Shots, Shots and more Shots.

Since my last post we have had so much happen, in our busy little world. Maddie Grace as you know started 1st grade and it loving every moment of it. The first few days she was a little, and mean very little, clingy. By the end of the 2nd week she was great and has now moved on to not wanting mom around at all, heart breaking. She decided this week she was wanted to ride the bus to school. Although I was very unsure about letting my 6 year old on the bus, Kyle encouraged me to let her go, seeing how we want her to be independent and confident. So I did and she loved it, she loved it so much that she wanted to ride the bus home in the afternoon, after a few tears and begging I agreed. The good thing about Oconee County is the schools are staggered so there are only elementary students on the bus, which did ease my fears a little. She has been riding it ever since and loves it although I am sure this will be short lived when she hits, the I am to cool for the bus stage, so I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts. She also started soccer again this week, and loves it we know that team sports are always great for kids and she has been playing since she was 4 this is her 3rd season we cant wait she is now in the 8 and under group it should be lot of fun to watch and be a nice soccer mom.
Kyle had a birthday I will not say how old he is, but it was a great weekend. Mom and Dad let us go to the lake house with a few of our friends, it was a nice relaxing weekend, Mom and Dad even joined us along with Maddie Grace and my niece Rae, they enjoyed each other and swimming it was really hot and the water was a great way to cool off. Maddie Grace and I are so blessed to have a great husband and father like Kyle although he doesn’t always get the credit he deserves, hey he has been with me since my sophomore year in college so credit is totally due, and that is 13 years for those who don’t know us as well. We have been married 8 years.
Our infertility journey has been a busy one the past few weeks. The Saturday we went to the lake (Aug 8th), I started taking my new injections. At first the shots didn’t seem to be working and my RE was trying to adjust the dosage to get a response, so 32 shots, 7 trips to Augusta, and 16 days later I am still taking shots and have finally started to have a response to the medicine. Which is great, I head back to the doctor in the morning to see how much has changed if any. I will not really go into details but for those that are interested I am sure you can google ovulation induction and get lots of info. And much to my surprise the side effects from this medication have not been as bad as the other medications I have taken in the past. Please continue to pray that the doctors will see what they need so we may be blessed with another child.
The week after I went to the lake I had to go to Tifton for work, this was a huge challenge for me. I currently have and have had since Zach passed away, a problem going anywhere without Kyle and Maddie Grace. Yes I am very aware how irrational this is and I am working through it but it will have to be on my own time. I was actually ok, although my anxiety leading up to my trip was pure hell. Losing your child does crazy things to you and makes you think WAY too much. A few nights ago Kyle and I watched a DVD by Louie Gigolo that I have had for awhile and kept putting off. Those who have not heard of him, just google him . He has a new set of 4 DVDs out before I came back from Augusta one morning I stopped at Lifeway, and got “Hope: When Life hurts most”. For this first time since Zach’s death I heard something that I really felt. It was not a message full of platitudes and one liners, it really just laid it out there. I highly recommend this to anyone. The other 3 DVDs are great also and you can see bits of them all on you tube. He is not your typical suit and tie pastor, he was at North Point Church in Atlanta for a long time and is now starting a new church in Atlanta, Passion City Church, he is very easy to listen to and down to earth. He does alot with college age students though his passion conferences too.
One more thing the little baby Ellen that I have asked you guys to pray for is at home in Moultrie and doing well. They are all continuing to adjust to their new lives at home, please continue to keep them on your prayer lists that her body will continue to accept this precious gift she was given.
Keep us in your prayers as I drive back and forth to Augusta, praying for god to bless us with a child. Maddie Grace said tonight that is sure is taking God a long time to give us a baby and it would have been a lot easier if we could have just kept Zach. Her words couldn’t have been truer, but what a blessing he has been to so many in spite of it all.

The road never seems to be easy

As I told you all a few weeks ago, Kyle and I had decided to move ahead with the fertility treatments, so after we got back from the beach we had to head to Augusta, to have blood work and an ultrasound, we went to Augusta thinking that we were going to start our new cycle and maybe finally have the child that we so desperately want, but it appeared that God had other plans. As they did the ultrasound the doctor found a growth on one of my ovaries, which due to my condition is not unusual, so everything had to be put on hold to make sure it goes away, due to the risks of the injections the ultrasound had to be clear. So we have to wait another four weeks to see if things have changed and we can move forward. In the meantime, called the mail order pharmacy to go ahead and have all my medications lined up so they would be here when the time is right, but once again things are not going as planned. A few months ago in preparation for the possibility of this treatment I called our insurance company to verify that they would in fact cover the medication she said yes as long as my doctor called and had it pre-approved. Being that it is super, super expensive, and when I say expensive I don’t mean just hundreds of dollars, well above that I was very relieved. Then I get a call from the pharmacy telling me that insurance has denied my claim and will not pay for the medications. So being that I am very familiar with insurance companies I called to see what the deal was. I was told at that point, which they, the insurance company had decided that the medication was not necessary and therefore denied the claim, was denied. Amazing I guess since they have no idea what is going on and oh yeah they are not doctors or nurses, but I guess this is what we have to look forward to with universal healthcare, someone else making the decision for us. We are still going forward; we will figure everything out as it comes along.
A few nights ago I was looking at some things of Zach’s pictures, videos, etc.. I clicked on one of the videos he was laying in Kyle’s lap, just looking around, and started crying, cooing, like babies do. Before I knew it I was crying but I realized I also loved knowing that I had that video and the pictures and the moments with him, that is better than nothing at all. I had pulled things out because a workout club The Omni is planning a softball tournament in memory of Zach with proceeds going to Zach Nation which we will give to the March of Dimes, I hope to have more info soon for anyone interested, we are so excited about the opportunity.
So to add to the anxiety that I am already having which comes and goes, Maddie Grace started first grade today, WOW! My little girl in first grade, I had a lot of hesitation this morning when we started getting ready but she much to my surprise made me feel better. Kyle and I walked her in and she went straight to her desk, unpacked and was ready for the day, no tears were shed I really don’t think she wanted us to stay as long as we did, she was fine and was going to have a great day. When I picked her up this afternoon, she sweetly told me, “now mama tomorrow I can get out at car riders you don’t need to walk me in”, heart breaking but happy at the same time, it means we are doing our job as parents at least we are trying I should say.
One last thing I wanted to mention was baby Ellen that I have been getting all of you to pray for, she has made HUGE improvements and is in the Ronald McDonald Transplant recovery house now, with the possibility of going home very soon, what a blessing for them please continue to keep the entire family in your prayers, her recovery is nothing short of a miracle. The other night when we found out how great she was doing Kyle and I both were very excited for John and Dorothy I know that they are so grateful. At the same time there is always that bit of jealousy and wonder. Jealous that we didn’t get our miracle our happy ending, and wonder what we did or didn’t do that made our circumstances different. Pray for us as we hope that things may if God is willing, change and maybe just maybe we can catch a break too.