The Kirks

4 years? I miss you so much

2011-10-31T00:33:00.000-04:00

I know in my heart that it has been 4 years since your tiny body came into our lives. But it seems like yesterday. This time 4 years ago I was happily pregnant with my 2nd child, a little boy who we were waiting anxiously to join us. What we didn't know was how much our world would turn upside down the next day. Today as I sat at your grave, I cried for the memories we never got to make, for snuggles and hugs I miss so much, the precious face of my first born son. You sister has lost some memories but most remain.She still hurts and misses you so. She asked today to if I would tell her the story of the Halloween night the year you were born. I think she is afraid she will forget. I re-live
night for her which in a strange way seems to help her and me too, but then again talking about you always does. I have learned to smile although the smiles usually fade quickly. You taught us and remind us everyday so many things, how to fight like no other I have learned to hold those I love close, how to love,

that it is ok to hurt but most of all to never give up. You were such a fighter- who honestly should have never made it past the the first night-- you are a hero and an example for us all to strive for. You are never far from my thoughts, funn the scent of hand sanitizer always gets me. It is so hard to see your big sister and little brother doing things that I know you will never do, it makes me that much more protective of them. my patience my complaining parents and parents that just don't care is very short. I love remembering all of the antics of pulled in theNICU the strong little boy you were and how much stronger you are now. I know that you are happier, you can breath, you can walk and talk and have life that you never had on earth. That does not ease the pain, it does make the next 50 years a journey, a journey to see you again. I look at Samuel and smile know that you two would have made quite the pair, making memories in my head that will never play out. My heart

aches, no way to get around no way to heal it. I like so many parents of have lost their child to soon, I ache. It will never go away, it doesnt heal with time. You only learn to cope and go and far as you can each day. My ache is painful tonight, more painful than yesterday just like evey year on your birthday or the day you died. But my ache also reminds me of you something I never want to go away. I Thank you for being my son thank you for letting me love you when I was so undeserving of someone so perfect. I pray that I have made you proud.

love - Mommy

So Blessed

2011-08-28T21:33:00.000-04:00

There are very few things in life that really make your heart feel full, that are marked in your memory as one of your most proud moments. Maddie Grace a few months ago came to Kyle and I and told us she wanted to ask Jesus into her heart as parent there is no greater prayer. So after going through our new Christians class she was baptized this Sunday, I was so proud of her, she was so brave. One night last week while we were doing her devotion I asked her what she most excited about after becoming a Christian and without skipping a beat she smiled and said getting to see Zach, she then paused and said and Jackson (our dog we had to put to sleep this summer). My family came up which as a big treat and she loved spending time with her cousins and our newest addition sweet Evelyn. Her first few weeks of 3rd grade, yes 3rd grade, have been great she loves school and loves her teacher, I guess there is not much more to ask for.
Samuel is doing great, although it if you ask Maddie Grace he is a holy terror and mean. Oh the joys of siblings. He has really started talking more and tries to repeat most everything which can be very entertaining, he even likes to "sing".
Last week I went to a meeting at St.Mary's Hospital I was asked to attend. It was for a group they are starting to help families with babies who are terminal, premature, have birth defects etc.. I am so very excited about this it is giving Kyle and I the opportunity to help other families who may be faced with the same decisions we were. Helping them through a journey we have already made, helping us heal a little more in the process. If anything good comes from losing Zach this is without a doubt something he would be proud of. We still have so much healing to do and know that we will never heal completely that we are forever changed but things like this make each day better. I read a book a month or so ago, Heaven is for real if you have not read this I really encourage you to do so although I know I will see Zach again one day this book made my heart smile, if it can do that.
We are getting ready for a busy fall and school year like so many other families taking it one day at a time, prayers for everyone for a wonderful start , please say a prayer for everyone in the Northeast, our friends the Bryan's (In Virgina) and my friend Greer's grandmother(in New Jersey) both were hit hard by Irene, praying they are on the mend or at least their homes soon. They are all safe but we know they are without power and have damage. And prayers for everyone else.

We are still here

2011-08-11T10:28:00.000-04:00

Yes we are still here. I have been so busy with work and family I haven't had time to keep things up like I wanted to. I guess chasing a busy little boy is tougher than I thought it would be. He is into everything, they say boys are different than girls and goodness are they. But what fun he is. Now being 15 months old he has really started to develop a personality, started talking and uses his sign language to tell us when he really wants something although he will pitch a royal fit when he feels the need. Maddie Grace was very quite at this age would sit and read books with you lay down with you and snuggle, Samuel not so much although he is wonderful at giving kisses, he wants you to read him books while he is standing and can move around and he isn't still long enough to snuggle much.

Our summer was busy but great we went to Seagrove Beach and it was beautiful, we have always gone to Amelia Island, but it was a nice change. It is one subdivision over from Seaside, famous for the movie,"Truman Show". Maddie Grace had a ball and loved the calm seas of the gulf, Samuel hated the sand but after a few days did warm up to the ocean. It was a great trip. Maddie Grace had here 8th birthday right before we left so we had a small thing before we left with just the 4 of us, and we finally let her get her ears pierced. We also made a trip to the zoo this summer and several trips to the lake. It seems every year it goes by faster and faster.

Daddy and Sam checking out the sand

Maddie Grace had a spend the night party last weekend to finally have the chance to celebrate the big 8 with her friends. I wasn't sure if I was crazy or a glutton for punishment. The girls were really good though, we all stayed over at Papa and Dede's townhouse , I didn't think that a 15 month old and 8 little girls would work very well. I had a friend whose little girl was at the party spend the night and help. Between Greer and I we pretty much had things under control. Although it has been a long time since I had a slumber party things are much the same still, lots of giggles,pizza, cake, junk food and little girls trying to stay awake as long as possible. We did manage to get them to sleep just after 1am. All in all it was a great night and Maddie Grace was so happy which is what matters the most. She has had a tough summer she started sleep walking and almost came over the balcony once , scared us to death and has had some anxiety issues which we are trying so hard to work on. It developed when Zach was in the hospital and became worse after he died. She is now to the age where she has lots of questions about Zach and what happend, his funeral,etc.. It takes time to go through it all with her

and drains us both in the process-- We just pray she will be okay.

School started on Wednesday and Maddie Grace is now in the 3rd grade, wow, where does the time go?? She was thrilled and was a little upset that I wanted to take her to school instead of letting her ride the bus. Sam missed her so much he has really enjoyed her this summer or maybe I should say enjoyed driving her crazy. Kyle is teaching 4th this year and coaching of course. Last season was tough but we saw alot of improvement this summer and are excited about the chance for a better season.

After I took her to school since she has to be there by 7:30 Samuel and I decided to make a run for some oatmeal at Chic-fil-a (excellent by the way). While I was waiting in the line I noticed I line of girls coming out all in high school dressed like a 25 year old going to a party. As they strolled across the parking lot I noticed that each little girl got into their car and I lost it-- Really?? lets go down the line new Mercedes convertible, Mercedes SUV, new BMW convertible, new Solaris convertible, and 2 more lexus'. I mean really! At 16 maybe 17 you really need a 70- 80,000 car. This week took MG to a Chic-fil-a for lunch (i think there is a pattern here) , we went in ordered food and as usual the staff was more than nice and so helpful even when same was "talking" loudly. The young man behind the counter was as nice as could be and when I looked up I realized that he went to our church and Maddie Grace recognized him because he sings alot with the youth band. On to my point this young man was working at chic-fil-a, wasn't driving a fancy car and I know that his parents could afford it, how do I know this? Because his dad is Coach Richt. It made me smile to see that expectations have not gone completely away and that teaching children how to earn something is still valued. And it made me have even more respect them. And let me say this before someone gets ma

d-- I know that these girls could very well be sweet, outgoing, the perfect child who thinks of others first and is the next mother Teresa, doubtful but I will accept that. Even if they are NO 16 year old needs a car like that and if they do then why.

Anyway off my soapbox-- We are all doing great and since we are back on schedule I will update more frequently. Hope everyone had a great summer and wonderful start to the school year. Pray for our country no matter where you fall politically are we are in a bad place as a nation and need to get it together soon

Has it really been a year?

2011-05-10T15:18:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Samuel!! Can you believe it has been a year? I think that the last 12 months has flown by. So sad that our once tiny 4lb 13oz baby is now a huge 23 lbs and so tall and healthy, praise the lord, he is healthy. He has brought so much joy to our family over the past year. His sister is completely in love with him and reminds us every day how happy she is to have a little brother. He is now walking and can say mama, dada, all gone and few other things in a language we have yet to figure out. He is very different from Maddie Grace as a baby , very busy on the go all the time. He has a great disposition and is usually scrunching his nose and smiling. He loves to eat, ALOT, and thank goodness he is not a picky eater. My mom fed him a big plate of squash this weekend at the lake and he ate it all, along with about 10 other things. He has the biggest blue eyes and a serious set of dimples, watch out girls. God has blessed us so much, Samuel was truly a gift and a blessing. I am amazed everyday at him and how much he is changing and growing.
We had a small family birthday party at Papa and Dede's lake house, my sister is due at any moment and driving ask for from Tallahassee was not an option and it is Papa's busy season so he couldn't be far away, it also gave the older girls a great weekend of tubing and skiing who could ask for anything better than that.

So, Samuel as you turn 1 I want you to know how much we love you. How proud we are to be your parents, you are a true joy to us and can not believe how blessed we are to have you. This time one year ago I was sitting at the doctor in pain crying because you were not supposed to come early, we had taken measures to keep you in surgery, bed rest , medications. Dr. A checked me and could tell my oh so wonderful cerlage was pull apart. So they sent me to the hospital I called your daddy and he met me there. Once at the hospital, she took out the cerclage and waited to see what would happen within 20 minutes it became painfully aware that you were coming out , off to the OR and 20 minutes later with lots of crying from me bring scared to death you joined the world. The took you to the NICU but I knew that the nurses would take great care of you as they had with your brother. They intubated you long enough to give you surfactant , to help you breath,and you did well, a few days on oxygen and all we needed to do was teach you to eat. Within 2 weeks you were doing great and we brought you home. I think I checked you 15 times that night, I was so afraid but you were great, always hungry but great. We wouldnt have it any other way, we love you and can not wait to see what the next year holds.

3 Years

2011-04-18T12:40:00.001-04:00

Zach and Daddy 4/12/08

Is it ever possible to grieve enough? Do we really ever allow ourselves to completely feel the pain of our loss? A few nights ago Kyle and I were talking about the anniversary of Zach's death which is tomorrow (19th). He and I both agreed that in we really never fully grieved Zach's passing. All of the well meant pushing, and attempts at keeping us busy after his death really kept us both from really talking and grieving his passing. As a parent you feel like there is a time limit that people put on you sometimes, on the amount of time they will allow you to hurt. But we do not feel that same time limit we do not move on, time doesn't heel our wounds, a new child doesn't make it better or replace the loss and no you do not just get over it. For the last 3 years there has been a constant sick feeling somedays are better than others but it never goes away. You can read any book that will tell you "how to grieve" which is a joke and really makes you feel good when you realize they have never even lost a child. Please tell me how to feel when you hold your child in your arms as he takes his last breath, when you see every hope you ever had die along with them. The day he passed seems so vivid still sometimes more vivid than the happy times we had together the 6 months before. Walking into your bedroom to have flashes of you franticly giving your child CPR on your bed does not make for the best night sleep. No time doesnt make it better but we know God has a plan for our family although most of the time that plan is hard to see or understand. Although there are those special moments when someone comes along you do not know and tells you how much Zach meant to them or when I see or feel something that I know is him. Zach was more precious than anything to our family. We know that Zach would have had problems from his prematurity but it is amazing what you will accept as "normal" when it means having your child "perfect doesnt seem to matter anymore.

To Zach we miss you more everday but know that you are watching us we know that you have seen things that we can only imagine. You are walking, talking and pain free. We wish that you were here with us, we wanted so to have all of our babies here to have a 7, 3, and 11 month old would have been the greatest challenge yet. To us though you will always be that 6 month old baby with chubby cheeks and firey attitude, who went through more in your 6 months than most do in 70 years. And we know that letting you go was the most unselfish thing we could have done although our hearts so wanted us to keep you. I am blessed to be you mother,blessed to have been there when you quietly came into this world at a tiny 18oz, and I was blessed to hold you in my arms and tell you it was ok to go as you took your last breath, with your daddy by my side we prayed and you peacefully went from my arms to Jesus'. Something no parent should ever do but I am so lucky to have had that time. We love and miss you, our first son-

love- mommy

Ready For Spring

2011-02-21T10:20:00.001-05:00

MG and Sam loving the snow

I always loved snow, but after the week of being "shut down" due to 8 inches of snow plus almost 2 inches of ice I have had enough for this year. The first day was beautiful but it soon turned ugly with the ice, our driveway is an incline and there was no getting out luckily we had the fore thought to put Kyles truck at the top of the drive way but even with that we were not able to get out of our neighborhood until Thursday, let just say a week at home locked up without the ability to even go outside

Notice Dad's nose injury

made us all have case of cabin fever. And caused one minor injury from a nameless dad, trying to show his daughter how to sled lets just say we are not as young as we us to be. But the snow melted and life has gotten back to normal. We have even had some nice weather here this week.

Samuel is doing well he is now 9 months old time flies so quickly he is trying to walk and very hard to contain our living room look much like a large play pen. He has had an issue with his eye that we are heading to the pediatric specialist in Augusta for tomorrow. We hope it is nothing but if not then we will get it fixed and move forward. It is not slowing him down I can assure you. If it is we may want to reconsider going to the doctor, just kidding!

Maddie Grace is great as well softball season is starting nexet week and she is very excited, she is reading like crazy and has really enjoyed the weather this week as well. She got the flu about 2 weeks ago and it has taken her awhile to get back to normal, even after getting a flu shot. She is still in love with Samuel but she is now starting to learn just how much "fun" a little brother is .

Baseball season has begun and so Kyle is at the field, this is a "rebuilding year" he lost 9 seniors and one jr who moved so he is having to start over. But that's what it is all about or so he says. It is going to be a tough season after such a great one last year but still fun.

This weekend some of friends from Zach's NICU stay had their 3rd birthday this weekend and although Zach would have already turned 3 in October and it really didn't hit me until I saw pictures of the boys at their party , playing, walking, eating cake. It really hit just how much we are missing with Zach. We are doing out best to make sure we honour him with our lives daily. We were asked to be the March of Dimes ambassador family this year, we have raised money form them since Zach passed , and we excited to do so. I have had a few speaking engagements and have done ok holding it together but there are points that still get me even though I try to make it as clear as possible, crying only makes it harder for others to understand what an amazing child he was. I will let everyone know as soon as we know about Samuel's eye, please keep him in your prayers as we go tomorrow (Tuesday) .

A new year

2011-01-03T23:52:00.000-05:00

I know I should be ashamed it has been 6 weeks since my last post and I had no idea that time had gone by so quickly. We are already in 2011, and if you would have asked us a few years ago I doubt we would have thought we were going to make it this far. The last few months have been a journey of emotions and joy. Still dealing with the guilt of Samuel to a point but being so grateful at the same time for the blessings that we have been given. Samuel is now almost 8 months old, he will be on the 10th at least. He is growing and changing everyday funny he in already 2 times the size of Zach when he passed away at 6 months. He is a big boy not a whole lot of meat or sweet baby rolls but tall and full of energy and love. He is trying to crawl and does a good job of "commando crawling" and gets where he needs to without much effort. And of course he is still the apple of his sister's eye. Maddie Grace eats him up and can not get enough of him, she is doing wonderful as well, getting taller and more like a young girl instead of my little baby. She is still doing so well in school loves reading and can not wait until Kyle gets home everyday to tell him what she has learned, I am not sure how I was blessed to have such a sweet child my mom and I laugh and say that God got Maddie Grace mixed up with my sister's little girl Ruthie who is so much like her aunt Jess, bless her heart.

The past few weeks have brought lots of reflection, as we went home for Christmas we went to see Zach as we always do, it always stirs emotions and thoughts. I started to think about things I wanted to do not trips or activities but things in my life in my families lives. What I want out of the next year, not a resolution, those are never kept at least not by me. So what do we want for 2011 WOW!!! what really can we ask for we have been blessed so much in 2010 I would not even know where to start. I am doing a new bible study my Francis Chan called The Forgotten God, which I HIGHLY recommend, I have done another study from him called Crazy Love which Kyle and I both really like as well, we have both been through it at least twice, we now lovingly refer to it as our goat book , a joke from our Sunday school teacher, except our goat is a 8 month old little boy. Anyway The Forgotten God is about the Holy Spirit, so I have been trying to work on my fruits of the spirit trying to maintain them in my daily life, and no it is not easy and no I am not good at it but if you see me somewhere talking to myself saying, "fruit of the spirit" over and over, I am not insane at least not completely. I am also making a better effort to update the blog. I do this for therapeutic reasons but I also do it for Maddie Grace and Samuel. I would like for them to have this one to see how their lives were.

Baseball season is quickly coming upon us which means less time with Kyle and lots of long hours for him, we will see how this season turns out. After such a heart wrenching end to last season and the loss of 9 seniors this will be a "rebuilding year" lets just hope it is not a long one Clarke Central is in one of the toughest baseball regions in the state which always makes for tough games. It should be interesting with our new addition . I hope each of you had a blessed Christmas and a great 2011!!

Happy Birthday my sweet boy

2010-10-24T22:39:00.001-04:00

First let me update everyone and say how great Samuel and Maddie Grace are doing. Sam is growing like a weed and is doing really well he is already trying to get his knees under him to crawl I am really hoping we can put this off a little longer he weighs in at a whopping 16.5lbs although he is heavy he is not fat but long. He has an infectious smile and is such a sweetie. Maddie Grace is doing great as well 2nd grade has been wonderful although we can see he gaining lots in independent ideas and behaviors, oh where has the time gone. She is playing softball and loves it even though she is a full head shorter atleast than all the other girls.

Sunday will be Zach's 3rd birthday which means it has been 2.5 years since he has been gone and honestly it feels like yesterday. I still vividly remember holding that sweet boy in my arms and miss him so desparately. The other day I thought about the time we had with Zach, the 6 months he was in the hospital and the day he came home. I would not change anything if that meant I would not have had him as much as it hurts the pain is worth every moment we had with him. We have grown so much in the past 3 years, but would love to have had him here with us to share in everything. Having Samuel does not make it easier, it does not make the pain any less and it doesnt make us miss him less. You see words like miracle thrown around alot, too much for me personally, and for the longest time I was very angry that we did not have a miracle, we didnt get to spend our life with Zach but as time has passed I do know that he was a miracle, he should have never lived at all and that in itself was a miracle. We have been so blessed to have some many pray for us even still and many who are still touched by his strength and will to live we are are lucky to have each and everyone of you in our lives.

At night before I go to bed you are always the last thing on my mind I pray that you are happy and that you are whole. I pray that you forgive me for not being able to make you well, if I could have I would , I think most mothers would. Maddie Grace talks about you everyday and tells Samuel all about you and what a great big brother you would have been, she always tells him he is the little brother and his big brother is watching him from heaven. We love you so much and wish that you were here too but we will be at grave on Sunday, although we know that you are not there it is only a place to go. I do not have to go there to talk to you I do everyday from where ever we are and I see you in place I never imagined so I know that you are there watching over us until we meet again. We love and miss you Zach-

love -Mommy

Keeping mommy busy

2010-09-08T16:50:00.002-04:00

MG and Sam at Amelia

I promise I had no idea it had been so long since my last update. We have finished the summer and started school since my last update and Samuel is almost 4 months old. he beach was great as usual relaxing and wonderful to have some family time together. Samuel even got in the pool with me and slept under his little tent on the beach. Maddie Grace had a blast although she was not impressed with the fact that mommy had to go back up to the condo with Samuel. The joys of 2 children, she has basically been an only child for so long that sharing mom and dad is a new concept.

Maddie Grace started 2nd grade, where has the time gone? She is growing up so quickly. She loves her teacher, Mr. Bill and was very excited to head back to school she told me the night before her first

MG and her new glasses

day very sweetly,"mom you don't have to walk me in tomorrow I will be fine" Oh it broke my heart but I know that she is just being independent which we want her to be. About a month into school we noticed that she was straining a little to read books, see the board, etc and so I had her eyes checked and just like her mom she had to have glasses. She looks precious if I say so. She is also playing softball and is a good foot shorter than everyone else but her daddy is coaching and she loves it. I will wait and see how this season goes before I call Jenny Finch for lessons. She is so in love with Samuel it is the sweetest thing, she can not stand to hear him cry and will even run down stairs is she hears him, such a sweet child, a little mama

Samuel is doing well he is growing like a weed he will be 4 months on the 11th , he weighs 13lbs 8oz he has grown tremendously since he was born, he loves to smile and talk and eat if you could not tell from his weight gain. He is pushing up although he has not rolled over yet. And we have him upstairs in his bed sleeping he usually sleeps from about 9 pm until I get him up at 7am and on the weekends when I let him sleep he goes until 9am. What can I say the boy loves his sleep. He is still having issues with reflux but at this point I am just letting it go hoping it will run its course and he will out grow it by 6 months if not we will move on to more testing. He is a sweet baby but he does let you know what he wants, right NOW!! We thought he

was going to be a paci baby and he still wants it when he is really tired but it appears that he will be a thumb sucker, he loves to suck is thumb you can even hear him at night he is so loud, sucking away. And yes for those that wonder he looks just like his big brother Zach. As time has passed he looks more and more like him. And if that doesn't take your breath away nothing will. It was hard at first to look at Sam and see Zach but now I see it as a blessing. Maddie Grace reminds Samuel , that he has a big brother and sister, which brings a smile to my face, it reminds me how important he was and is to her as well as us. It would have been his 3rd birthday this Halloween and hours do not pass that I do not think of my sweet boy, they did a fallow up article in the Athens Banner about Samuel and Zach which was sweet, but as I have always said we love Samuel but loving him doesn't replace Zach or take away the pain of losing him. But makes us love him that much more.

