4 years? I miss you so much

I know in my heart that it has been 4 years since your tiny body came into our lives.  But it seems like yesterday.  This time 4 years ago I was happily pregnant with my 2nd child, a little boy who we were waiting anxiously to join us.  What we didn't know was how much our world would turn upside down the next day.  Today as I sat at your grave, I cried for the memories we never got to make, for snuggles and hugs I miss so much, the precious face of my first born son. You sister has lost some memories but most remain.She still hurts and misses you so. She asked today to if  I would tell her the story of the  Halloween night the year you were born. I think she is afraid she will forget. I re-live
night for her which in a strange way seems to help her and me too, but then again talking about you always does.   I have learned to smile although the smiles usually fade quickly.  You taught us and remind us everyday so many things, how to fight like no other  I have learned to hold those I love close, how to love,

that it is ok to hurt but most of all to never give up. You were such a fighter- who honestly should have never made it past the the first night-- you are a hero and an example for us all to strive for. You are never far from my thoughts, funn the scent of hand sanitizer always gets me. It is so hard to see your big sister and little brother doing things that I know you will never do, it makes me that much more protective of them. my patience my complaining parents and parents that just don't care is very short. I love remembering all of the antics of pulled in theNICU the strong little boy you were and how much stronger you are now.  I know that you are happier, you can breath, you can walk and talk and have  life that you never had on earth. That does not  ease the pain, it does make the next 50 years a journey, a journey to see you again.  I look at Samuel and smile know that you two would have made quite the pair, making memories in my head that will never play out.  My heart

aches, no way to get around no way to heal it. I like so many parents of have lost their child to soon, I  ache.  It will never go away, it doesnt heal with time. You only learn to cope and go and far as you can each day.  My ache is painful tonight, more painful than yesterday just like evey year on your birthday or the day you died.  But my ache also reminds me of you something I never want to go away. I Thank you for being my son thank you for letting me love you when I was so undeserving of someone so perfect.  I pray that I have made you proud.


love - Mommy