Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!

I can not believe it is already the end ofOctober. I apologize for not updating sooner but I have been without a computer for the last week or so due to a deadcharger, gotta love computers. This month has been a good one I try to keep myself as busy as possible to due this month’s significance. Kyle and I made a weekend trip to Nashville with friends and had a blast, the food was great and I have to say that watching my husband ride a mechanical bull was the highlight of my weekend. I always knew I had a cowboy somewhere in there. Mom and Dad were gracious enough to keep Maddie Grace for us and she even went down to Tallahassee to stay with my sister and her family and had a great time. We had a few teary phone calls but all in all she was great, I think I had a harder time than she did although she was very ready to see me on Sunday and could not wait to see her daddy. On Tuesday we went to a luncheon for my dad, he is the Georgia Farmer of the Year. They announced that day who won the national at the Expo, and although dad didn’t win, even though anyone that knows him and how much he has done for agriculture knows that he should have won and needs no award to prove that although I am sure it would have been great. We did get to take Maddie Grace to the pumpkin patch this past weekend it was packed and cold, but she loves it every year, the hayride, cow ride (don’t ask), pig races ( yes you are reading correctly) and of course the petting zoo and patch.

She was very concerned that all of the pumpkins would be gone. Funny story that night I was not feeling well and Kyle grilled steak and corn to go along with a few other things I had for supper. Maddie Grace had eaten a few bites and about 10 bites in she started crying and ran over to me. I was very confused thought maybe she had bitten her tongue but she had actually bitten down and made her front tooth pretty loose. I guess the movement and the fact that she has not lost a tooth so she did know what that feeling was freaked her out. We tried to clam her by telling her how great it was and that when she lost it the tooth fairy would bring her money for her tooth under her pillow, well that made it worse and she made it clear that she didn’t want any fairy under her pillow and could she just put it on the bedside table. Kyle and I got a good laugh out of that, she has since really enjoyed having her first loose tooth and grosses me out by pushing it back and forth, yuck!!! I do not have much to report as far as fertility goes but hope to have good news this month.

As most of you already know our sweet Zach’s birthday is Saturday, Halloween, he would have been 2 this year; which means it has been a year and a half since he has been gone. We miss him so much and no matter how much time has passed that pain remains unchanged. It is hard to imagine what he would be like at 2 when he died so young and so small. I am trying to remember the sweet little boy we had for that short period of time. When all you have are a few videos, pictures and short memories you can become afraid that you will forget his little smile or his smell. We thought at 2 we would be chasing a little boy who had his sister’s dolls and keeping him in his toddler bed, but we don’t get to do that. Things that as mom’s we do not always like, but we would take every tough moment every time out for us or him just to have him here. So to my sweet Zach we love you and although we know that you have seen things in heaven that we can not imagine and you are whole and you are happy, we know that you are home which makes us homesick for you. You are our angel that we think about every hour and that will not ever change. We have and continue to learn so much from you and cant wait to hold you again one day. We love you.

Waiting for Fall

I am not sure where you are but we have started to see glimpses of fall for the last week or so, and boy do I want cooler weather. Although I love the pool and summer fun there is nothing better than a cold day and a sweater. And of course a Georgia Football game to go along with it. The last few weeks have been busy physically and emotionally draining. With the constant driving to Augusta at the crack of dawn, it tends to take a lot out of you. My RE raised my meds for this cycle by 2 ½ times and by the end we still had not really seen the response that she wanted, although it was a little better than the first unsuccessful cycle it was no really where she wanted things to be. So once again we are waiting, you would think that as much as I have been waiting lately I would have become much better at it but sadly that is a no. I am trying though, when you are a control type of person like me, it all makes this a huge test in faith, like we didn’t already know that. Maddie Grace is doing very well in school and loves all the new things she is learning in 1^st grade, she is reading so well and is so excited to read to you or anyone else who will listen. I am so glad that she loves it I really want her to enjoy reading like Kyle and I do. There is nothing like being engrossed in a good book. She has still had a few things that have come up which impress upon us how much we still need to boost her confidence, we had a friend over to play the other day, and I heard them in the backseat talking about how she had a little sister, when she then looked at Maddie Grace and said “you do not have a sister like me” and of course Maddie Grace responded and said no I have a brother, as my skin began to tighten I new what was next and without a missed step it came out of her mouth like water out of the sink, “but your brother is dead” and whack just that fast and hard but without skipping a beat herself, Maddie Grace looked at her and said but he is alive in heaven and will always be in our hearts. Well that was it, the tears began to flow like rain, I was so proud of her, we know that some things have started to sink in. And as the days draw closer to Zach’s birthday she remembers everything like it was yesterday just as we do. She even remembers the kids stealing the candy bowl off of our porch that night after we had left for the hospital. When they say kids are like sponges that is an understatement and it doesn’t mean just the good things either. When we went to Augusta last week we had to take her with us and you could tell as soon as she saw the hospital she was very uncomfortable.My compassionate friends group added a new online video to explain about compassionate friends and about losing a child, it is a wonderful video and really gives those who have not lost a child a small window into our world. I have added it here and if you are interested take a look at it.We had supper club in September as well and it was yummy!!! Todd and Julie thanks so much for hosting. It was so much fun to stuff our bellies and let the kids go (they were invited this month) and enjoy adult conversation, it was a lot of fun. We do it every other month with a new host each time. November is our month to host and those that know me know how much I love to cook, so I am getting ready trying new recipes, because everyone knows you NEVER try a new recipe on the night of a party. I am very excited. Anyone with any great recipes, please send them to me I love trying something different.Please keep us in your prayers as you all have been so kind to do as Zach’s birthday approaches and as we continue to travel this road of infertility. Although we are more than aware that we are not the only person to be at this place right now, sometimes if feels like it. There are millions of families facing infertility and sadly there millions facing the loss of a child, but we know that God will lead us through this too, he never promised it would be easy and only promised he would be there when it is tough. Many times as Christians we, and when I say we I mean me too, expect that because we are Christians things should be easier that we should not face the challenges that others do. We find our selves believing the lies that if we had more faith or prayed harder that the outcome would have been different or believe that God is punishing us by taking someone away. Although these experiences will be used to teach us and others, they are for a greater purpose, like those that have been touched by Zach. Although God embraces our anger at these time and somehow returns it with love.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God,the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary;his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,and strengthens the powerless.Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall exhausted;but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary,they shall walk and not faint.Isaiah 40:28-31