2 months old

2010-07-10T22:30:00.006-04:00

I can not believe it and please forgive me for not updating before now but I have had my hands full and with any spare time frankly I have been resting. Samuel does not quite have the whole idea that you sleep at night down. He also has a pretty rough case of reflux and we have had to adjust he meds twice to try and get him to a point that he is at least a little comfortable. He is grunting, crying and pushing so much he gave himself a hernia, which with preemies is very common. Zach had a horrible inguinal hernia, they are painful and look horrible Samuel thank goodness just has an umbilical hernia and although it looks gross is not painful and we hope will heal on its on as he gets a little older the majority heal by the age of 3 we are keeping our fingers crossed if not it is a simply surgery. Besides his reflux and not sleeping he is really doing great he is almost 9lbs, loves to eat, ALOT. He enjoys the bath and is starting to coo and smile and hold his head up and try to push with his arms. And of course he loves his sister and she still cant get enough of him although we do think the newness is starting to wear off and she doesn't hover over him as much as she use to. We are so blessed and are so happy that God has given us a 3rd beautiful child.
Maddie Grace is doing well too she turned 7 on the 8Th and I can not believe it she has grown up so fast she will be graduating from high school before I can blink although she has assured us she will be attending UGA and living at home that she is never moving out. I think we will hold her to that when she is 18. She has been such a blessing to us with Samuel and anyone who knows her knows what a sweet child she truly is, she takes after her daddy ;). She will be starting 2ND grade in a few weeks and is so excited. We took her to the American Girl store for lunch and shopping she had saved her money to buy yet another AG doll, Lanie, and wanted lots of extras for her birthday she loved it and her friend Karlee came along. She is not having her party until the end of July to busy but is super excited to be having a Trapeze party at Canopy studios neat place if you have a chance you should check it out in Athens. She also had a little cake at the lake for the 4Th with the family, guess it is just a birthday month.
We did have a chance to go and visit Zach when we went home a few weeks ago to take Samuel to meet my grandmother Nana Mc. It was bitter sweet to go by as if Zach didn't already know about Samuel, I have been dealing with the guilt factor and it is getting better and Maddie Grace and I still talk about Zach everyday and I will always although Samuel didn't have the chance to know his big brother I want him to know about him through us. My mom and I were talking this weekend about things we see in Sam that remind us of Zach. We are at the beach this week and we took the kids down to the ocean tonight after we got back to the condo after dinner and put those little feet in the ocean while his big sister ran and jumped into the water. Who would have though 2 years ago we would be where we are now? God has a way of bringing things full circle. I promise I will update again after the beach with lots of pictures. But know that we are enjoying our time as a family no matter what.

eat, sleep and you know...

2010-06-04T23:00:00.008-04:00

The last week has been great we are slowly adjusting to Samuel and our new schedule. He is still doing pretty well, although he loves to be held, a lot. He did finally latch on breastfeeding and has been eating well since and I would say he is over 6lbs now, he is starting to get some fat and lot just loose skin. My sister and her family were able to come up this past weekend and my two nieces got to see Samuel but most of all they were able to play with Maddie Grace, she was so excited. And my sister got to spend time with her new nephew bless his heart I am not sure how he is going to handle being the only boy with all these girls, I have a feeling he will be in a tutu before long. They ran the story in the Athens Banner Herald this past Sunday, the 2 year follow up that they wanted to do. We thought that it turned out very well and we were happy that Samuel was included in this one his brother would be so proud. You can read it here. We were so excited that Jeff who wrote the first article wrote this one too. We also had some pictures taken last week thanks to Stylized Portraiture (if you click their studio name it will take you to their blog to see a larger version of the pictures), Heather and Frankie (and Anna) are amazing, some of the pictures they got were breath taking. I will post them below too. All in all we are doing ok, still have emotions to deal with and on top of that a lack of sleep but we are hanging in there. Kyle is of course always helping more than any wife would imagine and Maddie Grace is such a huge help. Bless her heart she would hold him all day if we would let her but we have to put a limit on that. We will see how much she is still enjoying him a year from now when he is into all of her things, HA! I know that Zach is looking down and is just as proud as we are ,we have been so blessed and cant wait to see what each day brings, although I hope it brings a little more sleep in the near future.

A family of 5

2010-05-25T10:55:00.003-04:00

Home is great!!! We have had a great few days at home and feel so blessed to have our Samuel home with us. One upside of Sam being in the NICU is they have him on a schedule that he is really use to. So at night he wakes up about 10 minutes before time to eat and then goes right back to sleep. He really is a wonderful baby and Maddie Grace has been the biggest help and of course a wonderful big sister. She usually does not stray far from his side. Funny I wondered how bringing home a new baby would affect time with Maddie Grace, but it makes me loves her that much more, and reminds me of just how tiny she was not that long ago. Samuel seems to have a very laid back personality so far much like his sister, he loves to the cuddled but seems very content just to be in his swing or bed. I woke up after our first night home just waiting to hear his cry and without fail I heard that precious kitten sound, we made it, no trips back to the NICU or problems. He and Maddie Grace are having their picture made on Thursday with a local photographer here in Athens who does some of the most amazing baby pictures
http://www.stylizedportraiture.com/ Frankie and Heather are amazing with all of their pictures and I can not wait.
We are so blessed but I am blessed to have 3 precious children and a husband that does more for us than most husband and dads would even think of. I can not imagine how these last three weeks would have been without all of his support, love and help. He has been very understanding, all of my fear, meltdowns etc... we are so blessed to have him. And of course once again my mom and dad, mm with all of cooking and loving on Maddie Grace. Thank you all for your prayers and support, God has blessed us once again.

Drum Roll Please!

2010-05-23T20:23:00.003-04:00

I am sorry that I have not updated in a few days but I was afraid to say anything in case things changed. But it went as planned and we are home!!! We are so excited, we got home today a little after lunch. He has been great all afternoon although he was a little irritable this morning due to his circumcision this morning and continues to be when you change his diaper but who could blame him. It was a great moment to bring home our baby but it was emotional as well. And our first night at home brings back lots of memories of the fear and terror that set in after our only night home with Zach, I really hope we get sleep tonight. I will post more tomorrow but please keep us in your prayers for our first night at home. And for our new family.

Good and Bad

2010-05-20T22:33:00.003-04:00

Today was a good day for Samuel, he had not thrown up in almost 24 hours and he has taken all of his bottles by mouth. He is such a joy to watch. We are now just waiting to find out what the next step is what Dr Morales wants him to do to get out the door. The newspaper came up to take pictures for the follow up article, Maddie Grace got to come in and see Samuel she was very excited and held him loved him, and told him she would see him soon.

The day for me has not been as good, the anxiety is starting to build and the days seem to drag on a little to long, and to add to that I am feeling not so great my incision although is looking better is still causing havoc. God will get us through this too, just have to trust that he has everything under control, and he does.

Back to our birth weight

2010-05-19T21:56:00.003-04:00

Samuel is officially back to his birth weight!!! He had a good day today he had eaten all of his feedings through a bottle since yesterday at 12 which was great and had not thrown up today during the day. So we are hoping that they will raise his feedings, he still is not taking in the amount of food he needs to maintain his weight and go home, he needs to be taking at least 60 mLs. I am ready for him to start making some changes and move closer to getting home. The anxiety of being in the NICU and walking through those doors every morning is about to get the best of me. We also know that Dr Morales is going to be a little more cautious with is due to our "history" we do not want to be back once we leave and they do not want us to come back, except maybe to visit. Samuel did give me that precious smile this afternoon and melted my heart with his huge dimples and then promptly poked his lip out and started to cry when I told him how cute he was. Please pray that he comes home soon, I know there are babies that are far more critical than Sam, we have been there when everyday is moment to moment. My heart aches though with old memories as each day passes that he is there, I remember wishing Zach was home and only getting him for 18 hours was crushing, praying for better days.

Eating is starting to click

2010-05-18T21:40:00.002-04:00

Samuel had a good night last night although he is still continuing to reflux after some of his feedings even with the meds. I decided that instead of trying to breast feed I would pump and feed him through the bottle. Getting milk from breast feeding can be frustrating for preemies because they have to work so much harder to get it. We want him to have the breast milk but we do not want him to struggle to get it. Dr Morales took down how much milk he could have in volume from 45 mLs to 40 mLs and added .5mls safflower oil to keep the calories without the volume with this change he is hoping he will have less in his belly to cause the reflux, preemies have little control over their the muscle called the lower esophageal sphincter, their brains are not prepared to tell it to close and the muscle has to strengthen. It is all basically a preemie problem. He was a snuggle bunny today wanted to be held and hugged which i didn't mind a bit. I am pretty sure his nurses are spoiling him when we are not there, I won't name names!! (just kidding) It gives me comfort to know they are spoiling and loving him when we cant. I am still not feeling great but it will get better after I get a few more days of medicine. On Thursday the newspaper is coming to take pictures at in the NICU of all of us, they called a few weeks ago to ask if we would be willing to let them do a 2 year update on our family after losing Zach we didn't know we would be back in the NICU when we agreed but that is OK it is great to know that people loved reading about Zach so much that they wanted to know how things were now. It is such a great opportunity to show how blessed we are to have Zach little brother.

No big news

2010-05-17T22:12:00.004-04:00

No big changes or really anything new with Samuel today, they did raise his feedings and take out his IV like they had planned but he is still refluxing after feedings, typical of a preemie so they raised his reflux med dosage to see if it will help. We are hoping that as he matures it will get better he is still not able to take a full feed and until he is he will have to stay in the NICU, we cant put in a feeding tube at home.

I did go to the doctor first thing this morning for them to check my incision there is infection but there is also a really bad allergic reaction to the tape that they used on it, so they had to put my on steroids to help clear it up, fun fun!! When it rains it pours I guess. All in all he is doing well and we are truly grateful but tired just like any new parent or parent with a little one in the NICU. I have a really hard time leaving him every night, I want so badly to pick him up and take him with me but I know he is in good hands, still want him home though so I can see him and hears all of his cries, see his sweet dimples and stroke that crazy hair that is soft like a feather.

In a big boy bed

2010-05-16T21:36:00.003-04:00

Samuel had a good day today. He was put in a big boy bed so no more isolette. One step closer to home, as long as he is able to maintain his body temp which he has done so far. He is feeding better and better every time, practice makes perfect. As of today he is 36 weeks gestationally, so things that he is having a hard time with we are hoping will start to click in the next few days. They raised his feedings again to 40 mls and lowered his IV which will be turned off tomorrow. Kyle and I spent the afternoon with him while Maddie Grace was with our friends the Well's . I started having some issues and feeling sick last night, I happened to get one of the L&D nurses to check my incision and I apparently have an infection and will be heading to the drs office first thing in the morning, I called my dr and she called in an antibiotic to try and get things under control now. Keep me in your prayers, I really do not want to end up back in the hospital too. Nurse Angie put his little brother onesie on him that I made him it is a newborn size which is too big but still so cute. Hoping and praying he is home this week.

Family Day

2010-05-15T22:57:00.006-04:00

Today was family day in the NICU which meant Maddie Grace was able to go in and spend time with Samuel. This was a huge treat for her, she was so excited last night it took her forever to go to sleep. We went up to see him this morning and she held him after we tried to breast feed for an hour, she sat very quiet in the chair with him on top of the boppy. She could not take her eyes off of him, Kyle and I even heard her at one point singing "you are my sunshine" to Sam. That is what I sing to Maddie Grace when she doesn't feel well or is upset, scared etc.. she would lean her head down to his and say I love you so much Sam more than you know. It was the sweetest time. He was very content to lay and rest in her lap. Kyle and I did get in some snuggle time as well. He had a good day and did have a few time that he nursed really well although we are not at the point we need to be, he is already up to 35mls of milk every 3 hours but he is still not able to hang in there long enough to take it all by mouth so some has to be tube feed and that is ok, the more rest he gets the stronger he will get and then be home. His IV's were turned down again and were are hoping they will turned off and taken out within the next few days. I loved taking lots of pictures of he and Maddie Grace today you can really see all the blonde hair that he has that sticks out everywhere, he is his daddy's for sure. Praying for a good week and that we get to bring him home soon.

I had to go home but he stayed

2010-05-14T22:52:00.005-04:00

Today was the day so to speak, I stayed at the hospital as a patient as long as I possibly could. I knew that leaving Samuel would tough and it was. Kyle looked at me as we pulled away from the hospital and said WOW?! feels like we have been here before and it did, it felt a little like a replay of a bed dream. When Zach was born they wheeled us out crying through the maternity waiting area at St.Marys today they took us out the back way, something we had suggested during our last stay. It is tough to see all of the happy families when your heart is breaking even though you are happy for them, or you should be. We made it home and back up for a little while to feed him while a sitter stayed with Maddie Grace so she could go to bed. Sam had a day much the same they have continued to lower his hyperal(perinatal nutrition) and his lipids(fats), this should all come from his feedings. He is up to 30 mls of breast milk and he nursed very well tonight but he needs to be taking in I think on average 50mls per feeding, so we have a little way to go yet and he has to be able to take this by mouth or breast not by feeding tube . And we put clothes on him tonight too, thanks to nurse Laura for his present. He is getting close to back to his birth weight. Keep us in your prayers as we have our first night at home without Samuel, Maddie Grace is already starting to show signs of stress so the sooner we can get him home the better.

On another note Kyle and I were very afraid after the horrible birth experience with the OB practice we were with at the time of Zach's birth. We changed practices when we decided to try for another child and I am so happy we did and could not have been happier with our doctors and of course our great nurses at St.Mary's who took care of me and without a doubt our NICU nurses who we know so well and who love Samuel just like they did his big brother Zach.

3 Days old already

2010-05-13T20:03:00.004-04:00

I can not believe Samuel is already 3 days old. Today was by far the toughest day for me. I am still resting in the hospital and going upstairs to the NICU to visit with Samuel. He had a few dips last night in his heart rate, which they are pretty sure is due to reflux so he is on a med for it, not a big deal reflux is common in babies in general and is almost a given in preemies. They put back in his feeding tube, Dr. Morales wants to make sure he is getting a certain amount which at this point is 20mls. We are still working on the breast feeding and he had a good round tonight for about 4 minutes, we tube fed him to make sure. He just needs to mature a little to be able to breast feed completely. Other than that things have been about the same today for our little guy. I on the other hand hit the wall and every other emotion all at once today, I go home tomorrow and will have to leave him here which is going to be tough. I have been very blessed with a group of very understanding doctors and nurses who know us and know that I am not completely insane just having a hard time with old memories and feelings. We do know that he is great hands though and will be home before we know it. Let me just say on another note, I have completely fallen in love with this little boy is so stinkn' cute and really a great snuggle partner. Saturday is family day in the NICU and new thing since we were here with Zach and so Maddie Grace gets to come in the NICU and spend time with Samuel, she can not wait and is so excited. Keep us in your prayers as we get this little one growing and coming home soon

Samuel James arrives early anyway!

2010-05-12T17:46:00.006-04:00

Some of you may have heard by now that Samuel decided to join us on Monday. Although he is 5 weeks early, which praise the lord is a huge jump from how early Zach was. He was on oxygen, cpap for a little while and then on a cannula for a short time, he has been without any thing since Tuesday which is a blessing in its self. He was born at a pretty good size 5lbs 5oz, he has lost some since Monday and is down to 4lbs 14oz now, which is very common with all babies not just preemies. We thought at first that we would all be going home on Friday but it appears that our sweet boy will need a little more time in the NICU before he can join us. We have to get him eating and maintaining his body temp. Right now he is having to work so hard to do everything it just wears him out. That being said, we know that we are miles from where we were with Zach, it still brings out emotions that are tough to feel. We know God is in control but would love just to bring him home and get past all of this. I will update as things change. Keep us in your prayers, we are just really ready to be a family at home which we know will happen . He is precious though, and has a head a blonde crazy hair.

Two years seems like yesterday

2010-04-19T14:52:00.008-04:00

During our 6 month journey in the NICU we never thought things would end the way they did 2 years ago today. I remember like it was yesterday the days and nights thinking that we would never be able to bring our little boy home as if time was somehow slowed and we were stuck, and then as if someone hit fast forward you were gone. We never thought this is how things would end or how your life would have begun as well. Your small 1lb 6oz body 17 weeks to early, so fragile but such a fighter that taught us all so much. I have watched since your death families go through their NICU experience most if not all 2 to 3 times your size and not even close to being as critical, it makes me wonder why they were given a better shot than you. And then someone comes along to remind me just how spectacular you really were and what a gift and miracle you were to us and so many. For the past few weeks I have been following a little boy, and I can promise you Zach the two of you would have been 2 peas in a pod, he was a fighter from day one and has amazed everyone with just how far he could go. Hogan was born was trisomy 18 and was not expected to live more than a few hours but he fought for 16 days, and passed away yesterday, Hogan was at St.Mary's just like you. I know that you fought just as hard in you 6 months but your poor little body just could not keep up. We were so lucky to have had you and although the pain is almost more than we can stand at times, we would not change any of it, if that meant never knowing you. I have been asked alot lately if we were excited about having a little boy, mostly by people who don't know you. And of course we are excited to have your little brother but for us we are adding to our family we are adding another son, you will always be our first son, we will always have 3 children. That is something your dad and I are very proud of, Maddie Grace will always have 2 brothers. It has been a challenge for me to feel at ease and ok with the excitement that comes with a new baby, I have thoughts that I will be upsetting you, that you will think that we are forgetting about you, which will never happen or that we are somehow replacing you or filling something which we know can not happen since you were one of a kind for sure. In about 4 weeks your little brother Samuel will join us and I know that you will be there watching over us, you will be on our hearts as well. Time has not healed wounds or made things easier, we still miss you as if you just left us, we are still trying to find answers in our own way although we know some we will never get in this life. Maddie Grace misses you so much she still says her special prayer for you each night, she still asks God to make you better and if she can see you just once. I do not have the heart to tell her that you are gone although she knows you are in heaven, time doesn't mean all that much to a 6 year old. She has kept us going though, along with a support system that is more than most could dream of. Zach we love you so much and miss you everyday, it will not matter how many years have passed that feeling will never change but we also know that one day we will see you again, you will be whole and completely free from tubes and lines like you are now. What an amazing experience that must be. You have seen and heard things that we can not even imagine but we will share with you someday. We love you sweet boy and miss you each day.
Mom, Dad and Maddie Grace

Easter Bunny came to town

2010-04-07T09:36:00.002-04:00

Things have been somewhat calm around here for the past few weeks, knock on wood. Maddie Grace had a great Easter as did we, my mom and dad did make the long drive up so we could have family for the weekend which was great, I really was not excited about spending the holiday without seeing anyone. We had already done one egg hunt in Watkinsville and then had the chance to have another we friends on Saturday afternoon. It was a huge hit with the kids they were all very excited and full of candy by the end of the afternoon.

Samuel is still holding in place and doing well, I went to the Dr yesterday and he is still on track although he is still breach and at this point chances of him turning are very low, we were planning a C-section at 36-37 weeks anyway after the amnio. I have been having a bit of pain and after the appointment yesterday we are pretty sure it is due to the fact that he is standing on the cerclage, little one causing problems already. As long as things continue we will have a healthy baby boy in about 6 weeks, wow!! I can not believe how quickly time has flown by and although this pregnancy has not been without its problems he is still safe inside which is a huge blessing. Maddie Grace is literally counting down the days until he is here, I am not sure we will be able to keep her little hands clear of him long enough for him to rest, she is going to be great. Baseball season has kept us all busy, but Kyle especially and his team, (Clarke Central) is having a great year so far, we are hoping that we might see the playoffs this year, 9 games to go though so lots of baseball to play. Thank you all for your continued prayers for us, as you all know this time of year brings a mix of emotions and I will devote a post just to our sweet Zach on the 2 year anniversary. Oh and excuse my hair is was very windy at the the hunt.

Spring break is over

2010-03-14T21:30:00.003-04:00

Kyle had spring break all last week, and believe it or not he only had one baseball game which is unheard of. So we decided this weekend we would head down to mom and dads lake house to try and relax a little. We did go and see Zach, emotions ran high for all 3 of us. I stupidly hid my belly behind my coat as if he would not be able to see it and doesn't already know about his new little brother. I have lots of guilt which I know is self inflicted by all means but one of those things that is tough is get out of your mind. So needless to say it made for a rough weekend. We had a something happen last week with a person who posted a comment on the Georgia high school sports vent, although we are very use to comments during baseball season most of the time those comments are left to baseball and hurtful personal comments about us or our family are not said, at least out loud, or typed for everyone to read. Kyle was not going to tell me but I could tell that something was bothering him and finally made him tell me, without going into details the comments were about our family, Zach included. It was way over the line. We are trying to let it go and move forward. You know as parents we all want what is best for our children but we all can sometimes put on blinders and not see the real picture. So since we only have 8-9 weeks until Samuel will join us I am trying to keep a clear head and not let it upset me. With the anniversary of Zachs death just around the corner things are hard enough anyway, by birthday was the day he came home from the hospital and 7 days later we let me go. So birthdays are not my thing needless to say. We will make it another year though, not that it will be any easier but different with our second son adding his mark on our family.

