc and so I had her eyes checked and just like her mom she had to have glasses. She looks precious if I say so.  She is also playing softball and is a good foot shorter than everyone else but her daddy is coaching and she loves it.  I will wait and see how this season goes before I call Jenny Finch for lessons. She is so in love with Samuel it is the sweetest thing, she can not stand to hear him cry and will even run down stairs is she hears him, such a sweet child, a little mama

Samuel is doing well he is growing like a weed he will be 4 months on the 11th , he weighs 13lbs 8oz he has grown tremendously since he was born, he loves to smile and talk and eat if you could not tell from his weight gain. He is pushing up although he has not rolled over yet. And we have him upstairs in his bed sleeping he usually sleeps from about 9 pm until I get him up at 7am and on the weekends when I let him sleep he goes until 9am. What can I say the boy loves his sleep.  He is still having issues with reflux but at this point I am just letting it go hoping it will run its course and he will out grow it by 6 months if not we will move on to more testing.  He is a sweet baby but he does let you know what he wants, right NOW!!  We thought he

. 

was going to be a paci baby and he still wants it when he is really tired but it appears that he will be a thumb sucker, he loves to suck is thumb you can even hear him at night he is so loud, sucking away.  And yes for those that wonder he looks just like his big brother Zach.  As time has passed he looks more and more like him. And if that doesn't take your breath away nothing will.  It was hard at first to look at Sam and see Zach but now I see it as a blessing.  Maddie Grace reminds Samuel , that he has a big brother and sister, which brings a smile to my face, it reminds me how important he was and is to her as well as us.  It would have been his 3rd birthday this Halloween and hours do not pass that I do not think of my sweet boy, they did a fallow up article in the Athens Banner about Samuel and Zach which was sweet, but as I have always said we love Samuel but loving him doesn't replace Zach or take away the pain of losing him. But makes us love him that much more.

2 months old

I can not believe it and please forgive me for not updating before now but I have had my hands full and with any spare time frankly I have been resting. Samuel does not quite have the whole idea that you sleep at night down. He also has a pretty rough case of reflux and we have had to adjust he meds twice to try and get him to a point that he is at least a little comfortable. He is grunting, crying and pushing so much he gave himself a hernia, which with preemies is very common. Zach had a horrible inguinal hernia, they are painful and look horrible Samuel thank goodness just has an umbilical hernia and although it looks gross is not painful and we hope will heal on its on as he gets a little older the majority heal by the age of 3 we are keeping our fingers crossed if not it is a simply surgery. Besides his reflux and not sleeping he is really doing great he is almost 9lbs, loves to eat, ALOT. He enjoys the bath and is starting to coo and smile and hold his head up and try to push with his arms. And of course he loves his sister and she still cant get enough of him although we do think the newness is starting to wear off and she doesn't hover over him as much as she use to. We are so blessed and are so happy that God has given us a 3rd beautiful child.
Maddie Grace is doing well too she turned 7 on the 8Th and I can not believe it she has grown up so fast she will be graduating from high school before I can blink although she has assured us she will be attending UGA and living at home that she is never moving out. I think we will hold her to that when she is 18. She has been such a blessing to us with Samuel and anyone who knows her knows what a sweet child she truly is, she takes after her daddy ;). She will be starting 2ND grade in a few weeks and is so excited. We took her to the American Girl store for lunch and shopping she had saved her money to buy yet another AG doll, Lanie, and wanted lots of extras for her birthday she loved it and her friend Karlee came along. She is not having her party until the end of July to busy but is super excited to be having a Trapeze party at Canopy studios neat place if you have a chance you should check it out in Athens. She also had a little cake at the lake for the 4Th with the family, guess it is just a birthday month.
We did have a chance to go and visit Zach when we went home a few weeks ago to take Samuel to meet my grandmother Nana Mc. It was bitter sweet to go by as if Zach didn't already know about Samuel, I have been dealing with the guilt factor and it is getting better and Maddie Grace and I still talk about Zach everyday and I will always although Samuel didn't have the chance to know his big brother I want him to know about him through us. My mom and I were talking this weekend about things we see in Sam that remind us of Zach. We are at the beach this week and we took the kids down to the ocean tonight after we got back to the condo after dinner and put those little feet in the ocean while his big sister ran and jumped into the water. Who would have though 2 years ago we would be where we are now? God has a way of bringing things full circle. I promise I will update again after the beach with lots of pictures. But know that we are enjoying our time as a family no matter what.