The sweetest face

2010-03-03T18:11:00.003-05:00

It has been an uphill battle since I got out to the hospital. I still am not able to eat much. It just doesn't seem to agree with me all that well, causing nausea. But eating something is better than not at all and as long as he is growing properly I am not as concerned. I had an appointment with the perinatologist, Dr. Rosemond as usual this week and the ultrasound tech wanted to see if she could get him to be still long enough to get some 3D pictures, and WOW!!! what a shot to see that precious face before he even arrives is such a blessing. He is growing really well and is approx. 2lbs, which makes him larger than Zach was when he was born, that is still small but huge in comparison. Dr.Rosemond and my ob have decided due to my lack of carrying to term, Zach at 23.5 weeks and Maddie Grace at 36 weeks, that we should go ahead and plan an amnio for 36 to 37 weeks and if all turns out well and his lungs are mature then go ahead and remove my cerclage and have the C-section that day. I do understand the point and I am ok with it, since I DO NOT want to go into labor with the cerclage in, but I also am not to crazy about what goes into an amnio the whole sticking a needle into your stomach scares me to death but Dr. Rosemond assured me that there is nothing to be afraid of, to be honest i am more afraid of it hurting than anything. Yeah silly I know. So that gives us about 10 more weeks to wait for Samuel, and we all wish the days would go by in a blink. Baseball season is in full swing and with Kyle gone so much we have really been blessed with people from our Sunday school class bringing us dinner, I really do not know what I would have done without them.

Back to the hosptial, it never ends.

2010-02-26T14:34:00.002-05:00

This has been a week to say the least. Monday I was not feeling great but not horrible either, by Monday night things went in a really BAD direction. I got very sick very fast and by the time I got to the hospital I was severely dehydrated, to the point they could not get an IV started, I am usually very easy, veins stick out. The doctors were concerned at first about me going into labor I only had a few contractions though which eased their concern after I started getting fluids and I am slowly but surly starting to eat again, very little at the time but I am doing much better with fluids. I finally was let go yesterday (Thursday) and I am so glad to be home. Although, I am still feeling pretty rough, it is always better at home.
Maddie Grace had a really hard time with me being in the hospital, bless her heart she really has been through it all and by the time Kyle picked her up from school yesterday before they could get back to the hospital to get me she was asleep in the car, she was emotionally and physically exhausted. And without my mom coming all the way up here to help and a few of our friends we would really be lost. And since it is baseball season, my poor husband is being pulled in more directions than anyone could stand. And let me just say how lucky I know that I am to have him. Being a coaches wife is not always easy, but he really does the best he can to make sure that Maddie Grace and I are first.
So, I think at this point we all wish we could blink our eyes and May would be here. The constant worry and hospital visits are beginning to wear on us all and although we are all very excited about Samuel joining our family the emotions for all of us are hard to swallow and we know even after our precious boy is here emotions will still run high. We laughed at the hospital the other night, when Kyle and I were talking, God really has faith in us that we obviously do not completely understand. Our lives have not been easy over the past 3 years, but blessed none the less and with the anniversary of Zach's death just around the corner, the anticipation is a bit much. Please keep us in your prayers as you all have been so wonderful to do, as we also pray for a pregnancy that for the next few weeks is a complete bore

Safe and Holding, for now.

2010-02-15T18:28:00.002-05:00

I had the surgery to stop the problems with my cervix, and the doctor was very pleased, a beautiful stitch as he put it although I didn't see it, the beautiful part that is. I have had a few issues since then but nothing too serious, I am doing alot of work and sitting in the chair, work meaning, my job from the den in a chair, which is a blessing. My issue is my cervix was funneling meaning it was opening from the inside, allowing the amniotic sac to funnel down into the cervix, not good and very dangerous, increasing the risk of the my water breaking early. When I went in this past Friday although it is still open with the cerclage it will prevent it from opening more and hopefully allowing me to carry Samuel to more healthy point in the pregnancy. This is the week Zach was born during my pregnancy with him and anxiety, seems to get the better of me this week as each day passes although I feel so much better so much more cared for and being watched so closely does ease my mind some. We did keep everything about my surgery from Maddie Grace to be honest I do not believe that she can handle anything else, as far as she knows mommy had tests and had to stay over night , you could tell she was very uncomfortable and look up when we walked out to the huge windows above the labor and delivery to see the NICU, yeah I know probably the worst layout for a NICU possible, just what you want to see when you have a sick baby is all of the healthy babies below.
We had a nice snow fall on Friday night and Saturday Maddie Grace loved playing in it for hours on end, and she was lucky enough to be entertained by a few of Kyles baseball players, she was having a blast that is until I looked out the window and saw one of them with her in the air in front of them using her as a human shield, they knew that hitting her with snowball, was a no no especially with Coach by them so when they wanted a break they used her. And of course she loved every minute. I did find out today that I do have an infection that they caught very early so I am on round 2 of antibiotics, to protect both of us. We have been so blessed already with my mom and sister coming up to help when I had surgery, cooking, taking care of MG and just supporting us and Kyle, who needs it as much if not more than me. Then our friends, who have brought us food, checked in on us and make sure daily that I am following my bedrest rules, (some more than others HA!!) Baseball season has started and is very hard on Kyle to leave us but I know it is somewhat of a relief to know that we have people surrounding us at the drop of a hat. Samuel James Kirk will be here before we know it and we are so excited and feel so blessed and pray that he will stay safe inside for a few more months.

What a day!!!

2010-02-04T21:49:00.002-05:00

Today has been, well a day. I had my usual weekly appointment with the perinatologist, I went in thinking everything was great and there were no problems, after 2hrs of the doctor looking and checking everything, things were not great. Samuel is good however he is growing, kicking and doing all of things that a baby this far along should be doing. I am not doing great though apparently, my cervix has now decided that it has a mind of its own and apparently is not holding our precious Samuel in place as it should. So after meeting with the doctor he recommended that I have a cerclage, and honestly at this point I would do anything including standing on my head to make sure this baby stay right where he should be until it is a safe time for him to join us. So tomorrow I will go in for surgery and if everything goes well I should be able to go home on Saturday. My surgery is a little different being that I am a good bit further along than most patients when they have this done. But we know that God is in control and that he will protect baby Samuel and hopefully keep me from going completely insane in the process. As if that was not enough for today after spending all morning and afternoon at the hospital I got home to make sure I was here for Maddie Grace after school. The afternoon was fine, homework, snack, etc.. Until she came out from mine and Kyle's bathroom with her children's scissors in hand, saying look mom I wanted bangs. I think every bit of color must have left my face and I felt sick, not only had she cut herself, SHORT bang, she had cut hunks out of other parts of her hair. What makes child do this is beyond me. But after an emergency run to the salon Maddie Grace is the proud owner of a bob with bangs, and although it will take some getting use to is actually pretty cute, I could have dealt with the short bob a lot better with out the bangs and without all the emotion of the day. But as my sweet husband says, honey it is just another memory to look back on.
We had enjoyed a great month of January before all of this, we had a girls weekend in Atlanta, me, my mom, sister, nieces and Maddie Grace we went to see "Annie" at the Fox which was great and then enjoyed a trip out to the American Girl store, it was lots of fun. And of course baseball started this week as well adding to all of the mess. Please keep us in your prayers, and as soon as possible I will post pictures of our sweet Maddie Grace and her new do.

A new year, a new day

2010-01-07T19:32:00.002-05:00

Yes we are still here and I promise I have not forgotten about our blog. With Christmas and my new restrictions, I have had to learn when to do things and how to better manage my time. I find that I can work a lot since I am sitting in a chair but have a hard time getting my mommy duties done, without the help of Kyle I know I would be stuck.
Christmas was wonderful, Maddie Grace had a great time and it was such a blessing to see her enjoy all that Santa brought. We headed to papa and dede’s that afternoon but had to come back on Sunday afternoon since I have to be at the doctor every Monday morning, more about that later. We all enjoyed spending time together I must say it was one of the best Christmas’ that we have had in the past few years. I did go and see Zach and take some time to talk to him, although going to cemetery was almost more than either of us could take. The pain of not having him with us is almost unbearable. The guilt is playing havoc in my head with having a new baby and somehow I thought going to his grave let him know, yes this is crazy I know he already knew he is having a little brother, but it is for sure a tough mental hurdle for me to jump. New Years was sedate and quiet, we went to spend some time with friends and then headed back home I was a little surprised that we made it up to see the ball drop, but we did in hopes that we will see 2010 be a better year for our family. Maddie Grace did have some major changes during Christmas; she had already lost 2 teeth right before we got out for the holidays and then between New Years Eve and Monday she lost 2 more this times her top 2. She officially has no teeth in front and looks precious; we get a good kick out of listening to her talk. Kyle is doing well although baseball is about to start and we are praying that there are not any more changes to my bed rest status, being married to a coach, time is not always easy to come by during the season, although he has made it very clear that family comes first and he will do what is needed, not that I ever doubted he would, I am very lucky to have him.
As for Samuel, yes that is going to be his name, we cannot figure out a middle name, he is growing and doing very well. He has put some stress and strain on my body and I am having some cervical issues which are why I am on modified bed rest. And I am still losing weight which is totally fine by me, I have plenty of extra meat on my bones but the doctors are not as happy and have now made me drink protein shakes, since I have figured out that one of my triggers for nausea is meat, sounds crazy I know but pregnancy does crazy things to your body. I have to go to the perinatologist every Monday for him to make sure there have been no changes and that he is ok. Samuel has looked great every time, and I will take whatever as long as he is doing well. Almost half way done I cannot believe it, we are almost at the point in my pregnancy when I had Zach, makes me realize what a miracle it was that we had him for the 6 months that we did, I couldn’t imagine not having that time. I know that he has made our family what is now, all of our family. At night I think and pray about when Samuel is born, I honestly have so many fears about how I will react how I will handle those emotions of holding a new baby, a baby boy. Please keep us in your prayers, pray for Samuel that is grows and stays healthy. And yes for those of you that know that story of Hannah and Samuel from the Bible that is why we picked his name, we thought it was fitting.

2009-12-07T21:41:00.002-05:00

This baby is kicking my behind. I have been so so sick and nothing seems to help meds, eating, not eating, certain candy, sea bands, you name it I have tried it. Everyone says remember it is a good thing but it sure doesn't feel good. I really can not stand throwing up.
We have had a long few weeks with lots going on, Maddie Grace lost her first tooth which she could not have been more excited about, she was the last in her class to lose one and it was driving her crazy. Although she doesn’t realize that she is almost a full year younger than most of the kids in her class because of the date her birthday falls. Apparently the cost of the tooth fairy has gone up in years past due to inflation and she got $10, she spent it when we went to papa and dedes for Thanksgiving. She is doing great and can not be anymore excited about the baby. She still has lots of questions and you can tell is a little scared herself just like we are but we are trying to be reassuring to her as much as we can.
We had a great Thanksgiving with the family , although it seemed to be a little tougher this year missing Zach I think my pregnancy hormones have a lot to do with that, not that I don’t miss him anyway but the hormones make it harder to deal with the emotions.
I have started to show and have a bump, we went last week for an ultrasound with the perinatologist (high risk pregnancy doctor) and the baby looked great he is growing well and seemed to be quite feisty already. And yes I said him, the dr said although he would not say 100% he was about 90% sure it is a boy. And although that is wonderful news it brings in a whole new set of emotions that we have to deal with, fears, guilt etc.. We really just want a healthy baby, you hear people say this all the time but we really mean it , like more could not even imagine or want to imagine. A healthy baby is our goal. My doctors goal is a minimum of 34 weeks, which puts the baby in a much better position than Zach was being on 23.5 weeks. I think also actually seeing him and knowing he is there makes it that much more real, as Dr. R would push in to try and get him to rollover for measurement, he would swat at the intruding thing from my belly and then promptly go back to sucking his hand.
We have so much going on with the holiday season here and makes me so very grateful for the gifts that God has given us, and there are so many this year who are struggling so much. We all need to remember that this is a season of giving and if you have the opportunity to give to another family and are able to do so please do, we adopted a child from Maddie Graces school and I think she has enjoyed finding them gifts as much as she has looking for things she would like from Santa. Keep us in your prayers and this growing baby boy, God will teach is something with this too we know.

Blessings and Heartache

2009-11-10T22:22:00.001-05:00

The last few weeks have been tough and that is putting it mild. With Zach’s birthday days seemed a little longer. On Halloween morning Maddie Grace woke us up singing happy birthday to her brother. It was so sweet, a tear jerker too. We did enjoy family time together and even got in a little trick or treating, in the rain and mess. She was Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, and was just precious I found a lady on Etsy to make her costume and it was cute as a button.
As the day wore on Kyle and I new that the time had come to break the news to Maddie Grace. After more than a year of infertility treatments, 100’s of shots, blood draws and ultrasounds, God has blessed us with a baby. When we told Maddie Grace she was so excited all she could do was say “momma I am so proud of you”. If she only knew just how proud we are of her for all she has been through over the past 2 years and what a wonderful little girl she is growing into.
So yes we have been blessed with what we have prayed so hard for, we have known for a while but wanted to keep things under wraps until we were further along, things have gone very smooth so far, minus the continual sickness that zofran has no effect on so I am now on phenergan, which has seemed to help some. The baby is growing and looks great, I am being watched so close I will have more ultrasound pictures of this child than anyone has ever seen. We will be due at the end of May if all goes as planned.
As excited as we are about our new baby it brings up a host of emotions and feelings that we are dealing with one day at a time. Fears of something happening and fears that somehow our sweet Zach thinks we are trying to replace him. We had many long talks about this and we both know that no child will ever replace Zach that they will only add another member to our family. So I will be a mom of 3. Something I always wanted. Two nights ago while coloring Maddie Grace asked, “if this baby lives can I help change diapers? We do not know what the future holds or if something will or will not happen, but I quickly responded that this baby was in Gods hands and he would protect him and not to worry about what happened with Zach. She feels the stress and pressure just like we do. It took Kyle quite a few days to really take it in but as my waist line has started to expand I told him there was no getting around it anymore. I have been so sick I have lost weight although you would not know that from my belly. Please keep us in your prayers as we make this amazing journey God has presented us with, “we prayed for this child and god granted our prayers” Pray for a very healthy pregnancy and for the things we will have to face in the next months, Zach’s room, birth and all the emotions involved and getting past the point we had Zach. We know our new doctors are watching me very close along with a perinatologist. Praying for a healthy baby no matter what.

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!

2009-10-28T19:03:00.004-04:00

I can not believe it is already the end ofOctober. I apologize for not updating sooner but I have been without a computer for the last week or so due to a deadcharger, gotta love computers. This month has been a good one I try to keep myself as busy as possible to due this month’s significance. Kyle and I made a weekend trip to Nashville with friends and had a blast, the food was great and I have to say that watching my husband ride a mechanical bull was the highlight of my weekend. I always knew I had a cowboy somewhere in there. Mom and Dad were gracious enough to keep Maddie Grace for us and she even went down to Tallahassee to stay with my sister and her family and had a great time. We had a few teary phone calls but all in all she was great, I think I had a harder time than she did although she was very ready to see me on Sunday and could not wait to see her daddy. On Tuesday we went to a luncheon for my dad, he is the Georgia Farmer of the Year. They announced that day who won the national at the Expo, and although dad didn’t win, even though anyone that knows him and how much he has done for agriculture knows that he should have won and needs no award to prove that although I am sure it would have been great. We did get to take Maddie Grace to the pumpkin patch this past weekend it was packed and cold, but she loves it every year, the hayride, cow ride (don’t ask), pig races ( yes you are reading correctly) and of course the petting zoo and patch.

She was very concerned that all of the pumpkins would be gone. Funny story that night I was not feeling well and Kyle grilled steak and corn to go along with a few other things I had for supper. Maddie Grace had eaten a few bites and about 10 bites in she started crying and ran over to me. I was very confused thought maybe she had bitten her tongue but she had actually bitten down and made her front tooth pretty loose. I guess the movement and the fact that she has not lost a tooth so she did know what that feeling was freaked her out. We tried to clam her by telling her how great it was and that when she lost it the tooth fairy would bring her money for her tooth under her pillow, well that made it worse and she made it clear that she didn’t want any fairy under her pillow and could she just put it on the bedside table. Kyle and I got a good laugh out of that, she has since really enjoyed having her first loose tooth and grosses me out by pushing it back and forth, yuck!!! I do not have much to report as far as fertility goes but hope to have good news this month.

As most of you already know our sweet Zach’s birthday is Saturday, Halloween, he would have been 2 this year; which means it has been a year and a half since he has been gone. We miss him so much and no matter how much time has passed that pain remains unchanged. It is hard to imagine what he would be like at 2 when he died so young and so small. I am trying to remember the sweet little boy we had for that short period of time. When all you have are a few videos, pictures and short memories you can become afraid that you will forget his little smile or his smell. We thought at 2 we would be chasing a little boy who had his sister’s dolls and keeping him in his toddler bed, but we don’t get to do that. Things that as mom’s we do not always like, but we would take every tough moment every time out for us or him just to have him here. So to my sweet Zach we love you and although we know that you have seen things in heaven that we can not imagine and you are whole and you are happy, we know that you are home which makes us homesick for you. You are our angel that we think about every hour and that will not ever change. We have and continue to learn so much from you and cant wait to hold you again one day. We love you.

Waiting for Fall

2009-10-03T12:09:00.004-04:00

I am not sure where you are but we have started to see glimpses of fall for the last week or so, and boy do I want cooler weather. Although I love the pool and summer fun there is nothing better than a cold day and a sweater. And of course a Georgia Football game to go along with it. The last few weeks have been busy physically and emotionally draining. With the constant driving to Augusta at the crack of dawn, it tends to take a lot out of you. My RE raised my meds for this cycle by 2 ½ times and by the end we still had not really seen the response that she wanted, although it was a little better than the first unsuccessful cycle it was no really where she wanted things to be. So once again we are waiting, you would think that as much as I have been waiting lately I would have become much better at it but sadly that is a no. I am trying though, when you are a control type of person like me, it all makes this a huge test in faith, like we didn’t already know that. Maddie Grace is doing very well in school and loves all the new things she is learning in 1^st grade, she is reading so well and is so excited to read to you or anyone else who will listen. I am so glad that she loves it I really want her to enjoy reading like Kyle and I do. There is nothing like being engrossed in a good book. She has still had a few things that have come up which impress upon us how much we still need to boost her confidence, we had a friend over to play the other day, and I heard them in the backseat talking about how she had a little sister, when she then looked at Maddie Grace and said “you do not have a sister like me” and of course Maddie Grace responded and said no I have a brother, as my skin began to tighten I new what was next and without a missed step it came out of her mouth like water out of the sink, “but your brother is dead” and whack just that fast and hard but without skipping a beat herself, Maddie Grace looked at her and said but he is alive in heaven and will always be in our hearts. Well that was it, the tears began to flow like rain, I was so proud of her, we know that some things have started to sink in. And as the days draw closer to Zach’s birthday she remembers everything like it was yesterday just as we do. She even remembers the kids stealing the candy bowl off of our porch that night after we had left for the hospital. When they say kids are like sponges that is an understatement and it doesn’t mean just the good things either. When we went to Augusta last week we had to take her with us and you could tell as soon as she saw the hospital she was very uncomfortable.My compassionate friends group added a new online video to explain about compassionate friends and about losing a child, it is a wonderful video and really gives those who have not lost a child a small window into our world. I have added it here and if you are interested take a look at it.We had supper club in September as well and it was yummy!!! Todd and Julie thanks so much for hosting. It was so much fun to stuff our bellies and let the kids go (they were invited this month) and enjoy adult conversation, it was a lot of fun. We do it every other month with a new host each time. November is our month to host and those that know me know how much I love to cook, so I am getting ready trying new recipes, because everyone knows you NEVER try a new recipe on the night of a party. I am very excited. Anyone with any great recipes, please send them to me I love trying something different.Please keep us in your prayers as you all have been so kind to do as Zach’s birthday approaches and as we continue to travel this road of infertility. Although we are more than aware that we are not the only person to be at this place right now, sometimes if feels like it. There are millions of families facing infertility and sadly there millions facing the loss of a child, but we know that God will lead us through this too, he never promised it would be easy and only promised he would be there when it is tough. Many times as Christians we, and when I say we I mean me too, expect that because we are Christians things should be easier that we should not face the challenges that others do. We find our selves believing the lies that if we had more faith or prayed harder that the outcome would have been different or believe that God is punishing us by taking someone away. Although these experiences will be used to teach us and others, they are for a greater purpose, like those that have been touched by Zach. Although God embraces our anger at these time and somehow returns it with love.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God,the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary;his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,and strengthens the powerless.Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall exhausted;but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary,they shall walk and not faint.Isaiah 40:28-31

Rain or sun life goes on

2009-09-10T11:19:00.006-04:00

Have you ever had a sick feeling in your stomach that eventually caused you pain. It caused you physical pain even though the sick feeling was only that a feeling, not from an actual illness. That is pain that I have had for the last 16months. Some days I seem to be able to cope and move on better than others although I know that I will have this feeling for the rest of my life but the past few weeks have been worse than most, feeling emotionally drained and exhausted, crying at the doctors office and breaking in medical students, that was a hilarious I must say.
We did all of the shots and as much as we wanted it to work it didn’t so we are on to cycle 2 more shots at a higher dosage. It is hard to “keep your head up” so to speak over and over again. But we know that it will happen in Gods time not ours. But being patient and listening is not one of my strong suits, just another lesson to learn. When I went to the doctor today she asked me if I would mind explaining my history to the 3 medical students in the room, this was after having them all in the room for the exam, by then all sense of modesty was gone so I moved ahead and told them my “history”. When the tears started to fall the kids as I refer to them looked as if they wanted to crawl under the table. Although my doctor has a point to all of it apparently she wanted them to see how it is when things do not go as planned, reality. Poor kids I think all they got was a crazy woman crying but a learning experience none the less. We were blessed when Zach was in the NICU to have basically 3 doctors that we knew we could depend on, one here Dr Morales and then 2 in Augusta Bhatia and Buckler. Although we know that most are not as lucky and neonatologists are trained to help the babies they really are not the best at dealing with mom and dad. I hope one day that I will have the chance to help the doctors learn to help the families.
I had a friend at bible study the other night mention during the course of our discussion that she cant wait to see one day in heaven all of the lives that Zach has touched and continues to touch. In that same line I too want to see who else he has touched but I also know of hundreds of people who touched us along with Zach with their prayers and simple gestures that still continue today. We miss him so much and over the course of the last few months I have for some reason convinced myself that it was not ok for me to cry or get upset, and holding things in until an “appropriate” time makes things much harder. But I am not doing that anymore after today, it hurts too much and frankly I think it does more harm than good. So if you see me crying sorry, I will do my best to try and keep it to a minimum. Things always seem to be a little worse this time of year, with his birthday just around the corner, I can’t believe he would be 2, I see pictures of our precious NICU friends that are just now beginning to walk and are making great strides it makes me smile to think that Zach might be doing that to. Maddie Grace is always quick to remind me if I get upset in front of her that Zachy is a big boy in heaven running around, although she is currently concerned about what he is wearing in heaven, to which I have no good answer so of this we are just having to come up with as we go along.
Maddie Grace is still doing really well in school and loves going. She has continued to ride the bus much to my dismay, but she really loves it and I do not have the heart to take it from her although the first dirty word she comes home with will be her last bus ride. She is still practicing soccer and doing well but I think we are starting to realize Maddie Grace is just too timid for soccer and we may need to move to something else, she does love it though. Her teacher told me this week that Maddie Grace told her that her mom had to go to the dr. to get shots. When she asked what the shots were for she said they were giving mom a baby, I thought this was hilarious I can see that we will have to have a serious conversation about where babies come from, when she is MUCH older. So things are not going as we planned but they never do in life, just have to keep rolling with the punches. At least we will have a distraction this weekend when the bulldogs play, GO DAWGS!!!! Keep us in your prayers as we continue this journey in hopes that we may at some point see a light at the end of the tunnel.
We did have some fun things over the past few weeks, since Maddie Grace is playing soccer again we went to a UGA soccer game to show her how big girls play soccer, which was a blast with friends. We also had my friend Mary's surprise birthday party at Shokitini in Athens, which was so much fun and a wonderful distraction with friends, Kyle and Jacks performance was the highlight of the evening or low light maybe depends on how you see it. Shokitini is a restaurant that is downtown Athens, a sushi bar that has rooms upstairs for about 20 people each and have a huge karaoke screen with 100's of songs to choose from, lots of fun. We also made it to a concert on the lawn at Ashford Manor on Monday, it is always lots of fun you take a picnic and tons of familys sit around eat, talk and listen to great music, this week was a swing/beach music oldies band, it was great.
So not everything has been bad, there are good days too they just seemed harder to find this week.

Shots, Shots and more Shots.

2009-08-23T20:59:00.003-04:00

Since my last post we have had so much happen, in our busy little world. Maddie Grace as you know started 1st grade and it loving every moment of it. The first few days she was a little, and mean very little, clingy. By the end of the 2nd week she was great and has now moved on to not wanting mom around at all, heart breaking. She decided this week she was wanted to ride the bus to school. Although I was very unsure about letting my 6 year old on the bus, Kyle encouraged me to let her go, seeing how we want her to be independent and confident. So I did and she loved it, she loved it so much that she wanted to ride the bus home in the afternoon, after a few tears and begging I agreed. The good thing about Oconee County is the schools are staggered so there are only elementary students on the bus, which did ease my fears a little. She has been riding it ever since and loves it although I am sure this will be short lived when she hits, the I am to cool for the bus stage, so I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts. She also started soccer again this week, and loves it we know that team sports are always great for kids and she has been playing since she was 4 this is her 3rd season we cant wait she is now in the 8 and under group it should be lot of fun to watch and be a nice soccer mom.
Kyle had a birthday I will not say how old he is, but it was a great weekend. Mom and Dad let us go to the lake house with a few of our friends, it was a nice relaxing weekend, Mom and Dad even joined us along with Maddie Grace and my niece Rae, they enjoyed each other and swimming it was really hot and the water was a great way to cool off. Maddie Grace and I are so blessed to have a great husband and father like Kyle although he doesn’t always get the credit he deserves, hey he has been with me since my sophomore year in college so credit is totally due, and that is 13 years for those who don’t know us as well. We have been married 8 years.
Our infertility journey has been a busy one the past few weeks. The Saturday we went to the lake (Aug 8th), I started taking my new injections. At first the shots didn’t seem to be working and my RE was trying to adjust the dosage to get a response, so 32 shots, 7 trips to Augusta, and 16 days later I am still taking shots and have finally started to have a response to the medicine. Which is great, I head back to the doctor in the morning to see how much has changed if any. I will not really go into details but for those that are interested I am sure you can google ovulation induction and get lots of info. And much to my surprise the side effects from this medication have not been as bad as the other medications I have taken in the past. Please continue to pray that the doctors will see what they need so we may be blessed with another child.
The week after I went to the lake I had to go to Tifton for work, this was a huge challenge for me. I currently have and have had since Zach passed away, a problem going anywhere without Kyle and Maddie Grace. Yes I am very aware how irrational this is and I am working through it but it will have to be on my own time. I was actually ok, although my anxiety leading up to my trip was pure hell. Losing your child does crazy things to you and makes you think WAY too much. A few nights ago Kyle and I watched a DVD by Louie Gigolo that I have had for awhile and kept putting off. Those who have not heard of him, just google him . He has a new set of 4 DVDs out before I came back from Augusta one morning I stopped at Lifeway, and got “Hope: When Life hurts most”. For this first time since Zach’s death I heard something that I really felt. It was not a message full of platitudes and one liners, it really just laid it out there. I highly recommend this to anyone. The other 3 DVDs are great also and you can see bits of them all on you tube. He is not your typical suit and tie pastor, he was at North Point Church in Atlanta for a long time and is now starting a new church in Atlanta, Passion City Church, he is very easy to listen to and down to earth. He does alot with college age students though his passion conferences too.
One more thing the little baby Ellen that I have asked you guys to pray for is at home in Moultrie and doing well. They are all continuing to adjust to their new lives at home, please continue to keep them on your prayer lists that her body will continue to accept this precious gift she was given.
Keep us in your prayers as I drive back and forth to Augusta, praying for god to bless us with a child. Maddie Grace said tonight that is sure is taking God a long time to give us a baby and it would have been a lot easier if we could have just kept Zach. Her words couldn’t have been truer, but what a blessing he has been to so many in spite of it all.

The road never seems to be easy

2009-08-05T21:55:00.003-04:00

As I told you all a few weeks ago, Kyle and I had decided to move ahead with the fertility treatments, so after we got back from the beach we had to head to Augusta, to have blood work and an ultrasound, we went to Augusta thinking that we were going to start our new cycle and maybe finally have the child that we so desperately want, but it appeared that God had other plans. As they did the ultrasound the doctor found a growth on one of my ovaries, which due to my condition is not unusual, so everything had to be put on hold to make sure it goes away, due to the risks of the injections the ultrasound had to be clear. So we have to wait another four weeks to see if things have changed and we can move forward. In the meantime, called the mail order pharmacy to go ahead and have all my medications lined up so they would be here when the time is right, but once again things are not going as planned. A few months ago in preparation for the possibility of this treatment I called our insurance company to verify that they would in fact cover the medication she said yes as long as my doctor called and had it pre-approved. Being that it is super, super expensive, and when I say expensive I don’t mean just hundreds of dollars, well above that I was very relieved. Then I get a call from the pharmacy telling me that insurance has denied my claim and will not pay for the medications. So being that I am very familiar with insurance companies I called to see what the deal was. I was told at that point, which they, the insurance company had decided that the medication was not necessary and therefore denied the claim, was denied. Amazing I guess since they have no idea what is going on and oh yeah they are not doctors or nurses, but I guess this is what we have to look forward to with universal healthcare, someone else making the decision for us. We are still going forward; we will figure everything out as it comes along.
A few nights ago I was looking at some things of Zach’s pictures, videos, etc.. I clicked on one of the videos he was laying in Kyle’s lap, just looking around, and started crying, cooing, like babies do. Before I knew it I was crying but I realized I also loved knowing that I had that video and the pictures and the moments with him, that is better than nothing at all. I had pulled things out because a workout club The Omni is planning a softball tournament in memory of Zach with proceeds going to Zach Nation which we will give to the March of Dimes, I hope to have more info soon for anyone interested, we are so excited about the opportunity.
So to add to the anxiety that I am already having which comes and goes, Maddie Grace started first grade today, WOW! My little girl in first grade, I had a lot of hesitation this morning when we started getting ready but she much to my surprise made me feel better. Kyle and I walked her in and she went straight to her desk, unpacked and was ready for the day, no tears were shed I really don’t think she wanted us to stay as long as we did, she was fine and was going to have a great day. When I picked her up this afternoon, she sweetly told me, “now mama tomorrow I can get out at car riders you don’t need to walk me in”, heart breaking but happy at the same time, it means we are doing our job as parents at least we are trying I should say.
One last thing I wanted to mention was baby Ellen that I have been getting all of you to pray for, she has made HUGE improvements and is in the Ronald McDonald Transplant recovery house now, with the possibility of going home very soon, what a blessing for them please continue to keep the entire family in your prayers, her recovery is nothing short of a miracle. The other night when we found out how great she was doing Kyle and I both were very excited for John and Dorothy I know that they are so grateful. At the same time there is always that bit of jealousy and wonder. Jealous that we didn’t get our miracle our happy ending, and wonder what we did or didn’t do that made our circumstances different. Pray for us as we hope that things may if God is willing, change and maybe just maybe we can catch a break too.

Decision Finally Made

2009-07-21T22:27:00.002-04:00

**Update-Just wanted to let you all know that ZachNation rasied the most money of any family team in our walk again this year. Thanks to all of you who helped and donated, his name and heart lives in us.**
After a great week at the beach we had to get back to reality. Kyle, Maddie Grace and I look forward every year to our vacation on Amelia Island and this year was great, to slow down for a few days and spend some quality time together was wonderful. Maddie Grace played and ran on the beach. This also gave Kyle and I time to talk and make a decision on what we wanted to do for our next step in our infertility journey. We had been wrestling with which was the right path for us and after lots of talking, to each other, friend and family and of course lots of prayer we have decided to move forward with a new but risky medication. I should start taking the new injections within the next week or so, please keep us in your prayers as we try to do what we think is best for us. It has really been heart wrenching although I will not go into details there is so much more involved when you have infertility than wither or not to have a baby. We have to also take into account my issues with carrying a baby to term, the enormous cost and all the risks, which are huge. It is so amazing that after all we have been through over the past year and a half that our faith continues to be tested. I will keep you all updated on our progress with our new treatment but please pray for us that we will have a peace and that maybe this will work. It was heart breaking to see all of the little boys on the beach with their dads. And wonder why even still so many who shouldn’t, have lots of children and then others that would give the world for one can not. I guess I will once again add that to my list of questions to ask once I reach heaven. We also had Maddie Grace’s Birthday Party before we went to the beach she wanted a dress up tea party and all of the girls had a great time, I can not believe how much she has grown and that she will be starting 1st grade in a few weeks. She has been working in her workbook all summer because she said that she had to prepare for all the things she is going to learn in 1st grade. It is so cute, but wow where has the time gone, we showed her on her birthday the video of the day she was born and she could not grasp that the little 5 lb baby was her.
I had asked that everyone pray for Ellen a baby a friend who had a heart transplant 5 weeks ago. She has had some rough patches but is now moving in the right direction, as we learned with Zach improvement can be slow and they are not looking to far ahead but are so thankful that God has placed his loving hands on this precious child. Please continue to keep them all in your prayers; they are in Atlanta but live in Moultrie so travel, being away from home and their other 2 children is tough.
One last thing that I wanted to add, last week it was announced that my dad, has been named, 2009 Georgia Swisher Sweets/Sunbelt Expo Southeastern Farmer of the Year and will compete with winners from nine other states for the overall title, which will be announced Oct. 20 at the Sunbelt Ag Expo farm show in Moultrie. As most of you may know my dad is a farmer, and this is such a great honor for him and long overdue he has done so much for agriculture and has worked so hard for so many years we are so proud that he is finally getting so of the recognition that he so greatly deserves. You can read the article at this link. We love you dad and are so proud of you, we have always known that you were the best.

Pushing Ahead

2009-07-06T12:27:00.005-04:00

Where to begin? Last week was C3 camp for Maddie Grace, I will say I was very apprehensive about sending her to camp, for those who have not heard of C3 it is a week long camp from 7:45 – 5 everyday, the camps are held all over the US by Winshape which is an outreach program of Chick-fil-a, it is a non-denominational Christian camp, if you have a chance you can google it and read all about it. My reservations had everything to do with Maddie Grace being able to handle days that long and, be away from us as well. She did great for the most part, I know that she really enjoyed, although by Friday which is a half day at camp and family day, she was worn out completely. Not only did she have C3 all day she then had swim lessons at night, you didn’t hear much from her once her tiny head hit the pillow at night. We hope that things like this will help build her self confidence.
Kyle and I headed to Augusta to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist), as I had said we really were hoping for good news or at least ideas on what new direction we should take. So after the long drive and 1 hour in the doctor we came out more befuddled than when we went in, and very discouraged. Essentially being told we could repeat what we had been doing but that was about it. But for those that know me well you know that I do not take being told no very well and I am the queen of research.( To the point that when Zach was in the hospital I had a doctor tell me, he was going to take away my computer). I knew what options were out there and what was possible for us. That left Kyle and I with a huge decision to make, we could walk away and give up, try the same medications we had been or demand that we be given the chance to try the other meds and if not then move on to another doctor that will. So after lots a prayer and long conversations we decided to press for the other meds in hopes that this might give us the boost we need to have a baby. Although we are very aware that there are risks, we also know that if we do not try chances are 10 years from now we will have regrets and wonder if we should have and I do not want to have regrets. But after a week of waiting for the doctors reply to our decision we have had not had a reply and my patients has started to run thin.
We did have a few relaxing days at the lake over the 4th with my whole family, we had a great time we enjoyed the new boat even though the lake was VERY choppy because of all of the boats. The lake house is in perfect view of the annual fireworks show that a neighbor puts on every year, it rivaled some of the shows we saw at night at Disney world, I think he spends somewhere between 30 and $50,000 people from all over the lake area to see them well worth seeing if you are ever at Lake Blackshear on the 4th. We had a little family birthday party for Maddie Grace, I can not believe my little girl is tuning 6 on Wednesday, it seems like yesterday I held that tiny 5lb baby in my arms for the first time. Time has gone by to fast and she has had to face so much in the last year and half. We are so lucky to have her though, she is such a wonderful child and honestly I am not sure how we were so blessed to have her. She will have her big birthday on Wednesday, a princess tea party that she is more than excited about. Seeing all of the girls play reminded me that Zach would be 18 months now, I wonder what he would be like, if he would have been a big boy running around on the heels of his sister.
One other quick update the baby that I have asked all of you to pray for, Ellen, is a little more stable but still having some problems with infection, if you didn’t read before Ellen is the little girl of a friend of ours she is only 15 months old and had a heart transplant a few weeks ago and has had a rough time since then. Please keep John and Dorothy in your prayers and of course little Ellen, I will let you know as her condition changes but please pray for her to improve dailyf.

Ready for the next step

2009-06-13T10:43:00.003-04:00

Between work and trying to recover from disney I have been off for the past 2 weeks and on top of that Kyle has been swamped with baseball. I thought that summer was supposed to be slower? I guess I missed that somewhere. Maddie Grace has been doing swim lessons to help her with her strokes, so she can swim properly not just for how ever. And let me just say the change has been great she really has improved alot although she has another week more of it next week along with C3 camp, I am sure by the end of each night she will crash.
During all of this lovely summer weather we have had, Maddie Grace got sick. It started out as a tummy ache and ended with strep. I was slightly confused since we had her tonsils removed almost 3 years ago because she kept getting strep, but apparently although rare it can happen. Leave it to our family to have the rare things happen, I assure you we were not so shocked. In the middle of all of this I had my little surgery and procedure done and I was only out for a couple days. I even had some great food from some of my girl friends. The results came back normal which is great but just opens up a whole other group of questions as to why we are not getting pregnant. So we are off to the RE for another appointment on the 24th with hopes that she will have the new miracle drug that we need, OK I know that is reaching but we are trying to keep a positive attitude. For the time being I think I would like to have pregnancy blinders on, just to ease the constant reminder a little. I watched a show the other night called "OMG!! Sextuplets" the couple on the documentary did the same procedure and meds that we are, needless to say I had nightmares that night about being over run with babies, I wonder if papa and dede would let us move in with them, HA!! yeah right.
I have talked a few times about the bible study that I am doing now with a group of friends, on "tests of faith". We have been doing this one since after the new year, and to be honest there have been quite a few nights after bible study when I didn't know if I would be able to go back or if I would end up trying to track down the pastor who wrote it and give him a piece of my mind. Over the last few sessions things have been better, last night though one of the things we discussed was a verse in the bible that talks about when you are in a trial and are not going in the right direction to look to others who are Christians and have been where you are for direction. It really made me think about the test that we have been going though over the past year and a half , as Kyle and I went through everything, we had no one to look to , and honestly I am glad that we didn't, that would mean that someone else would have lost a baby. We did have more support than anyone could imagine though alot from people that we have never met and prayers that we never heard but God did. We were surrounded in love and support in so many ways and we know just how lucky we are. But where does that leave all of this, after alot of thinking I have realized that although we are FAR from the best example and FAR from the best Christians, we will and have been examples to others, examples to those who will one day be in our position. I think that is why for me the speaking engagements that I have had have been so healing, I can only hope that I am given the opportunity to do it lots more. Keep us in your prayers as we head to the Dr again next week in hopes of a great plan. On a quick side note we have some friends whose little girls had to have a heart transplant (they are from Moultrie) she has had a rough few days but now seems to be making a turn in the right direction, although they will have a long road ahead with a life time of challenges, please keep baby Ellen and her family in your prayers.

Disney World here we come

2009-06-01T15:56:00.006-04:00

Wow, it has only been 2 weeks since school ended and we have been so busy, we left for Disney World the day Maddie Grace got out of school . This was her first trip to Disney and it was Kyle's first trip as well, Dede went along with us and it was her first time at Disney too. Believe it or not, it was not terribly busy there. We all had a great time, and it was wonderful to see our little girl so happy, she met and had pictures with all the princesses except Snow White and Jasmine. Her favorite Aurora was there and like a big baby I cried when she sat down beside her. She loved every moment , she even rode the Mt. Everest ride at Animal Kingdom with Kyle that I would not dare ride on. We all ate way too much of course with the huge dining plan we had, next time we go I know we will get the smaller dining plan for sure. We were full force the entire trip and although it did rain it was a great get away. Maddie Grace is growing up so fast what a wonderful memory to have with her.

We did stop on the way back and see Zach we had him a mickey mouse hat made at Disney, I know he will never get to wear it but we were planning on going the summer after I had him, although things didn't work out as planned.

Before we left for Disney I finally got my test results back from the doctor, everything came back ok with the bloodwork which was great to know, the RE has now decided she wants me to have a little procedure done, although I am not really excited about having anything else done I know that there is a purpose behind all of this , it is hard to see at this point but there is. It is hard though to wait, that has not always been one of my best traits. There is a song by John Waller called Waiting, we are trying to make that a theme for us. We know that it will happen in Gods time and if not then there is a reason for that too. It really feels like lately everyone is pregnant, even those who didnt want to be, isnt that always the way it works though. So for the past few afternoons we have been at the pool a great way to wind the day down, that is until you forget to put sunscreen on your shoulders. Today we skipped that I think my shoulders need time to recover. Keep us in your prayers as I have my procedure done and pray that this will be the trick to make things works.

Our Dancing Princess

2009-05-19T15:57:00.005-04:00

The end of the school year certainly has made our normally busy lives, extremely busy. It is hard to believe that this is the end of kindergarten for Maddie Grace, time has gone by so fast although I had been told that once they enter school it flies by. She had her ballet recital this past Sunday , we were both so proud of her she did a great job , we were very worried that she would freeze on stage but she did not think twice about it. Although she has decided that she doesn't want to do ballet next year, she thinks she wants to do gymnastics instead and doesn't want to miss any soccer. One thing at a time we do not want to have to many things going on at one time. A few weeks ago Maddie Grace was collecting pretty much every caterpillar she could get her hands on, once we hit 15 I thought it would be better to hold off on any more hunting expeditions until we were able to get rid of the ones we had. I am happy to say that all but one of them turned into a beautiful moth, ok maybe not beautiful but seeing maddie graces face light up when she realized they were out was priceless. we Also had a birthday party this weekend at a friends house 10 little girls all running around becoming "Fancy Nancy" a ball was had by all of the girls and they all played so well together which is an accomplishment as well. Maddie Grace has been on the top of getting her birthday planned since then, trying to make her understand that we have almost 2 months until her birthday is another story. 1 day, 1 month, a 5 year old doesn't seem to have the patients or the need for things like time.
We have had alot going on but I have also tried to go through some things that I have been putting off, I cleaned out one of the closets trying to throw away things some of Zach's things that I know I will not need or I do not want to keep. I was going through the file box and found all of the bill from his short life. All I can say is WOW! I ended up with a stack that was a little over 2.5 inches thick. I thought about doing some things to his room but I just do not have the heart to do it, On Tuesday a friend of Maddie Grace's was over at the house, she and the little girl were going up stairs to the playroom and once they got to the top of the stairs I heard the little girl ask Maddie Grace where the baby was. She responded quickly with he is in heaven, which made the little girl only ask more questions. I was so proud of her she answered everything just like we answered them for her. I guess some things are getting through to her. After her deep questions about where a hot dog comes from this week, while we were watering the dogwood tree in the yard, she started asking questions once again, this time she asked if the tree was made out of dog, when I told her no and explained what is was made out of she, puzzled said I why are so many things called a dog but they aren't a dog at all. I just laughed, at least she is interested in finding answers and learning things, even if they make me laugh.

Bitter Sweet Day

2009-05-10T21:20:00.003-04:00

Mother’s Day, a day to celebrate and remember our mothers, to celebrate being a mother. I know just how blessed we are to have my mom. Over the past year and a half many days I was unaware which end was up, I was running from the hospital and everywhere in between. Kyle and I both were exhausted all of the time but we always had my mom to help us, trips to Athens, Augusta and of course making sure Maddie Grace was always entertained and loved. And now she goes out and takes care of my little one while I am not there. I can say that I have not been the best mother over the past year, I have been so wrapped up in my own grief and just trying to make it day to day that I feel as if I have missed out on this with Maddie Grace, even though I was there, I wasn’t really as present as I should have been. My mom and dad have been so wonderful to make sure that we are here for Maddie Grace, sounds like I will not be getting mother of the year anytime soon, no big surprise. I would like to be able to smile and have that special mothers day, but it seems that I am always torn between wanting to be with Maddie Grace and wishing I was with Zach. I was listening to Elizabeth Edwards in an interview last week; lord knows she has been through it all, the death of her son, inoperable cancer and the apparent infidelity. Anyway, she was asked if she was afraid to die if she thought about death, and without hesitation she looked up and said no, that since she lost her son death didn’t have the same stigma, that there was someone waiting there for her. Funny thing is that all of the things that we have been through make me love and appreciate my mother that much more. Mothers, love our children so much. I remember when I was little my mom would tell me that I could never love her as much as she loved me, for the longest time I thought that she was just saying that. That was until I had Maddie Grace, and at that moment I realized as mom how much she had given up, because she wanted to for us. I do the same now, her happiness means so much more to me than anything I could have. Before Zach was born I remember being so afraid that I would not be able to love another child like, Maddie Grace, when mom assured me that I would fall in love with him just as I had with her. And she was so right, although very afraid seeing that tiny baby, he took my heart just a quickly as she had.
Since the anniversary of his death was have had some rough days. I have had times where I am angry that others are given their chance and we can not seem to catch a break. This morning in church the message was about god’s tests and trails, during the service our pastor said all trials come to an end, which made Kyle and I look at each other and grin, I guess in our case the end is TBD. Our trials started almost 2 years ago and seem to have taken on a life of its own.
I do get to go in the morning for a 3 hour test to check some things before we start the next step. So we are really no closer to a baby, but we hope that we are moving in the right direction. Happy Mother’s Day to everyone but especially my mom the caretaker of us all, the cook for thousands, dede to some and mama to others we all love you.
On a completely different subject, Maddie Grace has grown and changed so much this year and lately it has become apparent that she is full of questions about everything from why the cows are not in the barn to the best one last week, She asked Kyle and I if hotdogs were made of dog, when we laughed and told her no that usually they are made out of pig she sat for a moment and then said well then why aren’t they called hot pigs, Kyle looked at me and we both just laughed we had no answer for that.

Marching for Zach

2009-05-05T14:54:00.006-04:00

I have been swamped for the last week with, Marhc for Babies, and on top of that I have been sick for over a week, although I am now starting to come out of the fog. The walk turned out well as far as I could tell although there are always things thing we can change to make it better. This year we had it at the Clarke Central football stadium, which made for a much better layout with kids having lots of room to run around. We did meet our $5000 goal for Zach Nation team, actually we went over it by just a little. Although I know we didn't raise what we did last year I feel like we did a great job. Thank you to everyone who helped us meet our goal, we can only hope that in someway this will help another family from experiencing what we have over the past year. The 2 little ones below are Will and Hayes, they are our MOD ambassodors and were our friends from the NICU they have come so far and are now 14 months old, a long way from our NICU days. Baseball season for Kyle has officially ended. This season was above and beyond what last season, they barely missed the playoffs, the top 4 go and they were 5. There is always next year and I really think they came so far in one year. Nothing has really changed on the fertility front we are still in a sort of holding pattern waiting on more test results, although I have changed over to new way of eating that my RE wanted, and let me just say I really didn't think I was that addicted to carbs but apparently I was so WRONG!!!! I have started to get use to the whole wheat pasta though just takes a little time. And hey it will be good for Maddie Grace to not have those anyway. I have even learned lost of new recipes that I can use and really like.

The Dogwood Blooms

2009-04-23T21:39:00.008-04:00

The weekend was rough to say the least. We made lots of time for family and sent Zach balloons. We went to church Sunday morning and Papa and Dede had put a beautiful arrangement in memory of Zach in the sanctuary. To be honest Sunday all I really wanted to do was sleep, but we both felt a sense of peace all day which I am sure was due to all the prayers that were being said for us. Kyle got an email on Monday from Jeff Cochran; Jeff is the one that wrote the wonderful article on Zach in the Athens Banner Herald.

(Link to article about award)

If you haven’t read it click on Zach’s story at the top of the blog. Anyway, Jeff emailed to tell us that Zach’s story had won story of the year for the Georgia press association, in their paper size category. We could not have been happier that just showed us once again that he is still touching so many. Kyle and I talked a lot this weekend it really seemed like the past year had zoomed by, like it had been yesterday we were holding that little one in our arms, what a blessing he was and still is. On Sunday when we were out in the yard I noticed that the tree we had planted in his memory in our yard had the most beautiful blooms on it, it was the first time it had bloomed since we planted it. What a blessing.
Monday Kyle had a baseball game and Maddie Grace decided to do a face first dive on the concrete, of course I was freaking out, all though scuffed up pretty well she was ok. When I thought about it that night, which was really the only time she has ever gotten hurt. Oh she has been sick plenty and even had surgery twice but we have been very lucky in the boo boo area, she was very brave though and by bed time that night she could not wait until school the next day to show off her lovely new scabs, and of course she has pictures on Saturday for ballet, oh well it will be great to remember.
Wednesday was our big appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist, it was a long day, and we met with her for over an hour and a half. We have a new plan in place not one that I am extremely excited about but only because it takes away my favorite food group, carbs, it is a low glycemic diet and because she is upped one of my meds that has some really nasty side effects. But it is all for a good reason, so I will deal with it. She told us to think long term, no quick fixes, so obviously getting pregnant anytime soon is not really in the cards but maybe by the fall or next spring. Only God knows, right?
The last thing I will mention is a friend of mine, Erika, she has been such a great support for me over the past year, almost one year to the date before Zach died, her husband, who was also a friend, Brad was tragically killed in an automobile accident, Erika was due with their first born son just a few weeks later. Erika you have shown such strength and courage and we are so proud of you. Brad’s mother Cheryl, came to speak to me on Easter at church in Tifton, we both have a missing piece, our sons. Please remember Erika in your prayers tomorrow and Brad’s parents. Like I have said before you do not ever get over losing your child you just learn to cope.

A Year without you.

2009-04-14T23:02:00.006-04:00

On Sunday it will be one year since our little boy passed away. Tonight I was cleaning our some drawers and stuck in the bottom of it was a box of pictures of Maddie Grace, I opened the box and inside was also all of my ultrasound pictures from my 20 week visit, when we found out Zach were, well, Zach. The tears started to fall as I remembered all of the plans and hopes I had for our new little baby yet to enter the world. As parents we do that we wish for things for our children. I think as a parent that has lost a child that is one thing that hurts the most besides all of the hurt and pain from missing his physical presence, I ache everyday for all of the plans that we had. This past Sunday was a year that we brought him home, I remember every moment of those few precious hours we had with him. Kyle falling asleep in the chair, watching The Master’s with his little boy. Papa and Dede each taking turns to snuggle him since the chances to hold him in the NICU were few and far between. We set our alarm to wake up to feed him during the night, and could not have been happier to do so. To be honest Kyle and I both had noticed a slight wheezing that night, but neither of us said anything, I think we both wanted him home so bad that we could let it go for the time being. The next morning when he stopped breathing we got him back it was Zach he was ok, but as the week rolled on even though we didn’t want to admit it we were losing him, his fragile body just could not take anymore, he was not getting the oxygen that he needed, so after 6 days of digressing from a nasal cannula to being back on a ventilator we made the decision that no parent wants to make, we had to decide to let him go. The moments of that morning a year ago are forever burned in my mind. After praying with our pastor and knowing that we were making the right decision, the tubes were disconnected and our precious little boy was laid in my arms, in an instant he was gone. He would hurt no more, he could now breath more than he ever had in his short 6 months. I held him for what now seems like minutes but it must have been over an hour, we all had our time with him, Kyle and I bathed him one last time . My parents were there, and of course Dr.Morales , Susan and Diane and one of other nurses Jennifer. They all made sure that we had our time to say goodbye to him. As painful as it was and as much as I wanted to trade places with him or go with him Kyle and I both had a peace, we knew that is was the right choice. We also know that if God wanted him to stay here on earth that he could have healed him at any moment. I really do not remember much after he passed away, and I even find it hard to believe that I got up and spoke at his funeral, God gives us strength when we don’t even know we have it. I do remember at his burial looking up at the tiny white casket, that no mother should ever see, then to the right outside of the tent I saw a line of workers from my Dads farm , for them to think of our family was so touching.
As the last year has passed I wish I could say that things have become easier, but they have not and I know that they will never become easy as I have said many time we will only learn how to cope, the old adage that time heals all wounds is not even close to the truth, and only believed by those who have not lost a child. It is a pain and emotion that unless you have been there you can not know and I would never wish on anyone. As we have faced the harsh reality that he is gone we then get another hit of not being able to get pregnant again. We miss him so much, not a day goes by that we don’t think of him, remember a moment he was with us. Thank you all for being a support system for us when you didn’t even know it, for some who don’t really know us ,but have just been touched by him. I have made friends that I never would have meet, he brought our family closer together and he taught me to appreciate everyday . What did he teach you? Post a comment if he touched your life in someway big or small. We are moving forward, but not away, we do not ever want to forget him. In the weeks the followed his death I honestly think I was still in shock and think it took until his first birthday to get it. Maddie Grace has held us close as well, she loved her little brother so much, this past weekend when we went out to see him, she sweetly picked flowers and placed them on this grave, she sat down and kissed his head stone and asked if we could take him home. We all have a long way to go, but have also been so blessed. I thought I would post the poem that I read at Zach's funeral many of you have asked about it, Please keep us in your prayers.

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say. A Mother has a baby this we know is true.But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? Yes, you can He replied with confidence in His voice I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay I just don't understand this, God I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear.My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quickly my mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day.When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear.Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one your children are ok your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother It's the feeling in your heartIt's the love you had so much of right from the very start though some on earth may not realize until their time is done. They'll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one!

Easter Pictures

2009-04-13T20:37:00.006-04:00

I just wanted to post a few pictures from Easter this weekend with my mom and dad, and my sister and her family( Rae, Ruth and Dan). I am working on another post for later this week. We had a nice weekend, with tears. My birthday was very non-birthday and more trying to hold it together. Maddie Grace had a blast of course. Here are just a few of the pictures.

Easter Already.

2009-04-07T16:17:00.007-04:00

** We will be taking orders for shirts for this years Zach Nation until next Wednesday, the shirts are $12 all proceeds will go to the march of dimes just let me know if you would like to order one and what size, you can see the mock up here. you can pay for it when it comes in**

This past weekend we went to a birthday party for our friends, Jacob and John Scott, complete with a Easter egg hunt and bunny, it was a blast we really enjoyed it. Maddie Grace hunted lots of eggs and had plenty of sugar enough to last the weekend. It seemed the weather just new we all needed to be outside after all of the rain we had at the end of last week. The sun came out and there was a perfect breeze. Of course because of all the rain last week, Kyle had a baseball game to makeup on Saturday afternoon, so Maddie Grace and I spent the rest of the day relaxing. One of our favorite songs is "Bring the Rain" by Mercy , last week when it kept raining , Kyle as he always does put this song on repeat while in the shower, in the song is says"Jesus bring the rain" I told him he may want to hold off on the song for a couple days, that God might be taking him literally.
I have dreaded the next week for the past month. Although it is Easter and a wonderful time of the year for family, not to mention Sunday is my birthday. But my birthday day is also the day that we brought Zach home from the hospital, the best and worst day all in one, less than 24 hours later we were back in the NICU. It seems like such an odd thing to celebrate when I feel like I would rather just crawl back in the bed and forget the day came at all. It all feels so recent. And with all of problems that we are having with fertility it almost seems like sometimes God has it out for us. We know that is not the case, but we have really been through enough are frankly ready for a break, a mental break. Kyle and I both have prayed so hard for answers and we know the answers will come in his time and not ours, but being human we are not the most patient. We will head back to Augusta for a meeting with my reproductive endocrinologist to see where we are and if there are any more options that are feasible for us. We talk a lot about what we are supposed to be learning from this and don’t get me wrong we have learned a lot, by all means we have learned. But yet God continues to add things to our plate, In my bible study that we have been doing on “Tests of Faith” , which has been so hard to listen to, we had a verse from James 1:2-4 it says,”2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” So , we wait, and pray that we can make it through this week, we miss him so much, not a day passes that I don’t think about him at least every other hour. Days do come now that I can not remember his smell and his cry. So I pull out his clothes bag and take in a deep breath of his sweet smell or turn on one of the videos we made of him and listen to his soft cries. It is almost comforting until I realize that is all I will ever have, that picture of him in his Easter outfit last year in the NICU is the only Easter picture we will ever have, that comfort turns to pain in an instant. Dwight D. Eisenhower said it best in an interview in the 1950’s when referring to the death of his little boy who had passed away in 1921 ,” That was and still is the great disaster of my life - that lovely, lovely little boy. . . . There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.”

Rain, Rain go away!!

2009-04-02T16:22:00.007-04:00

** Something I forgot to post we have finally designed shirts for this years Zach Nation, the shirts are $12 all proceeds will go to the march of dimes just let me know if you would like to order one and what size, you can see the mock up here.**
On Saturday night Kyle and I realized that on Sunday morning our church was having baby dedication, so not wanting any extra stress we decided just to go a little late just to miss that but still be able to go to church. When we went in the dedication had just ended and so we felt comfortable to sit and stay. As the service was getting started a family with a baby comes in and of course sits in front of us. As if my hot flashes that I was getting were not bad enough, that just made it unbearable, then when the baby started cooing well that was it Kyle and I looked at each other instantly and new that it was time to head out. So we left and listened on the radio, we headed to eat brunch at our favorite place, The Last Resort, as soon as we walked in a woman who I had never seen nor did I know grabbed my arm and said, I want to give you a hug. Granted I am from south Georgia and we all love to hug, generally though it is someone I know. So I leaned forward and she sweetly said, I have prayed for you for a long time, and I am so sorry. At that point I knew what she was talking about and hugged her, although we had never met because of my little boy I had so much in common. She too had lost a son and she knows all to well what life is like after you lose a child. I honestly do not think I ever got her name, but if she is reading this thank you, your hug and kind words were what I needed right then more than you know.
We did not get the results from the doctor that we wanted this week, so we are trying to figure out with the help of my doctors what our next is if there is one. This is heart breaking but we know that if we are supposed to get pregnant we will, and there is not much we can do at this point even though it eats at me daily, every time I see a baby or a pregnant mother. If anyone has ever seen the movie "Facing the Giants" it is a pretty close copy of our lives, except we have not gotten our happy ending,great movie also.
On Tuesday night Maddie Grace had her kindergarten program, it was so cute they sang a few songs , the boys were all weeds hence the green shirts and the girls were all flowers, lots of bright shirts. Maddie Grace was really excited and did such a great job, they all did, she and Hannah, (beside her in the blue) were so funny both very dramatic. It was a great way to take my mind off of things. And since we have had rain almost everyday since last Thursday we needed something to brighten things up. Last year we a drought and this year it is almost flooding, and it has in Tifton where my parents live. Which means lots of baseball games for Kyle being rescheduled and lots of time away. OK, spring we have had enough, let get to the out like a lamb part!

Part of the the healing

2009-03-24T10:37:00.004-04:00

As many of you know last week I went to speak at a church to a group of ladies. I was nervious but really excited, as you know I love talking about Zach and telling his story. I had not idea though how much this would help me being able to talk about everything. It eally was a great night, I did cry but that was to be expected but I think for the most part of was composed enough to understand what I was saying. And for that extra support a group of ladies from my bible study came out to support me, thanks guys!! I never realized how much it helped me to know that it helped others to hear his story. As we are approaching the one year mark of his death things seem to close in a little around me, and all of the fertility meds do not really help my emotional state. I mean lets be honest we all know I am little on the emotional side anyway. It just feels great to know that his story and his life touches people who never new him, isnt that great!! They had a great meal and the most unbelieveable pie I have ever had, I am not a huge peanut butter fan, but this was by far the best pie I have ever had, it was so creamy , not think, just perfectly fluffy. Needless to say my husband who is the peanut butter fanatic was very upset that I didnt take him a piece.
Mom got to come up this weekend and we all enjoyed spending time together, eating, shopping and oh yeah shopping. Maddie Grace can never get enough of her Dede , she informed me that she was moving to Tifton to be with papa and dede I couldnt imagine why she wants to move with them who let her do almost anything. On Sunday, Maddie Grace and I made fresh strawberry jam, it turned out ok although it didnt thicken up like I wanted it to after sealing it in the jars, any tips would be great.
Kyle is still having a great baseball season I am so happy for him and the boys, winning always makes for a much happier hubby.

Spring break and shots!!

2009-03-15T21:10:00.002-04:00

Kyle has been on spring break for the past week, although with baseball there is never really a break to speak of. The team is having a good year so far they are 5-0, lots of long days and long parent conversations make a tired husband though. Maddie Grace has had to adjust to Kyles baseball schedule since she is very much a daddy's girl.
I did have my dr appointment on Friday and things were ok not great but ok, so I was given , well let me rephrase that, I paid an arm and a leg for a med that I had to inject myself. Even though Kyle offered to give me the shot I thought that it would be a little too much fun for him. So I gave myself the shot on Sunday and it was not that bad, although the side effects are no barrel of fun. All for a good reason though.
On Tuesday night I am speaking at a local church for a ladies night, I am excited and nervous. I want to tell Zach's story with all of the passion that I know I have but at the same time maintain my composure so they can understand what I am saying. No one wants to listen to someone go into the ugly cry . I am sure there will be tough moments but I really feel like I will be able to handle it. Zach was such an amazing little boy who I know touched so many people and I really feel that given the right time he still can touch so many more. As it approaches one year since he died, memories of the short time we had with him seem to be so vivid, and my dreams are so real. It is heart breaking but wonderful as well to have those memories .

Let it Snow? In March?

2009-03-03T20:31:00.001-05:00

Ok, lets try this one more time, I typed the entire post and just like a computer, it shut off for no apparent reason.

All winter Maddie Grace has prayed for snow she said she just wanted to have a snowball fight. Well she got her wish. It literally went from 65 on Saturday to 35 on Sunday with 6.5 inches of snow. I have not seen that much snow since I lived in DC. It was beautiful until you road around and saw all of the trees and power lines down. We were very lucky we only lost power for a few hours and that was right at bedtime so we all slept in our bed to stay warm, and anyone who has ever slept in the same bed with a 5 year old knows that sleep aparently optional. Maddie Grace played all day in the snow, she loved it, but by Monday afternoon she was tired of the snow because she could not go to school, I guess mom and dad are only so much fun after all.

We did not get the results we wanted back from our tests, so we will now start the last round of this medication. It is hard to keep going through this month after month but I know that many families go through this all of the time and compared to what we have been through over the past year this is nothing. We will make through this too. I have had a better week and I am trying to make the decision to make the most of everyday, but like everyone else in life somedays are good some are not. So we will go ahead this month and then if nothing happens we will move onto the next thing we can.

We have been doing a new bible study in my "bible study girls group", although some nights I am sure they feel like it is more a therapy session for me. Anyway, we are doing a study on tests, why god tests us, the reason, purpose etc.. The last few weeks have been rough for obvious reasons, funny thing though as the week goes on I cant wait for the next one. We are all a mixed bag of moms with to many things going on everyday to get it all done. But we all mesh well , have serious moments of conversation and lots of laughing and funny stories that only we could tell. All this being said, thanks girls for your support and prayers.

Pray that this month works for us!!

waiting for a good day

2009-02-23T21:10:00.001-05:00

This past week has been a rough one, I think with the 1 year anniversary of losing Zach coming up things are becoming harder instead of easier. And with all of the fertility problems we are having, it makes things that much harder. We are not having any luck and we are about at the end of the road with things we can do.
Over the past few days I have shed many tears, asking God why he would take our son and now our fertility. Some questions go unanswered. I wonder, why we have been chosen to face all of these hardships. I do have many things to be grateful for but right now it is just hard to see past the pain. Why is it that people who should not have and do not want children can have them like breathing but yet those who want one so bad it becomes apart of their daily thoughts have no luck.
I hate this I hate the sick feeling I constantly have in my stomach. I hate fact that I stopped myself from crying so many times that the back of my throat aches each time I push my tongue to the roof of my mouth and grit my teeth to hold back the tears. I hate that when I go to get a photo framed the girl at the frame shop says how cute that little boy is and want to know how old he is. I get mad when people complain about their children all the time, don't get me wrong we all have a bad day , but all the time come on. I drives me crazy that people say, just relax it will happen, wait in Gods time or you can always adopt. As genuine as these words maybe I can assure you right now they only deepen the wound.
I know this all sounds selfish and like I am having a pity party, well I am. Our old NICU friends Hays and Will turned 1 this weekend, and as much as we are happy for them and excited to have seen them come so far, our hearts break when we see what we are missing. We when see where Zach, might be today. I am sorry, it has been a really hard week and really needed to vent, although it only feels better for the moment at least it is a moment. Goodness, how we miss him. Kyle and I just miss him so much.
One other quick note please continue to pray for Colton, our friends that I spoke about in my last post, he is still in the hosptial, after emergency surgery, he is still there.

Valentine's full of rain!!

2009-02-16T21:35:00.002-05:00

Last week was horrible, with the new meds I am on I have been so sick, it was a rough week. Kyle started baseball in full swing in it makes my days a lot longer, the joys of a coach's wife. I married on of 2 things my mom said never to do. I obviously listen so well. We headed to mom and dads this weekend, we have not been home since Christmas, we were all there which was nice. We had an adult night out on Saturday all 6 of us, which never happens. And of course Maddie Grace enjoyed being with Rae ( niece), they are 18 months apart to the day and amazingly they get along very well, and miss each other so much. They are in for a treat though now since Ruthie has now started to walk and she is so funny like a little bull in a china shop. I have never seen a child that loves to eat more than Ruthie, Jenn and Dan like to say that she doesn't have an off switch which is about the truth, but she is a cutie. It rained all weekend which was yuck!! We went to see Zach of course before we left , and mom had put a new arrangement on his grave for valentine's day. No matter how many time I go or how long it has been, it has not become any easier. Going out there just brings a sadness and a deep yearning for my child. And with the events of the past few weeks with the lady from California with the now 14 children, my heart breaks even more. And again I ask why. Why when we only had 1 and she had 8, but that is not my choice to make, nor one I would want to make. It has almost been a year since we lost Zach, but the pain feels like it was yesterday, I can not believe that time has gone by this fast, although some days are much faster than others. We brought him home on my birthday and then he died 7 days later, who new my birthday would become the best and worst memory I have.
We had friends that I told you about awhile back that had twins, that were at St. Marys and went home right before Christmas, well they have had to take one of the boys back to Egleston, for emergency surgery, I am unsure what kind or how they are doing but please keep baby Colton and Andrea and Ryan in your prayers. Hopefully he will recover and be home again soon.

Great Book Suggestion

2009-02-04T21:44:00.002-05:00

The last 2 weeks have been a whirl wind between everything that we have going on. Baseball season has started for Kyle and so that means lots of long days for me and him, and of course Maddie Grace since she is so tightly attached to her daddy.
I finished reading a book last week called "The Shack", I have to say that I have never read a book besides the bible that has had a more profound effect on how I see things. The book is deep, and sometimes you have to just put it down to think about everything but I HIGHLY recommend it anyone, but be sure to keep an open mind and an open heart. I really feel I learned alot from this book and it really paralleled many feelings that I have had and still have. Although I am working on that.
We went to the doctor last week and this time we both to here what the doctors had to say. The news that we got was less than sunny ,and frankly it was not what I wanted to hear but Kyle and I feel certain that not matter what we have seen the valleys and we know that if we are not able to have any more children , we have already been blessed, and are more than aware that things could be so much worse. With all the event of the past week with the lady that had 8 babies, I felt my anger rise, not because she had "healthy" preemies but because she has now 14 kids, no job and no husband. Things like that just make look toward the heavens and say, "really God? " On another note I found it hilarious that reports say she now wants to be a parenting expert for TV, that just made me laugh. So anyway off my soapbox.
We have also started reading a new series of book to Maddie Grace the books are by Kate DiCamillo, she wrote,"Because of Winn Dixie", "Tale of Despereauxe" and a few other books. We are reading the Mercy Watson books, that are about a pig named Mercy and her adventures with her human family, and in every story she enjoys lots of hot buttered toast. They are the cutest book and now Maddie Grace had started asking for hot buttered toast ( with a dash of cinnamon sugar) for breakfast, only my child such a sweetie.
I will head back to the Dr on Friday so pray for a good report and that the new meds are working we will see, they are giving me horrible headaches, and making me moody, well OK lets rephrase that, more moody!!

Crying feels good sometimes

2009-01-20T21:13:00.002-05:00

I have been asked many times over the past few months how we have made, how I get out of bed in the morning etc....In two words Maddie Grace. Oh don't get me wrong, I remember every moment of everyday pretty clearly since Zach was born last year. There have been and continue to be days that I do not want get up, I do not want to talk and just generally suck for lack of a better term. For some unknown reason though as a mom I felt as if crying would in someway hurt Maddie Grace, and we knew that she had been through enough she didn't need to carry my tears as well. I have come to realize that at the drop of the first tear I can swallow really hard and grit my teeth most of the time and stop the tears at least for that moment, regardless of great it would feel to just let it all out. I have found lately that the shower is a great place to cry, no one can hear you, your wet already and you can get it all out. But why do we do this, why do I do this I have caught myself not even allowing tears when I am around friends, as if I am not supposed to cry, like we are ok and past everything, which we all know is far from the truth. I was talking to a friend the other day and she reminded me how much Zach meant to her and how much she thinks about him and how proud he must be of us, thank goodness we were texting or I would not have gotten any words out for the tears, thanks Danielle for telling me how special he was to you, it made my day.
One thing I forgot yesterday was , Mom's birthday. What can I say about Dede she has been more than a mom since Zach was born, she has kept us going when we would have rather given up and most of all she has made Maddie Grace feel special when I should have. She made meals, cooked, bought groceries,held my hand and gave me a shoulder to cry on. She has kept Zach's grave neat and beautiful and watched to make sure he was ok. All of this in between taking care of her mother and dealing with the loss of her own father and grandson. Thank you Dede for being Dede and taking care of us like you do so well, we love you and know that everyday should be special for you not just your birthday, everyone should be so lucky to have a mom like you.
Last thing on Monday, Kyle and I were walking with Maddie Grace to get a bite to eat downtown for lunch, as we parked we got out right by the Arch, there laying flowers and lighting candles was Tara Bakers family, for those who do not know Tara was murdered 8 years ago here in Athens, she was in law school here at UGA. Kyle and I both knew Tara she went to undergrad with us at Georgia College. As we walked by I felt the tears welling up for her parents, to lose a child I know that pain I know how hard it is but to lose a child by someone hands and after 8 years to not have any resolution, no one in jail would be unbearable. Maddie Grace saw Tara's picture and without even knowing her story looked at me and said mommy, she is in heaven with Zach , so sweet. So please keep her family in your prayers, if your google Tara Baker you can read the entire story.
And finally I have been asked to speak at a woman's day at a local church, I have felt this was the direction for us to move but didn't know where to start, and God opened a door, please pray for me as I get ready to do this in March. What an opportunity to share his story. And not to forget our Maddie Grace, Dede she said she knew what you wanted for your birthday, "your" perfume that I took, she still cant get past that. She also was asked to be a peer helper with kids in her grade that don't quite have the whole behavior thing down yet, this allows her to play with them one on one so they can see how to behave. We are so proud of her for being such a great little girl, we forget sometime just how great she is and how lucky we are to have her.

Such a big girl!!

2009-01-13T08:40:00.003-05:00

The first weeks into the new year and time is flying by already. Maddie Grace made the BIG decision to walk into school on her own from car riders, instead of me parking and walking her to class. I was so proud of her, she hopped out the car and with her backpack on and lunchbox in hand and walked in without looking back. It was like the first day all over again, I want her to be independent and confident but, I think that I liked walked her in as much as she did. All good things come to and end though. As most of you know Kyle is the head baseball coach at Clarke Central in Athens, he loves it and loves baseball but as the season draws near Maddie Grace gets more and more clingy to him. A new season means, late nights and long days. Please keep MG in your prayers she is a daddy's girl and misses him dearly during the season which means an adjustment. She is having a hard enough time with Zach, we still have not made progress over the past week or so. I am hoping that being back at school with lessen her anxiety, she worries to much, no need to add to that.

A few weeks ago I mentioned some friends of ours that had twins that were in the NICU at St. Mary's, well one of the boys went home before Christmas and the other who had been in the children's hospital in Atlanta has been transferred back to Athens which is a huge relief to Ryan and Andrea. Colton and Kyler are the boys names, Kyler is at home and Colton is in the NICU please keep them in your prayers so they can have their whole family home soon. We know too well how hard it is to have one in the NICU but I could not imagine having one in the NICU and one at home, exhaustion would be an understatement.

Last weekend, Kyle and I went to a friends house to watch the Falcons game , we have not seen alot of them in awhile, since Zach died we have gone places and done things but not like we had before, it was really nice to get out and it was our first step in moving forward. We want to move forward but not away from Zach. Not forgetting, not ever, but trying to heal the best we can. We can not sit and do nothing, it really seems that the best thing is for us to surround ourselves with people who are about us, that will help us heal as much as anything.

I am, still going to the Dr and still taking lots of meds, no changes in that area. We just waiting to see what our next step might be, what God has planned for us.

A New Year

2009-01-02T21:52:00.006-05:00

A new year has arrived and this year we are hoping to have a less dramatic year than the last. A new year always means a fresh start, 365 new days ahead of you. I did not make any New Years resolutions it seems every year millions make a resolution to do something, change something etc.. and with out question they usually do not suceed. Our family is doing some changing, but only because we wanted to, we are excercising more and spending more QT, even though baseball season is quickly drawing near. We had a very subdued New Year's Eve with friends, playing cards and trying to stay awake until midnight.

This year we want to grow as a family and try to figure out what we learned from losing Zach, what he taught us. We know he taught us lessons that we needed, he also brought us in as a closer family.

I have noticed while talking to friends if I bring up Zach in casual converstaion, there seems to be a sudden , GULP!! So for those that care or would even want to know, we love to talk about Zach, we love it when people ask us about him, that is how we know he is still alive in peoples hearts. I think this is how it is for most people, they just want to know that their loved on is not forgotten. My parents even love to talk about him.

Over the past few weeks we have noticed that Maddie Grace has taken a few steps back in relation to Zach, we had gone for awhile with few questions or comments, but it seems the holidays or something else has brought everything back to the front of her mind, to the point where she now will ask if she can lay beside him. I know she wants to be a big sister and maybe if we are able to oneday it will help her heal wounds of her own.

So this year make a committment that you can keep if you wish, but make it something worth while something that you may actually do, but most of all make this year for your family.

Santa came to town

2008-12-29T22:04:00.004-05:00

Christmas is finally over and wow it was a whirl wind . We had a wonderful time on Christmas Eve with friends, we went to church and the music was wonderful and then all came back here for breakfast. We had a great time. Christmas morning came very early and Santa didn't get to bed until late due Maddie Grace not falling asleep, she was very excited this year, even more than last year. She loved every moment and so did we, Santa brought her lots of America girl things which she has played with non stop. We then headed to Tifton to see Papa and Dede and the rest of the family, my Nana was even there which was great she just had surgery a few weeks ago for a broken neck, the doctors said she was a miracle, she was still alive. Maddie Grace had a blast and on Friday my sister and her family came up from Tallahassee, Maddie Grace was so excited to see Rae, my sisters little girl, they are like 2 peas in a pod. Although we think that they are both in for a world of hurt once Ruthie learns to walk and tag along. My sister, Dan, Kyle and I all played Wii bowling and tennis for a while on Friday night I promise it could have been a gag reel, the next morning my arm was killing me but it really was fun.

We went to see Zach on Christmas day , and someone had put a little gift on his grave. It was really sweet, it was also very hard. Maddie Grace was so sweet she told Kyle and I that she was going to try really hard not to cry, but that she missed Zach alot, little did she know that not crying was just not possible. We all miss him so much. This was supposed to be the good Christmas not in the hospital, not in Augusta with our whole family at home. But God had other plans. We did find out that the Kappa Sigma fraternity at Mercer University, it going to donate all of the profits from their 5K to our foundation, we are so excited, Kyle was a Kappa Sig in college and they wanted to help out, so if you live in the Macon area be on the look out for the race. We will still have the race here in Athens and we are also hoping to have a concert as well. We want to be able to help others like everyone helped us. We was such a blessing. When we were on our way home on Sunday from my parents Kyle got a text message from a friends saying that they saw Zach's picture in the paper and they were thinking of us. Kyle and I both were confused, we did not know why his picture would be in the paper. As we pulled into town we stopped at the store and bought an Athens paper, they had a section called The year in pictures, and there was huge picture of Zach taking up about a fourth of one page. He was special to others too

Dreams can be cruel

2008-12-19T11:46:00.008-05:00

This has been a busy week. On Sunday we went out to the Georgia Club with our friends the Griner's to have brunch with Santa, it was a wonderful, Mary and Chris have twins boys Jacob and John Scott so of course Maddie Grace had a blast with them they all entertained each other, the food was wonderful and the decorations were beautiful. The best part was when John Scott went into a 10 minute list of his Christmas wishes it was precious you know it is funny when Santa starts laughing too and Maddie Grace threw me for a loop with the request for finger puppets, who knew. I finally finished all of my Christmas shopping the week this was great one less thing to worry about before the big day, finger puppets and all. I have also figured out as of Wednesday that I must be the world worst mom or very clueless one, I thought for some reason that today, Friday, was the last day of school for Maddie Grace. OH no, it was not it was yesterday thank goodness for Susan, who had to convince me that it really was the last day, I was up until 11pm making cupcakes for her class. They turned out great I made little Christmas tree cupcakes with fondant stars.

My little worrier, I forgot how literal Maddie Grace takes things, we have been telling her that this was the last day of school, we found out last night that she literally thought it was the last day and was very upset about getting a new teacher and having to make new friends we reassured her that it was the last day until after Christmas, and that she would return to her class and friends after a short vacation.

Last night I had my first dream about Zach, I am sure due to this past week, which has been very hard. We put Zach's Christmas tree that he had in the NICU in Maddie Grace's room, she really wanted it which I thought would be fine until we got it out with the ornaments there was one little ornament that one of the nurses gave Zach and tiny candy cane with his name on and the story of the candy cane attached. After that I had a small breakdown, then I started looking for a Willow Tree figureine of an angel that was praying someone had given us and that was on Zach's isolette for as long as I can remember, well I can not find it and I really got upset, the whole ugly cry. So needless to say it has been a rough week. On to the dream, I was at the NICU he was still on O2 I guess because he always was, but he was older, still a baby but had grown, his hair was longer his curls more full, I was holding him facing me and he was laughing and smiling, trying to talk to me. It was so real I could feel him in my arms I could hear him I, but then I woke up and I realized it was just a dream and he was not in my arms after all. so of course I cried . At the time it was wonderful to see him, but waking up seemed so cruel just another reminder of what we are missing. Christmas is hitting us all very hard we all miss him so much please pray that we can find some peace.

I hope everyone is getting ready or already finished only a few days left till Christmas. One thing I did want to mention, alot of my friends and I have all been irritated by our children's focus on gifts instead of the real reason for Christmas, Jesus' birth. Kyle and I have started reading a book to Maddie Grace which was a gift her first Christmas from our dear friends the Slocum's, it is called "A Special Place for Santa" some may also know it as the Kneeling Santa I highly recommend it for anyone with kids it is great just click on the book title to a link to the book it is only $9. It tells the real story of St. Nick and the story of Jesus' birth it does a good job of bringing things full circle without taking way santa but also not taking out the real christmas either.

Santa is coming

2008-12-11T17:25:00.006-05:00

Wow! we have been so busy for the past week, the holidays make everything crazy. Last weekend we took Maddie Grace to see Santa and to the American Girl store so she could pick out things from santa and for Rae, my niece. She informed me that she only needed 3 gifts which I thought was great, but I asked why she said because thats what Jesus got. We have been reading the Christmas story and the book called "The Knealing Santa" It was lots of fun but man it was cold. We headed out on Saturday for the Watkinsville christmas parade and got a Christmas Tree finally and then decorated the house it was fun, we let Maddie Grace help put the ormamints on and at the end we put Zach's ornamint on and of course I cried and cried. Maddie Grace being the sweet, caring child that she is she came over with her blankie and wiped my tears away and told me "moma its ok I miss him too" that just made me cry more. We did get some shopping done but it is really hard to get into the christmas spirit but I am really trying.

My Nana had her surgery and everything went really well, she is now living at a great Senior community in Tifton instead of all alone in her huge house. I think it is going to be a great change for her and I know it will take alot of stress off of my mom.

I went to the Dr on Monday and it seems that my meds are finally starting to work, we really thought that we had reached the end of this road but without going into to many details just pray that over the next month things will continue to work and the next round as well. This is really hard for Kyle and I as much as we want another child we also are very conflicted, we do not want to forget Zach, we know that we will not but when you think of bringing another child in it scares you. Also there is the obvious the fear of something happening again, although we have be assured that we will be watched VERY close if we get pregnant. We have started working on the 5k to raise money for the foundation that we would like to start to help families of preemies, there is alot of work that goes into it but we are hoping to get help from the baseball team, friends and the highschool, hopefully next fall sometime.

Pull the band aid off fast, right?

2008-12-04T16:17:00.003-05:00

Thanksgiving was great I hope that you all enjoyed the time with your families as much as we did. Mom and Dad came up and we had Thanksgiving day with them and then the next day my sister and her family came up and mom and dad cooked again, our favorite meal, Quail, daddy's famous coleslaw, collards and grits, and pineapple casserole. It was wonderful, if any of you have ever had my moms cooking you will understand. Saturday was a wash it was so cold and raining, needless to say I did not make it to the game, although my husband went for the entire painful 4 quarters. It was a disappointing loss but hey you can not win them all.
I had the results back from my blood work finally, they were not great but they were not the worst they could be either. I guess the easiest way to say it is there is the potential under the "perfect" circumstance whatever that means. I also had another ultrasound and again nothing happening so we are now in a holding pattern, my doctor is now trying to decide between surgery or sending me a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) or raising the mg one more time on my meds . I think I am more up to just going to another Dr. but we will see.
I did make a big step and took all of Zach's baby food to the food bank here in Athens, sounds silly but it was very hard. It has been sitting in his room and I really had intentions to give it to someone but every time I tried it was just to hard. So I decided to pull it off fast like a band aid, at the same time I took all of his formula to our pediatricians office to give to a family that needs it. It was a special formula so I could not just give it to anyone. It was really hard, it was like giving up, giving in to the reality that he is gone and that he will not need his things. I know this IS reality but giving those small things away seemed to make it that much harder. So for now that is all I can do, nothing else that is in there besides all of his medications will expire so they can stay until Kyle and I are ready. I laid on mom and dads bed at the townhouse and cried last weekend with mom and Jenn, I was playing with my niece who is the same age as Zach and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I will never enjoy these moments with him learning to walk, chasing him around the room, his first words or tooth. The holidays make things that much harder, but we tell ourselves every night while we are talking that it is going to get better that we know it will never be OK but at some point it has to get easier.
On another note my grandmother Nana, broke her c6 vertebrate, is lucky not to be paralyzed and is having surgery so please keep her in your prayers.

Giving thanks no matter what

2008-11-25T19:06:00.004-05:00

This month seems to have flown by keeping busy with work and a stack a mile high of monogramming the days seemed to go by in flash. At church on Sunday once again my bible verse was the topic of the sermon Phil 4:6 I am still trying to figure out what else God is trying to tell me but I know it will come in time. Can you believe that it is Thanksgiving? I cant it seems like it was just Halloween. As we all get together with family and friends this week, take the time to to let them know how grateful you are for them . Although this has been the hardest time in our lives, Kyle and I know we have much to be thankful for even in the midst of our heart ache. We have so much support from friends and family , we have a beautiful daughter, a home, jobs, and for a brief time we had a wonderful little boy. As the holidays begin emotions seem to get the best of me . It is hard to think of him not being here, to enjoy to holidays with us. So please take the time to thankful, we all have something to be grateful for.

Last week friends of ours had twin boys, Colton and Kyler, one is here in Athens and one is in Atlanta. They both are doing OK but are on the NICU roller coaster and have had a few rough patches, Colton has already had surgery but has made strides since then. Please keep this family in your prayers, Ryan and Andrea are first time parents and this is tough for them. I will keep you posted on their health. I posted a pic at the top of Maddie Grace in her Thanksgiving outfit I made for her, she wanted a skirt instead of pants this time it looks so cute on her. I went to the Dr today for round one of the test that they are running I will go back again next week for more blood work and then we will have more answers maybe, hopefully the new med I start on Thursday will not add any more side effects to the ever growing list. Pray for good news, or any news. Safe travels to everyone on the road and in the air and have a blessed Thanksgiving!! (GO Dawgs!!!)

Best Good Daddy

2008-11-18T18:58:00.004-05:00

This week has been a week, I am busy at work, busy monogramming and have a horrible cold on top of everything else, although I must say the new tissues that have vicks vapor built in are a god send and of course I am still sick as a dog from my meds as well, with no changes in that area either. Kyle went to visit friends this weekend so Maddie Grace and I had a girls night Saturday, we were supposed to go the the JLA Marketplace but I was already starting to feel bad so we watched Kit Kitteridge: All American Girl and I think she has watched it 5 times since then, anyone that has a little girl with American Girl dolls knows how big they are. Anyway, Maddie Grace is very much a daddy's girls, she crawled into his chair on Sunday morning and laid down and asked, "momma when is my best good daddy coming home" that is her new thing she likes to say now, it depends on when you talk to her if I am her best mommy or not. She never misses a chance though to shower us with hugs and kisses and remind us that she wants to see Papa and Dede. Speaking of Papa and Dede, they went to memorial service in Tifton for the community and accepted a ornament in memory of Zach, we just could not make it, once again they are there to fill in for us. thanks you two!
We took pictures last night for Christmas and Frankie Wylie did such a great job she made Maddie Grace laugh and really be her self, that is just one of the pics. Yes we are taking Christmas pics and it is not even Thanksgiving.
The other morning I had a lapse in time, Kyle had a meeting so he didnt have to go into work into later, so he wanted to take Maddie Grace to school, so he left, I was still laying in the bed and for a second just long enough to give you that lump in your throat, I thought it was last year and he was taking her to school and was coming back to get me to take me to the hospital, we actually made our first trip to Augusta, MCG thanksgiving last year. I hated that place but I would go back in a minute. Maddie Grace said this week that it was ok if we didnt have anymore children, because we have her, and she is right we are blessed to have her.

Prayers for Angels

2008-11-11T21:29:00.005-05:00

**UPDATE** 11/14/08
I just wanted to let everyone know that the little boy Finn, I asked you to pray for got his wings this afternoon, he is now with his sister. Please pray for Allison and Blaine, I KNOW they need it now more than ever.**
Someone I would like to call a friend although we have never met, we have only spoken via email Shelley Henslee, kept up with Zach and has continued to check in on us from far away. She sent me an email asking if I would pray for a precious family, Allison and Blaine and their tiny boy Finn, they had twins at 23 weeks (17 weeks early) and the little girl went straight from her mothers arms to Gods, Finn the little boy weighed in at 1lb 5oz, that is about the same size as Zach. I know you do not know them nor do I but if you could please pray for this little boy and this family, they are going through so much with losing their little girl and still clinging to hope that Finn can pull through, even though it will be a long road, we know he can make it.
We have had a pretty good week so far, well I guess you could say that. Sunday at church we were singing one of my favorite songs, it is Chris Tomlin's version of Amazing Grace, it is really beautiful. Anyway the song always gets to me so as we are singing a young man walked into church with his baby boy, as I watched I hoped that they would not sit on the bench directly in front of us, I mean really we are having church in a gymnasium so there is lots of seating, (we are building a new church) so of course they did, and no this young man had no idea he didnt know me or kyle and had no reason to think that a baby would be an issue. Well of course I started crying , after I gained my composer, which is not easy when you get to the ugly cry there is no turning back, our pastors message was on Phil 4:6 which if you read the carepage you will know that , that verse was my prayer throughout everything, infact mom gave me a framed print of the verse that is in my bathroom so I can see it every morning. So ok I get it God, I got your point, I think. Then this morning the entire way to school Maddie Grace wanted to have question and answer time, so of course I listened and answered each painful one although I will say that a few were somewhat humorous, like, "can zachy grow a beard" and sweet "Who is saying his prayers with him at night" and sad"will i ever be a big sister again and can they stay longer next time?". Needless to say I laughed and cried the whole way home. She is such a sweet little girl. I have been VERY sick from this new med that the Dr put me on to run the test, so pray Kyle doesnt kill me for being so ill, no comments from the peanut gallery it is the medication!!!
If anyone else has something they would like people to pray for just let me know.

Not a week you want to think about

2008-11-06T16:40:00.008-05:00

**Update** I had to share the outfit that I made Maddie Grace, it turned out so cute at least I think it did.

Last week was probably the worst week in awhile. As you know it was Zach's Birthday which was hard enough , but I also for some stupid reason made my 2nd round fertility check last week as well. Obviously not the brightest thing in the world. We did not get good news still no response again to the meds, so I now am having one more test run, this will tell my doctor if what we are trying would work under the "best" circumstance, whatever that is. So, if the test comes back negative we will have to move on to an RE if we choose if it comes back positive then my doctor wants to do surgery, ovarian drilling, sounds great I know. Trust me do not google it!! Needless to say I was upset, discouraged etc.. So then by Friday I had already had a rough week which was even harder thinking about him. We took Maddie Grace trick -or-treating along with a group of friends, it was a great distraction and I know she had a blast. We all came back over here and had a bonfire for his birthday, roasting marshmellows and hotdogs. It was fun to celebrate his life. I recieved so many cards and emails thank you to everyone for remembering out little angel. Maddie Grace sent him balloons for his birthday, which she really enjoys doing.

But I guess the fun is just beginning, with the holidays fast approaching we know each one will be hard. Maddie Grace asked the other night since Kyle had a beard for a few weeks, if Zach was old enough in heaven to grow a mustache,I laughed and got a good kick out of that, I said I am not sure but I hope not.

We had our first parent/teacher conference. I was like a child all over again I felt like I was about to get in trouble, but we didnt and Maddie Grace also got a great report, at one point Kyle and I asked if we were both talking about the same child. Her teacher laughed and said of course, I guess that is what we want a child that behaves when we are not around. Oh by the way, she was a beaver for Halloween, it was so cute.

One year ago today.

2008-10-31T07:00:00.016-04:00

***This was written over a 3 day period,if you want to watch the video make sure and pause the music at the bottom first.***
Dear Zach,

13 months ago your dad and I anxiously waited at the doctor to find out if you were a boy or a girl, I remember everything like it was yesterday, I just new you were a boy and as soon as they pulled the ultrasound up there you were and I knew I was right. Tears filled my eyes, although if God had blessed with another precious little girl we would have been just as excited. That was on a Wednesday and on Friday Papa and Dede came up and we told them that they would have their first grandson, we all cried we were so excited about meeting you.

One year ago today you came into this world way to soon. The night was not how any mother plans the birth of her son. Trick or Treating with Maddie Grace who was very excited and wanted nothing to do with leaving to go the hospital, like most 4 year olds. In a mad dash your dad got me to the hospital and before we knew it our life was changing forever, you joined us at 9:15 that night coming in at 22oz, it was a miracle that you even made it out alive, your skin was paper thin, your eyes were still fused shut but you were a fighter. Dr. Morales gave you a 20% chance that night of making it. Most Moms get to hold their newborn within moments of birth, we were to afraid to even touch you, you were so fragile, to sounds and light. Slowly but surely you started to grow although there were many set backs along the way. Then on Christmas Eve, when you were 2 months old I got to hold you for the first time. You were so tiny still on the vent but just to have that time with you was something that I will always treasure. You had already had you first surgery by then, what a brave little boy you were. For months I got up every morning like I was going to work and came and sat vigil in your room. We finally got to the point that we could hold you when we wanted, your daddy and I would "fight" over who got you next, you were funny you loved to talk to us and you had a little temper. You loved your mobile but most of all you loved being held. Oh, how I wish I had held you more, every moment that was possible. But I didn't know that you would be taken away, I thought we had made it past the last hurdle. I had finally given in and fixed your room, it has a UGA theme of course, it sits empty now where you are supposed to be.

6 months ago we took you home for the first time, what a day our emotions were every where we were excited, happy and scared. We wanted to make sure that we took care of you the best way possible. The day was wonderful we all watched you in awe, this amazing little boy had been through so much and was finally home. Papa and Dede were here we all loved on you and snuggled you close. You sat in the chair with your daddy and feel asleep on his chest ,he was so happy to finally have his son home. I remember vivdly how excited we were that morning after our first night at home, Maddie Grace wanted to hold you every moment and thank goodness we let her.

We didn't realize that time was running out. That morning you stopped breathing we got you back and you were fine, we were going to have you checked out and bring you back home. At the hospital I just wanted to take you back home , we had come to far this was not supposed to be happening but in my heart I knew that it was worse than that, it was a nightmare. Over the next few days your breathing became labored and we found out it was our worst fear pneumonia. Your daddy stayed by your bedside he would not leave, he is such a great daddy, he loves you so much, he would not give up that you could be healed and like most parents he wanted to fix you, he was so brave, I know that is who you got your strength and heart from. I was not as strong. I had to go home, I was so afraid, I prayed that I would wake up and that this would end but it did not. So we made the decision to put you back on the vent in hopes it would give you a chance, they paralyzed you with medications and let the machine work but it was just not enough over the next few days your oxygen sats dropped and we knew a decision had to be made. I am so sorry I wish I could have done more, I wanted to breath for you. I prayed for your healing for God to make you better but there was no change. Why? Why did God choose you; why couldn't he let you be our miracle? But that was just it you were already our miracle, you had already touched so many lives , people that we didn't know. It was miracle that you had lived past the first night.

6 months ago your daddy and I made the hardest decision of our life to take you off the vent and let God have you. We brought your sister in to tell you bye, she loves you so much and talks about you often, what a great big sister she was. That morning they turned off the machines an took out the tubes and laid you in my arms, within minutes you were gone, the pain was more than anyone can imagine. It was a very special time for your daddy and I. I held you and looked at you, kissed you. I took a lock of your hair and lots of photos. We put you in your tub one last time and bathed your little body it was the most precious time, you were at peace. No more hurting, no more tubes, no more needles. You were in heaven God had taken all your pain away, but our pain was very real, so real we were numb. I honestly do not think think it has become real, I am still waiting to wake up. I picked out an outfit for your funeral, who does this no mother picks clothes to bury their child, but they do and we had to. You were precious in your little Bailey Boys baseball outfit, almost 10 lbs you had grown so much, people were shocked that you looked so perfect like a "normal" baby. That made it so much harder. It is very unnatural to lose a child that is not the way life is supposed to work, that is not how life is supposed to be. No parent would ever be ready for this. I am supposed to go first. I know that we will never get over this , we will never move on, and for sure we WILL NEVER forget you. We will only learn as time progresses how to deal with our emotions, how to hide it a little better and how to cope and make it through each day. Instead of changing diapers and rocking you to sleep, like you loved so much. I now sit in an empty nursery filled with things that you will never use. Diapers still in the package, a mobile that isn't played, clothes that will never be worn, a baby monitor that will not carry your cries a room to quiet. We will never have these things with you, we miss you every day you will always be our son,we always will say we have 2 children even though you are not here you are still our child. We love and miss you more than you can ever imagine. We know that you are our angel , watching and protecting us and I cant wait to see you again one day. You daddy and I are both far from better or ok but we are learning how to be, somedays are better than others. But we have hope and faith that it will. Happy Birthday.We love you, Always

Love,

Mommy

An afternoon with pumpkins

2008-10-23T19:35:00.012-04:00

Last Friday Kyle and I went to a Halloween Toga Party it was fun I sewed our togas without a pattern and they turned out pretty cute we even won Toga King and Queen. I am still not feeling well from my meds the OBGYN put me on so I did alot of sitting and talking. So I guess I will just come and it tell you all, as most of you know I have LOTS of fertility issues, we tried for a LONG time to have both Maddie Grace and Zach with lots of medications. So we have decided that we are going to try again and God willing we will maybe one have another child although at this point we are not having luck with my meds. I will spare you all the details but it consists of lots of tests every 2 weeks because of my PCOS and endometriosis. It is very emotional to think about we are scared but hopeful and praying that whatever is supposed to happen will. We know by all means this is all out of our hands and just have to trust that God has everything under thumb. We took Maddie Grace out to the pumpkins patch at Washington Farms here in Watkinsville, they have all kinds of activities for kids. Have I said how grateful I am to have a well behaved child? We are so lucky sometimes I think we are to hard on her maybe expect to much but she is such a blessing. She had lots of fun and so we have 2 pumpkins to carve tomorrow night and 2 pie pumpkins to make goodies with. We have decided on Halloween night to have a bonfire with a few friends that were close to Zach and celebrate his life after we all take the kids trick or treating. And Maddie Grace wants to send Zach some birthday balloons. We will stay low key things will be hard enough without a lot going on. Please keep us and our entire family in your prayers as his birthday arrives.

To small for something so big

2008-10-16T21:47:00.004-04:00

This week has been OK, so far. There have been moments for sure that have really hit home. Tonight after Maddie Grace ate supper, she crawled up on the stool at the bar and started to eat her caramel apple cake, which is SO GOOD. Anyway, she was eating and talking , when she asked,"mommy, are you going to go the heaven with Zach". After I caught my breath I looked at her trying to hold back the tears I could feel them welling up, so I gritted my teeth as hard as I could to hold them back.

me: Yes sweetie one day I will go to heaven
MG: When you are really old?
me: yes I hope so
MG: Mommy, (as she starts to cry)I don't want you to go be with Zach.

Oh it really broke my heart. I held her for awhile and then without a big production changed the subject. She is to small to deal with this, and such a worrier, she is like her mother in all of the wrong ways. I pray every night that God will take all of the bad memories she has from this past year and only leave the good times. If it were only that simple.
Last night we lit a candle in memory of Zach, Maddie Grace said that she thought he would like it and again said that she really wanted a baby, but that she wanted a little sister this time, when I asked her why she said if we had a boy God would take him like Zach, then she said we could have one of each just to make sure. So sweet and so wants to be a big sister. God has special plans for her too, I know it.

Officially Banned

2008-10-12T22:50:00.011-04:00

The past week has been busy busy. We had some things done to our kitchen so I was without one for a week which was a pain but well worth the inconvenience. Maddie Grace has been sick and so we ended up at the doctor . No one told me though that a Z-Pac (azithromycin)would turn my usually mild child into a mad woman or child I should say. But she is feeling better which makes me feel better it is always tough to have a sick little one.
Then we had the UGA game this weekend which went much better than the last one, so I have now officially been banned from going to anymore games. I usually give up my ticket for all the games but one and for the last 5 years every home game I have gone to they have lost. So no more games for me, Kyle is banning me. It was still a fun day none the less. Papa and Dede were her and Jenn, Dan and Rae. You would have thought she and Maddie Grace had not seen each other in years they were so excited they played hard and were exhausted by Saturday night.
My mom as most of you know has been very dilligent at keeping Zach's grave looking beautiful. She visits him regularly whichis not possible for us being so far away and to be honest I am not sure that I would be able to even if I was there, going out there is still really hard but I think like my blog for mom taking care of him has become therapy. She has put out sodd, and kept it watered on the hottest days in the summer, making sure it is manacured. And she always insures he has beautiful flowers. Not long after the headstone was placed mom and dad put a little boy that is sitting on a tractor out at the grave it sits at the end and he appears to be watching over him, mom was out there to take pictures last week of the new flowers for me and this was one of the shots, it is a very moving picture. I miss him so much, I can't believe his first birthday is coming so soon, I wish I could turn the clock back and make the time in the NICU a little longer.

GOAL!!!!

2008-10-01T21:10:00.004-04:00

Maddie Grace made her first goal this week at her soccer game, I am not sure who was more excited Kyle and I or her. I really believe it has helped her confidence and she is really enjoying it. She told me this week she needed to wear blue jeans, when I asked her why she said she needed to have pockets to put "stuff" in. I am waiting for her to come home with a surprise. We did go to the UGA/ Bama game Saturday as crushing as it was. I usually go to one game a season even though we have season tickets, I am more of a stay at home and watch it on TV girl not to mention, every game I have been to in the past 5 years they have lost except the SEC Championship, so Kyle has now banned me for the rest of the season!!(just kidding, I think) Papa and Dede came up and Susan and Brannen joined us as well. Maddie Grace was there and I think she licking the chocolate out of the chocolate fountain, she then literally was running in circles, as she said look mom I am sugared up!!! Needless to say when she came down she came down hard. On Monday I went up and sat in Zach's room for a little while, I held his and bag and smelled it the smells hit me like a brick wall, for a moment I could close my eyes and imagine he was there, I had that feeling that you get in your tummy when you know something is about to happen. So tonight after tucking Maddie Grace in I went in his room again, I found his teddy bear that we dressed at Christmas with his outfit that was for preemies but was way to big for him. I rocked and cried and held the bear, I talked to him . I wonder if he can hear me, if he can I hope he knows how much I miss him and love him. Silly I cant even watch a TV show without crying I was trying to watch Private Practice and they had a preemie born and that was it for me although their depiction of how things go was WAY off a baby that small would NEVER be in an open air bed babies that small can't regulate their body temp. That is why Zach was born on Halloween but I was not able to hold him until Christmas Eve,that and the fact that micros are usually touch me nots, also the other night it was ER and family had to take someone off life support,I lost it then, I think I should read more. And on top of that the meds that the OBGYN has put me on are having some really rough side effects , oh well just add it to the list of things going on.

scary thoughts

2008-09-24T22:38:00.002-04:00

Last week and so far this week have been very tiring, last weekend we drove to Atlanta to get a new stove, as we were pulling out of the parking lot a guy came up behind us honking his horn and flashing his lights, so we pulled over thinking we must have something hanging of the door, a flat or something. He rushed up beside us and wanted to know if he could help us with the stove and if not would we sell our truck, needless to say this did not appear to be the most upstanding citizen, so Kyle said no thank you , the gentleman persisted and so we quickly pulled off and got back on 285. After a few minutes Kyle looked and me and said, " man, have you ever thought how close to death you have been at moments like that" That really makes you think and made us remember to BE CAREFUL, you never know what someone has going on.
Kyle and I started a new book together on Sunday called "The Love Dare" it is written by 2 pastors about unconditional love, it is a 40 day journey that you do together, we are really enjoying it. Although the dares at the end of each lesson can be hard. I recommend it to everyone.
It has been 5 months now since Zach passed away, funny I find myself thinking sometimes he is still here but those thoughts are few and far between reality kicks in and slaps you in the face. An empty nursery makes things all to real. Maddie Grace is doing great and has really settled in to kindergarten making friends and enjoying herself.

Blog Nomination

2008-09-23T13:53:00.003-04:00

This will be a quick post I will post longer tonight but I wanted everyone to know our blog was nominated for the best Family/ parenting blog. If we win there is a cash prize that would be a great start to our March for Babies team for this year. as you will see the left is an icon that will link you to the site where you can vote. Please vote for us so we can raise more more than last year for our March for Babies team.

From Soccer to Dance

2008-09-16T12:29:00.003-04:00

Last week was a busy one, Maddie Grace had ballet, which she has really started to enjoy. And she also had her first soccer game on Saturday. It is amazing to see how much she has changed from last year in soccer. She had her second game last night, and she was much more confident she had fun which was most important. She even some really close to scoring a goal twice but one of the other kids on her team, kicked the ball away from her toward the other goal. Oh well, when you have 4 and 5 year olds playing sports. It is really fun to watch and so easy to get wrapped up in the game, don't worry I maintained all proper parent sports etiquette. The team we were playing had a friend of ours son on it, and I think Maddie Grace was more interested in batting her eyes at Sam than kicking the ball, man do we have our hands full. I had bible study on Tuesday night I afterwards I spent the better part of an hour talking to my friend Kelly about Zach and how I am etc.. Thanks Kelly. Saturday afternoon we were all exhausted from the long day and rested while enjoying watching the dawgs play, as nerve racking as it was.
We did get my tests back from the Dr finally and we have a decision to make please pray that we will do they right things for our family. Wouldn't it be great to have all of the answers so we would know what to do next. You may have also noticed the stickers for sale at the top of the page, I designed them for a group and have a link to an email to order them but I am not selling them personally, they are so cute I have on on my truck and have had lots of complements on it already .

Memories can be hard to take

2008-09-08T20:55:00.005-04:00

Last week was OK not great but OK. I seemed to think about Zach more vividly this week . I caught myself thinking about the morning after his first night at home, when he stopped breathing then doing CPR. I can not tell you how much it kills me to remember that morning, it literally makes me sick. You can question yourself over and over, have what ifs, and think about it to the point that you might believe it can be changed only to come back to the same place you started, he is gone and nothing is going to change that. So you get mad, angry with people who didn't want babies but have them easily, without effort. Unlike us who tried for almost 2 years with to many medications to count. Through out this week and last week I prayed for the sick empty feeling to go away and for answers, it seems right now I am full of questions.
We did have a good weekend Kyle, Maddie Grace and I went to the Yellow Daisy Festival at Stone Mountain on Saturday, what a great husband he gives up going to the UGA game to take us , not many would do that. It was a nice day the weather was even nice, at one point there was a wood carver that had made bats and little signs for little boys rooms with baseball things on them, Maddie Grace thought we needed to buy Zach one, it was really precious she thinks of him just like we do. We are blessed 2 wonderful children one here and one in heaven.
On another note, I want to say just how proud I am of my Dad, he is Washington, DC right now he is being given an award on Thursday for the National Grower of the Year, we are all so proud of him he has worked so hard to develop is companies , we love you Papa!! Oh one last thing the photo above was taken when Zach was about 3months old, a friend of ours, Thomas Cannon, is a photographer and he and his sweet wife Jennifer came to the hospital to take pictures of Zach for us, they are the only family pictures we have, I had lost the CD the pictures were on and was very upset but Tom and Jennifer gave us another copy, I can not thank you guys enough, you have no idea how much those pictures mean to us.

A Full week

2008-09-01T21:50:00.008-04:00

Last week was better for Maddie Grace I think that she is getting the hang of kindergarten and was even excited tonight about going to school in the morning which is a huge weight off of our shoulders. She started soccer and dance last week so we were very busy as well as the first UGA game for the season. We spent the weekend with Papa and Dede and Jenn and Dan and the girls. Mom, Jenn and I even got a little time to go and do a few girl things minus any little girls . One of my best friends from home came down for the football game with her husband and little boy, we let them stay with us even though they are Georgia Southern fans (kidding) it was great to see Katy and Joey and enjoyed staying up late and talking. I think we could have all done without the heat on Saturday. This time last year I was pregnant with Zach and had just found out that we were having a little boy. I remember how excited we all were to finally have a little boy and how excited Mom and Dad were when we told them. You can not make plans for what came next.
I have tried to make an extra effort to have a good day everyday, I was sucessful for the most part except for a trip to Hobby Lobby. I took the ABH article about Zach to be framed and his had and foot print when he was about a month old. As we were trying to lay things out and figure out how large the frame would have to be , a young man walked up and bluntly asked what was wrong with that baby, was he a test tube baby, the questions did not stop there nor did my end of the conversation. Needless to say I think he will think before he speaks next time.
We didnt make it to church yesterday morning, we were having baby dedication and I am just not ready for that, seeing all of those babies would only push to the front of my mind more things that I am missing everyday with Zach, and I think I have enough right now, he would have been 10 months old this weekend, 10 months old. I can not believe it that means he has been gone for 4 some days it feels like a moment ago and others I get scared because I can't remember his cry, or his smell. That crazy look he would get in his eyes , how much he loved to be held, how much he loved his mobile and music. I have a small bag with some of his clothes that I have sealed so I can smell them from time to time it sounds silly I know but it gives me comfort, I can play videos we made of him and listen to his kitten like cry that changed over time to sound more like a baby, I can sit and cry and smile all at the same time. Oh, I miss him so much it hurts.

Another week down, things a little better

2008-08-24T21:13:00.006-04:00

**UPDATE**
I added MG's picture this is from the photo session I told you about a few weeks ago, I just had to share it, Frankie did such a great job, you can go to her website and see all of her pics here, I just thought they were so cute!!

We have finished another week of school and I think Maddie Grace is doing a little better although to be honest it is really hard to tell. I have to say it is very irritating when we are being pushed to "make" her not cry how ever you can do that. I know that no one really understands what we have been through over the past few months or what Maddie Grace has felt, bless her she has been through things that most adults never have to deal with so if she has issues with leaving mom and dad then we will help her heal and get better at her pace not forced. Last night after we said our prayers I asked her like usual to think of one thing she was greatful for and one thing she needed to ask forgiveness for, no big surprise she said Dede and Papa and really wanted to see them, which I smiled at. She then said I need to be forgiven because Zach is not here,I cried, I am crying now. It seems so unfair to ask a child to deal with things that I do not understand as an adult. I know that God has answers that I may or may not see in time. This morning she was clingy again at church and then thankfully she saw her friend Hannah which seemed to put her at ease a little. And man church was packed this morning you would have thought they were giving out money. I then figured out why, Coach Richt who is a member at our church was speaking this morning and apparently everyone in town had found it but hey it was a great chance for those that would never have attended church otherwise to have the opportunity to come.
The first UGA football game is this weekend, GO DAWGS!!! My whole family will be here I am really excited to see everyone. My niece that was born 2 weeks after Zach is growing quickly and crawling now.
One last thing I went to the doctor last week I am not going to go into details but I had some tests run on Friday and should get the results back this week, please keep Kyle and I in your prayers as we try and make decisions on some things. Pray for a great week for Maddie Grace, on a funny note tonight at dinner we had butter beans and I had put butter on the table for the bread as i came back to the table after making my plate I looked and Maddie Grace was putting butter on her butter beansso I said, sweetie that is gross, the butter is for your bread, what are you doing that for, to which she replied, "Mom they are butter beans" with eye roll and all. I guess sometimes I shouldnt ask.

Things are a little better

2008-08-18T16:18:00.003-04:00

This morning went a little better than last week, it was still a little hard for her but all in all it was a much better day. She was upset when I picked her up a little early, she was playing with her Hannah and did not want to be disturbed. Funny how quickly things change, but boy it makes things much easier for me.
I wish the entire weekend was that great but we were not that luck, Saturday was fun we took Maddie Grace to have her picture made with the most precious bulldog puppy you have ever seen, they were selling him for the rock bottom price of $3500, what a steal, Kyle and I decided we would wait on that big purchase.
On Sunday Zach's article from the Athens Banner ran in my hometown paper although I could not read it all I read some of it which set me up for a rough day, the on top of that a new family that joined our church had their baby with them which just put me in tears. I guess I will add that to my list of things to ask God when I see him.
Jessica

Zach in the Tifton paper

2008-08-17T00:36:00.001-04:00

This is a quick post for anyone in Tifton, or the surrounding area that can get the Tifton paper Zach's story is in today's paper( the Sunday paper) if you wanted to read or see it. I already tried and could not do it.

Kindergarten is not all its cracked up to be

2008-08-14T13:31:00.002-04:00

The first 3 days were great for Maddie Grace in kindergarten, but I now know that she thought that was it and that she would be coming back home with mommy after last week. Wow! Monday was a shock to her, she was a little more clingy but by Tuesday morning we had an all out breakdown having to pry her off of me which has continued on for the rest of the week. I have been reassured that this "normal" behavior for starting kindergarten, although Maddie Grace has never been like this, except since Zach. So we are watching her close, we have already made the phone call to the teacher to let her know we are concerned and that was Kyle calling, so its not just a crazy mom. It breaks my heart but I had to be strong at least to the car so she would not see me upset. Please keep her in your prayers, this is very tough on her and she is such a tender little girl, very sensitive. I just hope it gets easier, much to my dismay as I was walking out this morning I was talking to another mother who said she went through the same thing last year, when I asked if it got better she said no her teacher use to chase her down the hall , they makes you feel so much better. Also one other note we finally have been told that Zach's story will run in the Sunday paper in Tifton, we have been told before that it would but maybe this time it really will. Have a good weekend and for those daring to go to UGA picture day have fun, I dont think we will make it this year!!

Happy Birthday!!

2008-08-10T18:17:00.004-04:00

**UPDATE 8/12/08 12:15pm**
We have been trying to get things set to run the article in the Tifton paper that they did in the Athens paper about Zach, the Athens Banner gave them everything they needed and now 3 weekends of being told that it would run and not we (mom and I)can not get a returned phone call or email. So request if you know anyone at the paper please email or call them, if they decided not to run the story that is their decision but not responding is just unprofessional.

Yesterday we had a birthday party for Kyle with a few friends I cooked a Mexican fiesta which turned out pretty well with my moms enchiladas, a recipe for black beans and rice with from southern living some dips and of course his favorite from scratch German chocolate cake. It was a fun evening with friends. Being that we are all "old" everyone was gone by 10. So I decided to go up to Zach's room and get a few things put away, not get rid of anything but just to get it in order. When we took Zach off of the machines my mother took everything out of our room and anywhere else in the house and put it in his room and that is where is has all stayed untouched or moved since he died. Onesies still folded on top of the dresser, dirty burp cloths on the chair, a bassinet full a medical equipment instead of a baby, bags of syringes, medicine, formula, baby food,diapers and wipes. Full of things that we bought for Zach that will never be used.
I sat and folded and put away in the armorie and drawers everything that was sitting out and had a good cry. I cried for the time I am missing for empty room that we had filled with so much love that he never slept in and for the loss that I know will never heal it will only one day become manageable. I the song that I posted a few weeks ago it said"people say that I am strong but I am not, truth is I am barely hanging on" it says it all. Kyle's uncle passed away last week after a battle with cancer, I went with him to the funeral home although I was unable to go in, I started shaking and crying it was to much, to many memories and thoughts, so I waited in the lobby which was almost too mush itself, but it was 100 outside so I thought the air would feel good. The funeral was the next day in Atlanta and I just could not do it.
I did hold Will and Hays last night Cameron and Matt came over for the birthday bash and brought the boys I loved getting to snuggle with them they are wonderful and Mason and Maddie Grace were like to peas in a pod. They are amazing with the boys, they are going to be great and feel honored that our house was their first outing as a family and I think it went pretty well. Although seeing the boys make me miss Zach they also make me remember the good times that we had with him. Oh, how I miss my little one.
I was reading an email the other night and someone asked why "All things new again was the title of our blog" Just a quick answer for her and those interested, Rev 21:3-5, I had read a devotion with this verse many months ago and then one day came across the song from "The Passion of the the Christ" All things new again ( which is at the bottom of my blog on the music player). For our family it is very fitting, Zach has been made whole he can run and play a breath without help , and we are trying to heal as well although our healing is much slower.

First Day of Kindergarten

2008-08-06T08:37:00.006-04:00

I can not believe that my little girl started kindergarten today. She was very excited although yesterday when we went for meet the teacher she was not very happy. This morning was very uneventful. She was much more excited about taking her lunch to school and getting to carry a lunch box. I was very good though no tears, ok a few when I got to the car but she was ok so that made it much easier for me, Kyle came along for the big first day also. Maddie Grace seemed unimpressed, she went to her seat and said bye and that was it, no big show, nothing. She had her custom napmat that I made, monogrammed book bag, monogrammed lunch box, needless to say I don.t think she will forget who she is or what is hers. I think I went just a little overboard with the monogramming oh well.
We did have the discussion with her teacher about Zach, she already new all about him, she and her husband own a funeral home, she has alot of experience with death and children it made me feel alot better, funny how God works things out. I know that Maddie Grace is going to have a great year.

Back Home

2008-08-01T21:51:00.003-04:00

We are all under one roof finally. New York was wonderful, Kyle and I really enjoyed having sometime together, to talk and enjoy the city. So stories to share, 1) if you see a man walking down the street with a sheet thrown over his shoulder full of things, he is not moving, and yes he will stop and sell the "items" he has that I am sure are so hot they could burn your finger tips off. 2) Yes, we went to Chinatown, and if you have ever been there you will understand why I am saying this it was a short trip, when you see the dead animals in the window before it is cooked and can smell it 2 blocks before you get to it you tend to move very fast. 3) This was not my first trip to NYC but I guess it was the first time I really paid attention to people around us. There are two things that I love about the south please and thank you. There is alot to be said for the way we handle things in the south our choice of words and the way we treat others even if we do not know them. Kyle and I both became very frustrated with every ones ability to ignore everyone else.
We got to see and do pretty much everything, we were even on TV at the Today Show. We went to the Yankee's and sat on the 3rd row by 1st base it was great, Kyle was like a little kid. We loved our trip needless to say it was a great distraction while it lasted, Maddie Grace was wonderful and was spoiled by Papa and Dede all week. I picked her up today and went to see Zach as well and had a little time to talk to him. School starts for Maddie Grace next week , she will be in kindergarten she is very excited, I am as well but a little sad as well. I will have to keep myself busy while she is at school , and if you are wondering no I am not returning to my old job, our lives have changed and I have decided to go in a new direction with UGA -CAES still but in a different position, I am very excited about it, it will give me the flexability I need to be at home for Maddie Grace. I loved my job but heart was just not in it anymore, it is funny how your priorities change when you lose your child.

Busy in NYC

2008-07-28T22:30:00.004-04:00

Just a quick post we are still in NYC we have been so busy, we went to the today show this morning and were on the front row, and on TV lots!!! Matt even came over and took a picture I was so excited. Tonight we will be in the Letterman audience, it was fun to film as well. I will post more later just want to let you knot to look for us if you watch Letterman, Kyle has on his Georgia Baseball shirt imagine that. I will have lots of stories to share from, dead raw meat (Chinatown) to HOT!!! purses. Keep in mind that I know the picture of Matt and I is horrible, on of the worst pictures of me ever, but hey it is Matt Laure. So I am about to be lazy in our room and enjoy some cheesecake, with Kyle since tonight is our 7th wedding anniversary.

Off to the big city!!

2008-07-25T22:48:00.002-04:00

We have laughed all day that if anyone hears Kyle speak they will know without a doubt where we are from. We met Papa and Dede in Macon tonight to take Maddie Grace to them. We are now in Atlanta because we fly out so early in the morning. Maddie Grace got a little upset when we started to leave but I think she was OK I am sure she will be once she gets busy. And Kyle had an early birthday present from Papa and Dede, they gave him tickets to the Yankees game on Tuesday night. He was so excited, by far the best present he has ever received. He was like a little boy when we left Macon so excited about going to NYC. We have a lot planned since it will be his first time. Please keep us in your prayers as we travel and Maddie Grace, to have a great time with Papa and Dede. All she has asked is that I bring her back an American Girl doll that looks like her, I was unaware how expensive they were but that is OK , we will find her one ,they have a huge store in Manhattan.
On another interesting note I googled Zach's name last night I do this from time to time to see who has posted his video, article etc.. When I googled him an article that a lady had written for a magazine came up, she is a professor at Emory. This would be fine, be she had taken parts of the article Jeff and Tricia had worked so hard on and then tried to make it fit her needs which made the story all wrong and made me look like someone who didn't do things right ( prenatal care, vitamins etc..). Needless to say I was VERY upset, and on top of that she had taken a picture from somewhere that shows Zach with Susan (one of his nurses) reading a book, that great picture that looked like he was reading to her, anyway she said in the caption that this was Zach and his mother reading. So long story short I contacted about 20 people and one emailed me that the story was being pulled and they were investigating. Wow, it really made me mad, we love for Zach's story to be out there but we want it correct . So I will let you know how NYC is later!!

Heartbreak

2008-07-23T21:31:00.007-04:00

Today was a hard day not that they all haven't been lately. Cameron my friend that has twins, Will and Hays that were next door to Zach, Hays has been home for awhile now but Will just came home this week. I took them supper tonight they have enough on their hands taking care of 3 boys. It was hard, seeing Will he reminds me so much of Zach they both had breathing issues, both have these huge chunky cheeks that you just want squeeze and kiss. They have been through so much and I am so happy for them that he has finally joined them at home. But it does not make the pain I feel any easier. I cried and cried I wanted my son too. It really hits home just how much I am missing out on, how much I am going to miss. So then only to cause more pain I took supper to another friend who just had a baby, she is still in the hospital but we took food to them at St. Mary's to give them a break from hospital food.
On a good note we , Kyle and I, are leaving to go to New York City. This will be a vacation for he and I, he has never been so it will be a chance to see all of the sights and see Yankee Stadium before they tear it down. Maddie Grace gets to go with Papa and Dede which will be a treat for her, this will be the longest she has ever been away from us since she was born. They will be taking her to Savannah she will love it I am sure. So please keep us in your prayers as we travel and for our hearts.
Oh I have to add this, a few minutes ago, i the misted of my tears and pitty party Kyle and I kept hearing a noise we could not figure out where it was coming from, he went on the deck, the front porch, even to the basement. we could not figure it out, we turned the TV off, the A/C up so it would stop running. Kyle walked over to one of the side tables in our den where he heard the noise again , he got on the floor it was making the floor vibrate. We seriously looked like we were on a mission it was hilarious, finally Kyle picked up my purse and heard it again, it was coming from inside of it. Within seconds he pulled out my cell phone, I had put it on vibrate at the hospital, wow we are so paranoid!! Also I have posted a video from Angie Smith her blog is one that I read seeing as we are in the same place in our lives now, I posted it for the song and not the video although it is touching as well, but she wrote the song after her daughter died, it is so fitting. Listen to the words if you have time.

3 months seems like yesterday

2008-07-19T00:16:00.004-04:00

This has been a hard week for Kyle and I, emotions seemed to get the better of us both all week. Even posting tonight seems hard and tears come much easier. So we tried to stay busy with yard work, cleaning house etc.. I went to a new bible study with a wonderful group of girls from our church on Tuesday night it was wonderful although I cried & it felt good. Sometimes as mom's we don't let ourselves have those feelings and "outbursts" because we are to busy taking care of everyone else.
Today is 3 months since we lost our precious Zach and I wish I could say the pain was any better. I would really say it is worse, more real. I did find out this week that the Athens Banner Herald gave permission finally to the Tifton Gazette ( my hometown newspaper) to run Zach's story and photos it should be with in the next week or so, I went through and read the article again last night and just cried, a deep, heart wrenching cry. The cry that even gritting your teeth and holding your breath can not stop. Even on the way home tonight Maddie Grace out of nowhere said, Mom I miss" Zachie Pooh", what she always calls him, momma why did he not stay home for long. I cant give answers to questions I do not have so I said because he was so special God wanted him in heaven, she then responded, I think I have should have decided that he stay here. If only it were that easy. Please continue to pray for us.

Zach wins over more hearts

2008-07-15T12:54:00.006-04:00

I got an email this morning from Tricia, she was the wonderful photographer that did the photos for the Athens Banner article, as well as the photo slide show attached to the article (you can see it at the top of my blog listed as Zach's Photo story in the menu) anyway, she entered it into the National Press Association competition and it placed 3rd in the nation for June. You can click on this post title to got the competition website.
Also check out my latest blog design at http://www.daveandjenntucker.blogspot.com/, anyone who would like a blog makeover I can do it for a small fee.

It was a party

2008-07-12T22:48:00.004-04:00

Today was Maddie Grace's birthday party although her birthday was on Tuesday, she had a lot of fun. I can not believe she is 5 it seems like yesterday I went through that long 13 hours to have that tiny 5lb baby that didn't want to come out, stubborn from birth, I have no idea where she would get that from.
Last night Maddie Grace stayed with Dede at the townhouse which she has started to do a little , after Zach was born she would not even think about it. The past few times she has stayed with Dede she has asked lots of questions about Zach. Last night she told Dede that Zach had left her heart (we read a book at night that talks about Zach being in her heart). Mom said that she cried and asked questions. I wish we had all the answers, it is hard to answer questions that you have yourself. Tonight after the party we all went back to my parents townhouse and mom kept Maddie Grace so Kyle and I could have a dinner together. Kyle took me to my favorite place(Speakeasy). It was time alone for he and I. We talked a lot and figured out that neither of us are doing that great, but who would be. It is really a day to day thing, are you mad, hurt, sick? The emotions change from day to day and sometimes hour to hour. I regularly read another blog of a family that lost their little girl a few weeks before we lost Zach. In a recent post she talked about going to her grave and how she wanted to pull her out and wrap her in a blanket and just hold her one more time , that maybe holding her one more time would make the pain a little less. As I read her post it sounded so familiar, could we have a few more minutes, could we have done something different to have a different outcome? I know the answer, it is more of a dream than a wish. I know I have not asked lately, but please continue to pray for us. I will be 3 months since Zach got his wings next week and the pain feels as if it was yesterday. I just miss him.

Time goes by to fast

2008-07-12T00:14:00.005-04:00

Just a quick post, Maddie Grace's birthday was on Tuesday I found this picture of she and Kyle when she had just turned 2 and at the beach and now at 5 with daddy, still a daddy's girl.

Vacation is Over

2008-07-06T22:49:00.012-04:00

This has been a long week and a half. The beach was a nice change of pace and distraction but it didn't last long. Memories and lost time quickly caught us by surprise, even Maddie Grace. We did enjoy the family quite time though Amelia Island is quite and small which was what we
needed. Maddie Grace started crying the 3rd night away wanting to go home even though we were with her, she played a swam so hard the entire week . We ended up going to Tifton on our way back home on Saturday and checking in on Zach one last time before coming home. It still took our breath away to be out there. We the headed to the lake to spend Saturday night with my family. Which meant lots of great home cooking from Dede and anyone who knows my mom knows what a great cook she is. We did have a bright spot on Saturday night the Slocum clan joined us for dinner at the lake Saturday night , they are probably my oldest friends, it is great to see them all we are all "grown up" with kids, so we do not get to see each other as much as we would like since we are all spread out across 2 states now.

Maddie Grace told mom that she was having nightmares, this breaks my heart she is having such a hard time. Kyle and I both have had a really rough week emotionally. Mom and I were sitting and talking and it I told her that we are still waiting for Zach to come home. I know in my logically that this is not possible but I do not think it has become a reality to us , we are in shock still.

While I was at the beach I finished reading the book that a friend gave me ,"A Grace Disguised" his loss was in 1991 and it still is fresh to him although the pain has changed it is still very vivid. This is not really what we want to hear even though we already knew it.

On lighter note Kyle has decided that he may need to invest in a gun before Maddie Grace starts dating, seeing her so sassy in swimsuit and playing with the sweetest little boy was a little more than he could handle. I assured him that we had awhile to go before we had to worry about dating he then assured me that she was never to young to be sent to a convent to live. WOW!!! the teen years will be fun. She will be 5 on Tuesday I can not believe it, where has the time gone. The birthday party should be fun, it is not until Saturday if Maddie Grace can wait that long! ( That is MG on her 1st birthday)

All to real

2008-06-26T23:08:00.011-04:00

Today was the last day for Maddie Grace at swim lessons, she jumped off the diving board and swam to the side of the pool, I was so proud of her she was afraid to get off the steps last Monday what a difference a few days makes she was so proud and so were we. She started wearing goggles on Tuesday and she was so funny so would pop up pull the goggles up over her eyes to her forehead and dump the water out of them she would then proceed to pull them back down over her eyes a yell "safety first mom!" not sure what that is all about but it was a good laugh none the less. It was also her last day for VBS since we were leaving for the beach.

Today had weighed heavy on my heart for over a week now. I knew that today would be the day that it would become real that the image that I have had of Zach would be crushed by the image of his small but precious grave. As we exited off the interstate in Tifton we went to the left instead of the right like we would usually do when heading to Papa & Dede's, of course Maddie Grace immediately asked why we were going this way. We reminded her that we were going to visit Zach's grave, she quickly responded that she didn't want to, I told her she didn't have to get out if she didn't want to she then said she did want to but would rather have him with us. As the tears started to roll down my cheeks I said I know, me too. His grave looked nice Dede has done a great job keeping the grass and flowers watered. We sat on the bench that mom put out there and just balled, all of the pain just came back in a flash. I miss him so much, Maddie Grace asked some questions and then walked off a little and I cried more and then we let Kyle have some time alone with him.

So the bad today was worse than the good. I wish he was here I would take so much less, any damage or delay just to have him, he was such a precious child, he was my child, our child. Pray for our vacation next week is needed so much, pray for Kyle and I to find peace if that is possible.

A Weekend Away

2008-06-22T22:12:00.003-04:00

We spent the weekend with my sister, and her family and my mom in the mountains, although my niece wanted to know where the snow capped rockies were. It is Dads busy time right now so he could not join us, if you go to Kroger anytime soon (in the southeast) look for a display about personal sized watermelons Dad is on since they are his melons, they talk about Springhill Produce which is one of Dad's companies.
It was a long drive but a nice get away. Kyle and Dan were able to enjoy golf and the UGA baseball game(GO DAWGS!!!) and we took the girls to the pool at the resort and then mom, jenn and I all took a trip to the spa. I must say it was the best massage I have ever had, and I have had some at some great resorts but this one was the best, it was a hot stone which I love and it was wonderful. Then Jen and I beat Dan and Kyle in spades , with 2 competitive husbands it was wonderful to see them both squirm, we always love to play either board games or cards. This was our first time doing anything away from home since Zach died, we feel gulity which sounds silly but you it feels like we should not be happy or having fun since we do not have him, although we know that is not the case. We are going to Tifton on Thursday , we are going to take Maddie Grace to Zach's grave and see it for the first time ourselves. Please keep us in your prayers as we take this step it will be very hard for us. Maddie Grace is still full of questions and she hit mom and jenn all weekend with her questions and comments, she is very good at catching you by surprise with questions your are not expecting in the middle of a conversation. She will start week 2 of swimming lessons tomorrow , she started last week deathly afraid and now she will jump off the side of the pool and swim to you, at a short distance . So we are making progress, and we also have vacation bible school this week and Kyle has to work a UGA baseball camp for Coach Perno since they are not going to make it back. So we have a busy week, we have a week at the beach the following week so a lot to look forward to. Keep us in your prayers--